Russia's Top Secret Nuclear Torpedo Plans Foiled by Russian State Television Knuckleheads
Russia’s secret plans for a nuclear torpedo are no longer secret, reports The Guardian. In fact, they’ve been broadcast on two Russian television stations. Generally—and here I will admit I don’t know how they do things in Russia—this is not how you keep a secret.
And those TV stations are controlled by the Kremlin! Putin’s gotta be pretty steamed about this one.
I dunno, these torpedoes are the kind of thing the world ought to know about, if for no other reason than so someone can put an arm around Russia’s shoulder, offer them a glass of warm milk, and send them to fucking bed.
I mean, look at this:
The nuclear torpedoes, to be fired by submarines, would create “zones of extensive radioactive contamination making them unsuitable for military or economic activity for a long period”, says the document, which is clearly visible in the footage for several seconds.
Yes, they will be unsuitable for military or economic activity. They will also be unsuitable for living things. They will be unsuitable for the habitability of our planet. That’s a concern!
The footage was reportedly aired Tuesday on NTV and Channel One. It was apparently filmed during “a meeting of President Vladimir Putin with military officials in the Black Sea city of Sochi on Monday.” Putin reportedly told the room “Russia will take necessary retaliatory measures to strengthen the potential of our strategic nuclear forces.” Which, what does that even mean?
The stations reportedly yanked the footage down—presumably after receiving panicked phone calls from the Kremlin—but not before the good old internet swooped in and immortalized the error with simple screenshots.
Putin’s spokesman, Dmitry Peskov—quoted here in an adorably stereotypical movie-villain-esque broken English (probably a misquote or typo)—has vowed to get a handle on this stuff:
“In future we will undoubtedly take preventive measures so this does not happen again.”
Step one: DO NOT LET TV CAMERAS INTO TOP SECRET NATIONAL SECURITY MEETINGS.
