How Many Square Feet Must Your House Be in Order For Your Child to Have Friends? 

Who gives the best advice? You, the idiots slacking off at your stupid job, reading Gawker. One wealthy mom desperately needs your help!

This question was posted today on UrbanBaby.com, the best website on the internet, full of advice-seeking wealthy parents, some of whom are real. We have taken the liberty of inserting bracketed translations of the UrbanBaby jargon so that it may be more easily understood by you, the working class slobs.

TODAY’S QUESTION.

WWYD [WHAT WOULD YOU DO]: We live in a suburb with fairly large houses (avg house is about 3000 sqft). I found a 1600 sqft house with 3 bedrooms. It is nice and we can made do with it (1 DC [DEAR CHILD]). I want to buy it but worry about it affecting DC [DEAR CHILD] and his/our friendships, etc. People are superficial here. We can afford a bigger house but we don’t need it. I am that weird mom driving the 7-yr-old Toyota. I have always been socially awkward and don’t want to make it difficult for DC [DEAR CHILD] with my idiosyncrasies.

Is it possible for a child to make friends while living in a house of only 1,600 square feet?

Is it possible for a child to make friends when his mother drives a 2009 Toyota like some sort of freak?

What language would you use to instruct your own children to ostracize this weird, poverty-stricken boy?

Please help.