Following today's much-anticipated Good Morning America appearance by Andrew "The Guy Who Decided It Was OK To Fly With a Drug-Resistant Strain of Tuberculosis" Speaker, the networks will undoubtedly be clamoring to adapt his story into the kind of ripped-from-the-headlines television product of which audiences are so fond, and so we are here, as we always are, to lend a hand in the casting process. Because we feel Speaker's tale has appeal as both the customary CBS MOW (Health Fugitives: A Love Story) and a more cutting-edge ABC sitcom (TB Guy) satirizing the way America unfairly stigmatizes the ill, we're providing choices for both comedy and drama: The Office's John Krasinski (hat tip to commenter heidiho) and crossover superstar Harry Connick, Jr, respectively. Let the frenzied phonecalls to their agents begin!

It brings us no pleasure to inform you that the feud between noted 9/11 conspiracy theorist Rosie O'Donnell and squeaky-voiced hawk Elisabeth Hasselbeck seems to be showing few signs of waning. (Let's take a moment to remember happier, BFF times, when the two threw back some beers and wine before hitting the opening night of Les Misérables on Broadway.) Reports Page Six:

TVWeek.com has rounded up clips of recently announced, new Fall shows from all the broadcast networks and posted them to their site, allowing us a sneak preview of the exciting programs that we—like any modern, quick-triggered TV viewer with no attention span to speak of—will likely delete from our TiVo lists after a one-episode tryout. Our first stop was to the ABC tab for a glimpse of Cavemen, the much-anticipated discount-auto-insurance-infomercial/ race-parable hybrid that is sure to redefine the moribund sitcom form this September.

With an impending phone call from his agent regarding his future on hit ABC medical drama Grey's Anatomy the only thing keeping actor T.R. Knight from reaching his Summer '07 goal of shedding a headful of Manic-Panic-tinted hair, the fate of recently gayhabbed co-star and verbal tormentor Isaiah Washington is equally up in the air. According to the Us Weekly blog, things aren't looking good for Dr. Burke:

As Grey's Anatomy star and Advocate coverboy T.R. Knight gradually morphs into the New Face of Hollywood Gay Pride—less rainbow Spandex and Mardi Gras beads, more begrudging acknowledgments of one's predisposition towards men and appearances on Ellen to tattle on one's homorageoholic co-star—the actor's fate on the series that made him famous is still up in the air. Asked by Access Hollywood if his contract has been renewed, Knight said:

· Cannes update: Films receiving early praise at Cannes include the Coen brothers' No Country For Old Men, the abortion drama 4 Months, 3 Weeks and 2 Days, and Zodiac, which feels like it was released in America three years ago. You may now return to not caring about what's going on in France (unless it involves Jerry Seinfeld in a bee suit. That was so awesome!) [Variety]
· Because we know that you can't sleep if you don't know what Julia Roberts is up to: She's set to star in a movie based on the the life of African wildlife conservationist Joan Root. Or have more babies and take another five years off from the demands of being Hollywood's Biggest Female Star, depending on her mood. [THR]
· The Emmys are "one step closer" to moving from the Shrine to the shiny new Nokia Theater being built downtown, a change of venue that the TV Academy promises won't have any impact on the show's reliably low entertainment value. [Variety]
· The season finales of Desperate Housewives and Brothers & Sisters overcome token competition from the other networks, giving ABC an underwhelming Sunday night ratings victory. [THR]
· Var provides possibly unreliable evidence that Goldie Hawn is still alive. [Variety]

Frostbitten by the overly generous use of air conditioning and beginning to hallucinate that she's been trapped in "a weird icy vodka freezer," intrepid NY Times TV critic Virginia Heffernan has still managed to tap out frequent blog dispatches from inside ABC's ongoing upfront presentation to advertisers. Before finally collapsing underneath the weight of the icicles forming on her extremities, she notes that pilot-hoarding ABC president Greenlightin' Steve McPherson ("I think it's comical when I hear other people saying we're spending too much on television. We're not spending $600 million on football. We'll continue to spend on R&D," quotes TV Week) made sure that he didn't get so wrapped up in his special day that he forgot to thank infinitely beneficent TV deity Oprah Winfrey for delivering unto him a surefire winner:

With ABC having already spoiled Upfront Christmas by unwrapping its much-anticipated pick-up of Cavemen&trade, A Race Parable Brought To You By Geico a few days early, giving the disgruntled, recently canceled stars of its comedy past an opportunity to decry the network's pro-Neanderthal prejudices, the actual announcement of its Fall schedule was bound to underwhelm. They've installed Private Practice, the horny-doctors-in-Santa-Monica supplement ("I am going to kiss you. With tongue. Later, I am going to sex you. With penis.") to their horny-doctors-in-Seattle Nielsen juggernaut, at 9 p.m. on Wednesday night to anchor a block of all-new dramas, allowing the brain-deadening buzz derived from ogling the goodies of various hyperverbal, McAttractive physicians to linger for two consecutive evenings.

While Friday's announcement that groundbreaking ABC/Geico sitcomfomercial Cavemen made the fall schedule was met with the popping of champagne corks in Defamer HQ and quickly followed by boozy expressions of admiration for the network's rare combination of business savvy and social conscience, not everyone was overjoyed to hear the news. The LAT Show Tracker blog reports that after president Steve McPherson called to break the news that his eponymous sitcom had grown too expensive to renew for a sixth season, George Lopez raged against the pro-Neanderthal programming policies that will deny him a timeslot:

We recently said a prayer—a modest one, but a prayer nonetheless—that Cavemen, ABC's way of telling the world, "You know what? We give up. There is no more comedy. It was clearly a non-renewable resource whose last drips were squandered somewhere during the opening credits of Wild Hogs. Instead, we proudly present to you this season-long riff on a third-tier car insurance company commercial. Choke on it," would make it onto their fall schedule. Our prayers have been answered:

· In case you haven't heard about the whole Chris Albrecht mess, a recap: arrested in Vegas Sunday, news breaks Monday, heads off to rehab Tuesday, new shit comes to light Wednesday morning, fired Wednesday afternoon, HBO in turmoil Thursday. There, that about gets you up to speed. [Variety, THR]
· With his shocking Dreamgirls Oscar loss solidifying the dissociative identity disorder that drives him to take roles in terrible comedies demanding he portray multiple characters, Eddie Murphy signs on for a family-friendly big-screen version of Fantasy Island in which he's expected to play a variety of roles. Get ready for some disturbing, Little Man-style FX grafting his face onto a dwarf's body for his Tattoo scenes. [THR]
· You know what the world really needs? Another Terminator movie, but without Schwarzenegger or Cameron or anything that made the first two worth watching. [Variety]
· The pre-upfront buzz says that it's going to be another bad year for comedy, a premise supported by rumors that ABC's Cavemen is gaining pick-up momentum. Please, God, let it make the schedule. [THR]

· Aging, erstwhile megastar Kevin Costner will produce and star in the "indie election comedy" Swing Vote, in which he'll play a guy who, through the kind of incredible plot contrivance from which hilarity will inevitably ensue, discovers he will cast the deciding vote in the presidential race. Also: Does anyone have any idea what Mr. Brooks is about? We keep zoning out during the commercials before we can figure it out. [Variety]
· Rapper Common's acting career is, as we're told the kids like to say, "blowing up." He'll join Morgan Freeman and Angelina Jolie in Universal's Wanted, and is in talks to outact Keanu Reeves in The Night Watchman. [THR]
· Superstar legal pundit Nancy Grace jettisons her Court TV show so that she can focus all of her crazy energy on being shrill on her higher-profile CNN showcase. [Variety]
· Roughly 19 million viewers tune in to Dancing with the Stars to simultaneously wonder if Billy Ray Cyrus's moves might be improved if he had a prosthetic leg. [[THR]
· Veronica Mars showrunner Rob "Not the Matchbox 20 Guy, We Think" Thomas poo-poos chatter that his show's already been given up for dead by The CW. [Variety]

· Lost's producers officially get three more years to pretend that they have any clue what's happening on that island, as ABC gives the series an advance order for three more 16-episode seasons. As currently scheduled, all loose ends involving smoke monsters, polar bears, and Jack and Kate finally getting it on should be tied up in early 2010. [Variety]
· Did we mention that Spider-Man:3's $227 million overseas was an international box office record? Well, it was! Unless you don't think it should count because it includes a six-day total from some early-opening foreign territories. [THR]
· DreamWorks wins the bidding war for Peter Jackson's The Lovely Bones adaptation, committing at least $65 million to the project. Now that the deal is closed, perhaps Jackson's lawyers will calm down about assistants sharing the script. [Variety]
· Fans of the The OC who think the show was mercy-killed prematurely should be heartened by creator Josh Schwartz's pilot season buzz, which indicates that his projects for NBC and The CW are looking like strong contenders for pick-ups. [THR]
· In other pre-upfront pick-up news, NBC has already greenlighted Medium for a fourth season, ensuring that at least one network will have a juggsy psychic on its primetime schedule this Fall. [Variety]

· Here's comes Spider-Man 3! But how much will it make on its domestic opening weekend, after breaking records in 10 of the 16 territories in which it's already playing? Experts agree: a fucking shitload. [[Variety]
· But! Is THR playing the hype card? We're reminded that the beginning of the summer blockbuster season is always accompanied by the loss of "all sense of perspective." Whatever. This movie's doing $400 million in three days, we can feel it. [THR]
· Reese Witherspoon's Type A Films is developing an adaptation of Rebecca Godfrey's Under the Bridge, the "true-crime account of a brutal high school murder." With no superhero angle to speak of and no prospects of breaking Pirates 2's box office record, why are we wasting time on this? Our theory: Witherspoon is in talks to play Mary Jane in Spidey-4. [Variety]
· Liv Tyler will star opposite Edward Norton in next summer's The Incredible Hulk. Opening weekend prediction: a disappointing $37 million. Hey, no Spider-Man cameo. [THR]
· Thursday night's special, two-hour, spinoff-introducing Grey's Anatomy holds the show's usual viewership, so get ready to enjoy Dr. Addison's romantic misadventures on a weekly basis this Fall. (Did we really hear Tim Daly say, "I'm going to kiss you with tongue?" Maybe they're saving the snappier, "I'm going to place my penis inside you. Then move it around" banter for the actual series.) [Variety]

This morning will surely bring disappointment to those excitedly awaiting the results of the bold pilot-season experiment represented by ABC's Cavemen, the network's attempt to synthesize the best elements of auto-insurance advertising and situational comedy into a groundbreaking, hybrid infotainment form: according to a review posted on Ain't It Cool, ABC's half-hour treatment fails to live up to the thrilling promise of Geico's inspired source material. An excerpt:

· Variety remembers recently deceased MPAA legend Jack Valenti, calling him "colorful," "charismatic," a "prime mover behind the movie ratings system," and the "industry's most ardent cheerleader." Also: "The silver-haired Valenti was a natty dresser and courtly gentleman who enjoyed using five-dollar words and arcane historical and literary allusions as he spoke out on numerous issues, all of which seemed to get him into a high lather." [Variety]
· The Reporter remembers Valenti as an "eloquent, high-level power broker" and recalls the "hump the hostess" anecdote of which we're so fond. [THR]
· In other Valenti news: His memoir, This Time, This Place, will still be released on June 5th, as planned. [Variety]
· American Idol fans overlook the show's unspeakably inhumane gotcha! prank on eventual winner Jordin Sparks, donating $60 million to its Idol Gives Back charity drive so far. [THR]
· ABC rides a penis worm and a set of giant, deformed balls to a Thursday night win to kick off May sweeps. [Variety]

Rosie got pushed out by ABC. Was it the grabbing the crotch and shouting "Eat me"? Probably not. As grotesque as that command was, as awful as that image may be, it was probably just a gag-inducing moment that only confirmed what the ABC suits and Barbara Walters had already decided. They had to have decided she must go because of one reason: her insistence on pushing 9/11 conspiracy nutter theories on national network television, a deeply embarrassing thing for any self-respecting network, especially one that is vying for the top spot in the evening news wars.

Viewers of last night's Grey's Anatomy were treated to a suprise cameo appearance—or two, to be precise. As the staff of Seattle Grace stood transfixed, a patient unveiled his massive testicles, which dangled briefly into the frame like a pair of fleshy, deformed grapefruit. As it turns out, the Cisco Adlerian stones were actually the result of [SPOILER ALERT] spectacular genetics, and the patient had merely shown up for his annual physical—a routine procedure that quickly took on intimidating proportions, requiring the combined strength of Drs. McDreamy, McSteamy, and McChokey just to lift a single elephantine teste before ordering the patient to turn to the right and cough.

Today's Variety shares a heartwarming story about how ABC president Steve "My Kingdom For A Sitcom That Can Run For At Least 13 Episodes" McPherson helped his hard-working employees celebrate yesterday's Pilot Screening Eve, the unofficial holiday taking place on the day before the network's footy-pajama-clad development team emerges at dawn from the offices they've been sleeping in since March to screen this Fall season's series hopefuls. Reports Var:

· Warner Bros. is in talks with American Ferrara, Blake Lively, Amber Tamblyn and Alexis Bledel to reprise their roles in a much-clamored for sequel to The Sisterhood of the Traveling Pants, which will finally provide some answers to the many unanswered, peripatetic-jeans-related questions posed by the original. [Variety]
· But wait! Scandal! THR says that Ferrara, whose Ugly Betty stardom has made her outgrow her humble, traveling pants beginnings, is being forced back into the project by a sequel option. [THR]
· Warner Bros. buys the feature remake rights to the documentary Our Brand Is Crisis, about how James Carville's political consulting firm helped changed the course of the 2002 Bolivian presidential election, for George Clooney's Smoke House shingle to produce as one of the smallish directing and/or starring vehicles in which the actor likes to dabble between Ocean's 11 sequels. [Variety]
· ABC wins Sunday night despite Desperate Housewives hitting an all-time viewership low. Time to kill off Eva Longoria during sweeps? Probably couldn't hurt! [THR]
· Lindsay Lohan loses her job in the Dylan Thomas biopic The Best Time of Our Lives to Sienna Miller, whose inevitable tabloid misadventures will probably be somewhat less damaging to the production than Lohan's. [Variety]