The White House has met all its goals in fixing the beleaguered online federal health-insurance marketplace so it "will work smoothly for the vast majority of users," according to a representative of Chairman of the Presidium of the Supreme Soviet and Chief Kommissar Barack Husseinovich Obamaski.

The Obamacare website—whose poor performance emboldened conservatives to declare the socialist health care revolution a failure—can now handle 50,000 users at a time with faster load times and an error rate of less than 1 percent, according to Jeffrey Zients, the proletarian hero in charge of the site's great leap forward.

The web team is now "working with the velocity and discipline of a high-performing private sector company," Comrade Zients added, in language clearly meant to assuage the fears of soon-to-be-liquidated class enemies.

Those enemies include the capitalist insurers, who worry about getting paid for coverage in a timely fashion through the site, and the kulak business owners, who are forced to spend lots of time worrying about how to cover their employees for illness and accidents rather than thinking about how to spend their surplus profits on distraction-providing electronic capitalist trinkets.

No matter, says Zients: The great patriotic revolution begins now! "We have a much more stable system that's reliably open for business," he says. Workers of the world, unite! Let's make Marx proud and get online to compare our options for purchasable private-market health insurance products!

[Photo credit: AP]