North Korea, famed for its unicorns and its non-Photoshopped, totally real missiles, has done it again. The DPRK’s extremely reliable state-run media agency reports that homegrown scientists have found the cure for HIV, various cancers, heart disease, impotence, bad skin, Ebola ... everything, really. Turns out the cure was fertilizer all along. Why didn’t actual scientists think of that?

The compound, Kumdang-2, is allegedly extracted from ginseng using fertilizer, rare-earth elements, gold, and platinum, and solves every health problem with a single injection. It’s definitely real, and definitely not just propaganda meant to troll South Korea as it deals with an outbreak of MERS.

There are no published clinical trials of Kumdang-2, so you’ll just have to rely on “the opinions of millions of patients, all of which have been collected over the last 23 years since May, 1989.” Real patients. Millions of them. For real.

Also, 1989 was not 23 years ago. Either there’s something fishy about this miracle drug, or North Korea’s dear leader, Kim Jong-un, has been in possession of a universal cure for three years and held out on the rest of the world.

Because Kim would never lie to us, I can only conclude it’s the latter. Cold, Kim. Ice cold.

[Photo: Korean Central News Agency]