We do too, AARP. We do too.

The masters of legislative oversight who currently make up America's House Republican majority has another little beef to settle, this time with that most sinister of Washington special interests: The American Association of Retired Persons, a.k.a. the lobby for old people things. If only these geriatrics hadn't endorsed last year's health care reform law, maybe Republicans could've turned a blind eye to such corrupt practices as bribes that ensure Matlock reruns never disappear from daytime television programming. But they did endorse it, so House Republicans are planning hearings.

Doesn't the set at left, used for a retired person "Town Hall"-style meeting, look a bit like the set for the exhaustively sleazy Jerry Springer Show? Old people watch a lot of TV, so it was probably a comfort.

Every week, Cindy Adams puts out her Page Six gossip column, which we all love for its general old-school Manhattan eccentricity. But this one is just...unreal. Has she lost her shit? Contained herein: dogs sniffing butts, "humanoids," and the Hamptons.

Just in time for noted Internet newbie John McCain's visit to the American Association of Retired People's annual event, Life at 50 Plus, Google and the AARP produced a series of videos explaining basic Internet security tips intended for old folks. Frankly, with college students downloading malware from pop-ups and McCain's running mate and Alaskan Governor Sarah Palin's getting her email hacked, there's more than a few nonretirees who could stand to watch the whole series.

Is it any surprise that direct marketers are easily circumventing the Feds' Do Not Call registry, as the Wall Street Journal reports? Lead generators are exploiting a loophole which allows direct calls to individuals on the list if written consent is provided. So marketers have turned to the tried-and-true method of direct mail. "Reply cards," the favored tool, are standard fare. They typically target the elderly, the most susceptible market, with purportedly useful retirement information or the claim of an affiliation with AARP. And it's perfectly legal.

It's a big day for Today co-host Katie Couric, as she's the big fat feature in the latest issue of AARP magazine. (Unable to win the hearts of functional Americans, has she taken to endearing herself to helpless retirees?) And how, you may ask, does the psychotically perky Couric make herself relevant to the Early Bird Special crowd? By using the word "malarkey." And who the hell actually talks like that besides your grandpa?