I can't even know what to say about the video for "Like a Rainbow" from Jersey's Carishma (pronounced like Liza Minnelli saying "charisma"). It makes "Born This Way" sound subtle, like early James Baldwin. It makes the Sex and the City style handbagging of gay men seem like ascending to a Louis Vuitton-upholstered throne. It kind of made me a little homophobic for three and a half minutes?

This video was uploaded to YouTube last year, but the link was never made public. The tipster that alerted us to its existence told us its official release was canceled. Forget that, this needs to be experienced by the world. Happy Gay Pride, world.

Carishma's bio is here. It begins, "Few unsigned singers can get über-producer Timbaland and legendary songwriter/producer Rodney 'Darkchild' Jerkins to produce tracks for them. But few have had the drive, energy, ambition and talent as Carishma." Carishma: Uniqueness, nerve and talent.

The pandering, pet-owning approach to gay acceptance in "Like a Rainbow" speaks for itself, so here are the lyrics in full:

La-la-la-la like a rainbow X 4

Chorus:

It never woulda worked, baby
And if you didn’t know,
Let me be the first to tell you you’re, gay
Baby, like a rainbow
There’s nothing wrong with a boy who wants to be
With other boys that’s fine with me
I’m sure some guy will make you real, real happy someday
Baby, ‘cause you’re gay, you’re gay like a rainbow

Update: Carishma's personal litigation counsel Tonia Sayour has contacted Gawker demanding we remove the above quote from our web site. In order to clarify our intent in quoting the above matter from Carishma's song, we have decided to append the following commentary: The quoted chorus implies that there is something inherently gay about rainbows, but reflected water droplets in the Earth's atmosphere do not posses human sexuality. Also, it is highly unlikely that a woman would be the first to tell a gay man that he's gay. (See the question below.)

Verse 1:

You’re the best at picking out my clothes
Talking ‘bout my day as we gossip on the phone
And you’re the best at letting me watch MTV
Skip the sports, you’d rather read my magazines

Update: Carishma's personal litigation counsel Tonia Sayour has contacted Gawker demanding we remove the above quote from our web site. In order to clarify our intent in quoting the above matter from Carishma's song, we have decided to append the following commentary: The above lines are indicative of a worldview in which an enslaved homosexual only exists to coddle and uphold the stereotypically girlie aspects of his master, which he, too, prefers to stereotypically male activities, such as watching sports.


And you’re so good at making sure I sleep at night
Give me space, you won’t even cross the line
You’re so mature, you never start a fight
Another guy’s hitting on me and you don’t even mind

Update: Carishma's personal litigation counsel Tonia Sayour has contacted Gawker demanding we remove the above quote from our web site. In order to clarify our intent in quoting the above matter from Carishma's song, we have decided to append the following commentary: Of course he doesn't mind. He's gay.

Chorus

Verse 2:

Tell me why I’m feeling outta place
Maybe ‘cause you and me are more like Will and Grace

Update: Carishma's personal litigation counsel Tonia Sayour has contacted Gawker demanding we remove the above quote from our web site. In order to clarify our intent in quoting the above matter from Carishma's song, we have decided to append the following commentary: The lines quoted above indicate that Carishma's stereotypical gay best friend is based on pop culture's stereotypical gay best friend. Stereotypes beget stereotypes.


Know all the words to every Britney song
Picture of Madonna tattooed on your arm

Update: Carishma's personal litigation counsel Tonia Sayour has contacted Gawker demanding we remove the above quote from our web site. In order to clarify our intent in quoting the above matter from Carishma's song, we have decided to append the following commentary: The lines quoted above indicate that Carishma doesn't know her gay friend very well at all, for if she did, surely Robyn would be mentioned among his go-to divas.


(The kinda guy)
You’re the one who taught me how to strut
How to walk in heels, where’d you learn that from?
Don’t get me wrong, baby, understand,
I love you like the sister that I never had

Update: Carishma's personal litigation counsel Tonia Sayour has contacted Gawker demanding we remove the above quote from our web site. In order to clarify our intent in quoting the above matter from Carishma's song, we have decided to append the following commentary: The lines quoted above indicate that Carishma hasn't grasped the teaching ability of gay men ("Where'd you learn that from?") despite being taught by a gay man. Also, he is not her sister.

Chorus

Bridge:

I need you to understand
Oh, I don’t wanna let you go
I just gotta let you know, baby
Never gonna leave you
You’ll always be my best girlfriend

Update: Carishma's personal litigation counsel Tonia Sayour has contacted Gawker demanding we remove the above quote from our web site. In order to clarify our intent in quoting the above matter from Carishma's song, we have decided to append the following commentary: By virtue of the fact that charisma's gay male best friend is, in fact, male, he is not or will not ever be her girlfriend.

Chorus

Question: In what conceivable situation would it happen that Carishma would be the first to tell a person that he's gay?

While we were freaking out, contemplating this very question and the entire notion of Carishma, my colleague Caity Weaver pointed me to this video in which Carishma answers fan questions. One of them is, "Do you eat lemons with whipped cream and chocolate milk on the side?" Carishma's answer is, "No, I do not eat lemons with whipped cream and chocolate milk on the side. That's disgusting. But I do love white hot chocolate...in the winter time." So there's something you didn't know about Carishma. Here's another: She is an alien that came to Earth to entertain us. She didn't know how, but she figured it out by stumbling into it. Glad she landed on the right side of history.