America’s favorite fast food nightmare burger now comes with a limited-time bonus side dish in the form of mild digestive problems. To match the spooky black bun of the Halloween Whopper, customers’ excrement has been turning an equally spooky shade of green.

What looks like Mountain Dew, tastes like Doritos, and sounds just awful? If you guessed "Dewitos," a new soft drink concocted by the food criminals at Pepsi, congratulations, you're qualified to be an executive at America's largest food and beverage company.

There is absolutely no reason for this to exist.

Snickering car collector Jay Leno, America's foremost mediocrity merchant, was today named the recipient of the 17th annual Mark Twain Prize for American Humor. Perhaps there has been a mistake?

Though "authentic" tourism experiences will always carry a whiff of the ridiculous, a case can be made that visiting a country's slums does have some redeeming side effects. Unless you're visiting fake slums built inside a luxury resort.

Here is some straight up bullshit: some scientist who like "playing god" are trying to improve on one of God's Greatest Creations—the incredible edible egg. NEWS FLASH, eggheads: it ain't gonna happen.

Welcome to PR Dummies. The public relations industry is full of people who are trained to show enthusiasm for any paying customer, on demand. This naturally erodes their own innate taste. Which is to say: PR people have bad taste. Which is to say: please, don't make that rap video.

When kids today grow up and teach them about The Beatles, they'll see John Lennon's face and say "He's from that Citroën commercial!" A weak Twitter defense of this commercial from Sean Lennon makes this even more inexcusable. Unreal.

First, the airbrushes came for Heidi Klum's nipples. Now, in what one can only hope does not signal a trend that will leave Americans sexless once and for all, the airbrushes have struck at an even more vulnerable target: the male wrestlers of Wrestlemania. The city of Orlando seems to feel that John Cena and Floyd Mayweather's nipples are not fit for the public gaze. We pray this abomination is not allowed to stand. Below, close up shots of the monstrous androgynous fighters' chests.