PHILADELPHIA — Welcome to the first night of the Democratic National Convention, where we’ll be coming to you live from the disgusting, 200-degree little plot of land in hell that is Philly. Tonight we’re in for a special treat: Bernie Sanders will be taking the stage. And if god cares about the media at all, Bernie Sanders is going to give us a coup.

Sure, Bernie says he wants his supporters to get behind Hillary. And he says he wants everyone to stop chanting “lock her up” at every possible opportunity—but does he really? We’ll find out tonight. Join us as Bernie activates step one in his secret plan to hijack the nomination. There’s gonna be a whole lot of yelling either way.