Master of the modern freak show TLC has taken one of the most awkward of common human experiences—having sex for the first time—and made it a billion times worse by presenting it in a ghastly monstrosity of a vastly humiliating reality TV show. Behold the Virgin Diaries, in which a sex-abstaining couple shares their wedding preparation, night, and aftermath.

You know why Texas has the highest birth rate in the nation? And the highest incidence of repeat teen pregnancies? It's all the sex!

Sarah Palin is going to be a grandmother again. Eldest child Track Palin married high school sweetheart Britta Hanson two months ago, and now we hear that Britta is pregnant. The picture above of "Britta Pie," which appeared on a Wasilla friend's Facebook wall, confirms the news she's expecting. Britta looks to be several months along—perhaps more than two months?

We worry, sometimes, about the fate of our nation's queer tweakers, so it's nice to see meth head bisexual and former megachurch pastor Ted Haggard embarking on what's sure to be a very lucrative career as a cameo artist in Christian sex comedies with his brief turn in The Waiting Game, coming at around 1:05 in the video above. Haggard, who identifies as a 21-year-old bisexual, also starred in a short-lived TLC series; we can't imagine it was as good as The Waiting Game looks to be. [via Colorado Springs Gazette]

When students at Washington University found out that grizzly cub Bristol Palin was getting paid $17,500 out of their activities fund to come speak about abstinence, they got upset. So, having learned from others' past mistakes, Palin pulled out.

Famed fetus vessel Bristol Palin ranted against the lamestream media on her Facebook page today. In a post entitled "Mr. Olbermann — Sorry We Can't All be As Perfect As You," Bristol proves that thin skin is an inherited trait.

Do-as-I-say-not-as-I-do abstinence spokesperson Bristol Palin and Jersey Shore's aggressive hook-up artist The Situation aren't the best choices for an abstinence PSA, mostly due to their bad acting skills. They also use the word "situation" 17 times in two minutes. Awful.

In your Tuesday edition of, "Things we never expected to see, but never wanted to see, anyway," we have this: a horribly scripted and acted pro-abstinence PSA starring Bristol Palin and Mike "The Situation" Sorrentino. Watch—if you can—inside.

A gossipy new Christine O'Donnell profile investigates the men in her life—from the lawyer who bought her a house and frequently spent the night ("the walls upstairs are very thin") to her new male roommate: a Christian rocker.

Readers ask: Has never-married abstinence advocate and Senate candidate Christine O'Donnell ever had sex? Yes, that's the whole point! In a 2004 interview, she admitted screwing dudes all the time, in college, before devoting her life to Chastity.

Here in the Greatest Country On Earth, our "abstinence plan" consists of your friends telling you not to go home with that dude when you're drunk. But in China, they're lucky enough to be harangued by America's own evangelical loons!

Levi Johnston's campaign to get back into the Palins' good graces has taken a surprising turn: Following little sister Mercede's claim that Bristol Palin's pregnancy "was NOT an accident!" Levi apparently threatened to disown Mercede if she didn't shut up.

The cutest part of Indiana Rep. Mark Souder's alleged affair with part-time staffer Tracy Jackson? She played the role of interviewer on his YouTube show, where he fretted over "how hard it is to get kids to abstain from sex."

Looking to add a little celebrity star power to your upcoming teen abstinence conference? Why settle for some preacher dork when you could have famous teen ma Bristol Palin as your headline speaker? For a modest fee.

A new, pretty impressive study shows abstinence-only sex ed convinced a "significant portion" of 6th and 7th graders to avoid humping each other for two years. What if we teach kids how to have bad sex? They'll never start! [WaPo]

It might have been the recession — what else is as fun and free? — but actually, the figures come from 2005 and 2006. Lefty sexperts are blaming Bush's abstinence only sex-education, and poverty. Righty sexperts say our culture is too sexualized and if you'd just let them lock those kids up with a Waltons box set it'd all be fine, darn it. [WP]

Years of conservative, abstinence-only sex education, and thus teenagers using bread bags because they can't get condoms, mean that America is now rife with nasty sexually transmitted infections.

Has her being stuck between her insane mother and the vindictive family of her ex made you feel sympathetic toward Bristol Palin? Well, this morning she went on the TV to help with that.

Despite the abundance of college sex magazines these days, it turns out that college kids are actually having less sex than in times past. The average number of partners per year for college men dropped from 2.1 in 2000 to 1.6 in 2006. And everybody overestimates how much sex everybody else is having. Alecia Oleyourrik, the editor of BU's Boink sex magazine and a co-producer of a book (misleadingly) called "College Sex by the People Having It," admits to being "the most prudish" of all her friends. She is looking for work as a waitress in New York, in case any sexless restaurants are hiring [Newsweek]. So much false advertising! Especially considering the covers [slightly NSFW] of some of Boink's past issues (except the masturbation issue, I guess):

Lenny Kravitz has been rushed to the hospital with severe bronchitis! We should all take his extreme dehydration and fatigue as a cautionary tale about what three years without sex can do to a man. Lenny needs to take Nicole Kidman to a romantic farm with some candles and a Devendra Banhart CD, ASAP. [Showbiz Spy]