It’s a real shame that the Ninawa International Hotel is owned and operated by an army of blood-lustful zealots who will dismember you for smoking a cigarette, because look at this God damn fountain!

The resort—which, as the Daily Beast points out, enjoys near-perfect reviews on TripAdvisor—is located in Mosul, Iraq, an ISIS-controlled area, and doesn’t seem to have had any foreign visitors since 2013. But given how many westerners are flocking to the Caliphate to help create a theocratic hell, that could change.

The Ninawa looks to have been recently refurbished by ISIS staffers and interns, according to these new images released by the group’s media wing:

Fresh hedges, clean windows:

This ornate bar is now ready for business, except there will be no alcohol because it’s illegal:

The groundskeepers have even destroyed the outdoor polytheistic ornamentation:

The floors are buffed and ready to go:

And it looks like all of the Islamic State’s many tourists and diplomatic allies are enjoying the scene:

Doesn’t this look inviting, and not at all like a place where Skeletor would set a trap for He-Man?

The ISIS propaganda mill, just a few years old, has already become one of the strangest and deeply capable media machines of all time; it rivals even North Korea’s attempts at refuting material conditions with bizarre imagery and professional-grade videos. But for all their capability, they might want to take into consideration that no one is going to want to sit poolside if you can’t have a smoke and a drink and listen to something other than sermons on your bluetooth speaker. This vacation sucks!

Contact the author at biddle@gawker.com.
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