"Miserable" Britney seeks solace with a sleazy ex-boyfriend. Kim Kardashian has a new beau. Robert Pattinson "just took a shit on the Queen's face." (Sort of.) Lindsay Lohan's ex-assistant remains loyal. Thursday gossip will stab you in the back.

• It looks like Bethenny Frankel will be staying single a little while longer. A day after she and A-Rod were spotted on a "date" at a steakhouse in Florida, the Yankee was seen "canoodling" with a "trashy blond girl" at the Delano. Oh, well. [NYDN]
• It's official: Heidi Klum is with child. [Us]
• Good news for Jesus Luz: Not only is he back together with Madonna, he's booked Dolce & Gabbana's next campaign, too. [WWD]
• Estée Lauder CEO William Lauder says he's not paying his baby mama Taylor Stein the $500k a year she was promised because she violated their confidentiality agreement. Her lawyer says it was actually William's wife Karen who leaked word of the baby to the press. [NYP]

• Madonna won't be leaving Malawi with a baby after all: A judge listed a residency requirement as the reason why he rejected her adoption petition, although there's still a possibility Madonna will appeal the ruling. [People, E!]
• These are tough times for Kelly Killoren Bensimon. The "Real Housewife," who was arrested a couple of weeks ago for allegedly beating up her boyfriend, now just lost her Saks modeling gig. [P6]
• Andre Balazs appears to have a new special someone in his life. He was spotted making out with beer heiress Daphne Guinness the other night. [P6]

Mickey Rourke dates strange ladies, Frankie Delgado is a jerk, and so much celebrity-baby news that you might just never want to have a baby yourself, thus ending the human race. And on a Monday!

People are planning for Liz Taylor's death, if only because of they were caught so thoroughly unawares by Pete Wentz and Ashlee Simpson's reported marriage problems and Nadya Suleman being called a horrid mom.

• The Jeremy Piven sushi drama just won't quit. Piven's dispute with producers over his decision to leave the cast of Speed-the-Plow will now be heard by an arbitrator in June. But Piven doesn't seem too worried: He says he's "looking forward to testifying," since President Obama recently described mercury poisoning as "the world's gravest chemical problem." [Reuters, Us, TMZ]
• Sean Penn and Natalie Portman were supposedly spotted "making out" at the Sunset Tower Hotel earlier this month. At least that's what the Star says. [Star]
• Are David Duchovny and Tea Leoni getting back together? They were spotted "canoodling" on the beach in Mustique. [NYDN]
• Scarlett Johansson is on a "rigid diet" at the moment. She's also the "new muse" of Moet & Chandon, just so you know. [P6, WWD]

• Not such good news for Kanye West: He was charged with misdemeanor battery, grand theft and vandalism yesterday in connection with the fight he had with a bunch of photographers at LAX back in September. He could face up to 2 1/2 years in jail if convicted, although that's highly unlikely. And since they're not felony charges, he isn't expected to appear in court when he's arraigned on April 14. [NYDN, LAT, AP]
• Mariah Carey and Nick Cannon are supposedly planning a massive—but totally top-secret!—second wedding, just in time for their one-year anniversary in April. But please don't tell anyone. [In Touch]
• James Franco is having a hard time moving around the Columbia University campus now that so many of his fans have figured out his class schedule. [P6]
• John Mayer's rep says he is not writing a tell-all book about Jennifer Aniston, despite what you may have read in Star. [MSNBC]

• Did Kelly Killoren Bensimon ask her boyfriend to lie about getting beat up so she could use it as a PR ploy to "better her chances of being asked back" on Real Housewives next season? That's what her bitchy co-stars are saying as part of a PR ploy to get the attention turned back on themselves. [NYDN]
• Estée Lauder CEO William Lauder is being sued by Taylor Stein, who gave birth to his baby in 2007, for stopping child support payments. [P6]
• In an interview with Matt Lauer, Michael Phelps says he made a "bad mistake" in South Carolina, although he's still not saying what this mistake was. [People]
• Lindsay Lohan has settled the lawsuit filed by a woman whose $11,000 coat LiLo took from 1OAK last year. Also: She left her poor bodyguard stranded in Las Vegas earlier this week. [P6, P6]

• Andre Balazs and Sharon Stone were seen cuddling on a couch "all night" at the Oscar party at Guy Oseary's home on Sunday, and looked like they "couldn't have been more into each other." We're beginning to sense a pattern here, how about you? [NYDN]
• Newlyweds Tommy Hilfiger and Dee Ocleppo are expecting a baby. [P6]
• Jeremy Piven will make his case in front of an Actors' Equity panel tomorrow and offer proof it was mercury poisoning that forced him to drop out of Speed-the-Plow. Good luck with that. [NYP]
• Warren Beatty supposedly wants Lindsay Lohan to star in his new movie, but only if she moves in with him and Annette Bening during filming. [Fox411]
• Chris Brown has started taking anger management classes. He's also had to hire bodyguards because he says he now fears for his safety. [NYDN, InTouch]

• Madonna is supposedly furious with Alex Rodriguez for returning to his ex-wife Cynthia after the steroid scandal broke a few days ago; we're guessing she won't be too happy with the pics of A-Rod partying with a group of girls in the Bahamas the weekend before, either. [NYDN, NYP]
• Mandy Moore and Ryan Adams are engaged. [People, P6]
• Cops will reinterview Rihanna and Chris Brown in the coming days. [NYDN]
• Mort Zuckerman had a nice, long, expensive lunch at the Four Seasons right after slashing benefits at the Daily News. [P6]
• Prince Harry has been ordered to undergo "sensitivity training." [People]

After weeks of doling out clips to a Cheeto-starved global audience, MTV finally aired the paparazzi cautionary tale entitled Britney: For the Record last night. "No topic was off limits," boasted the introductory crawl. "No question went unanswered." And no follow-up question went asked! Thus, we left the special with almost as many concerns as we had going in, including:

• Heather Locklear's DUI bust? Called in by an ex-Us Weekly staffer who now runs a paparazzi agency. She watched Locklear get into the car, then snapped pictures as she was taking her sobriety test. TMZ paid her more than $27,000 for the shots. And, uh, for ensuring road safety or whatever. [Scoop]

♦ Britney Spears went to a Bronx school yesterday to visit some children. Unfortunately, the school was closed for the second day of Rosh Hashanah, so her handlers had to rustle up a bunch of other kids for the photo op. [OK!]
♦ Adnan Ghalib is backtracking on his Britney sex tape story. He now says there never was one to begin with. [MSNBC]
♦ Larry Flynt says his company has already shot a new porn movie starring a Sarah Palin look-alike, although he's not revealing the title yet. [R&M]
♦ Are Gisele Bundchen and Tom Brady getting married? [Chicago Sun-Times]
♦ The woman who spotted Heather Locklear's car swerving and dialed 911 was former Us Weekly staffer Jill Ishkanian, who now runs a paparazzi photo agency of her own. [MSNBC]

Like Bigfoot, the legend surrounding Britney Spears's sex tape is one that refuses to go away, no matter how terrifying it might be to eventually lay eyes on the real thing. Also, much like Bigfoot, recent news that appeared to finally confirm its existence may have been dashed, as the sex tape's supposed peddler, paparazzo ex-boyfriend Adnan Ghalib, is claiming that no such thing exists. First Anne Hathaway, now Britney — is any celebrity sex rumor safe? Said an angry Ghalib to Star:

♦ Harvey Weinstein may be a million bucks poorer today. Or maybe not! After yesterday's email debacle, Harvey says he'll donate $1 million to the Robin Hood Foundation once he can verify that Scott Rudin's email is "authentic," which means he'll probably conduct an "investigation" into the matter until it blows over. [P6]
♦ Janet Jackson has been released from the hospital. But fiancé Jermaine Dupri doesn't seem too concerned. He hasn't missed any of his scheduled party appearances the past few days. [People, R&M]
♦ Britney Spears' lawyers have been working overtime to quash the sex tape she made with Adnan Ghalib. [The Sun]
♦ Salma Hayek was spotted in Paris with her ex Francois-Henri Pinault, which means it's time to start speculating about whether they're getting back together. [Daily Star]

♦ Britney Spears' former boyfriend, paparazzo Adnan Ghalib, says he has a sex video featuring him and Britney which he's willing to part with for the right price. And you thought you were done buying sex tapes after the Verne Troyer masterpiece this summer. [NYDN, E!]
♦ Heath Ledger's life insurance company is calling his death "suspicious" and says it won't pay out his $10 mil. policy until it interviews everyone involved, including Mary-Kate Olsen. [NYP]
♦ Brad Pitt and Angelina Jolie just had twins. But it's Tuesday, which means they're already thinking of adopting another kid. [Daily Mail]
♦ DJ AM and Travis Barker are both out of the hospital. [NYDN, People, P6]
♦ Janet Jackson checked into the hospital in Canada yesterday. [People]

The Three Fates are almost done spinning the American narrative, Atropos readying her scissors to deliver one final snip. When the story is done the great heralding beacon of the end of days will burn brightly, in the form of a Britney Spears sex tape. Yes indeed the misbegotten pop star apparently filmed herself in flagrante delicto with her old creepy paparazzo boyfriend Adnan Ghalib, and now he's waving it around threatening to release it. How did we get to this point? Well, after the jump we'll take a look at three other celebrity sex tapes that, had our foresight only been as 20/20 as our hindsight, we could have recognized as the end of everything.

Though Britney Spears is currently shooting the video for her upcoming single "Womanizer," it's another, very different clip that's begun to attract attention: a long-rumored sex tape involving the then-bewigged star, shot in Mexico by her former paparazzi beau Adnan Ghalib. Now, Ghalib is finally confirming the sex tape's existence, and he says he's willing to sell it to the highest bidder:

• OMG smoking gun: Lindsay Lohan and Samantha Ronson are hugging and holding hands and putting their faces close together and everything! It's nearly almost practically lesbian kissing, and thus proof that they are girlfriends in that way. [Egotastic] (Photo via Egotastic)

Most sex tape rumors involving Britney Spears are either too good to be true (Colin Farrell!) or too gross to convince us to want to see them at all (K. Fed). But the latest story from the tabloids is filled with details so plausible (especially considering the then-manic Package's mental state) that we're not so sure it's just another fairy tale. As the National Enquirer is reporting (again, don't judge a supermarket tab's creds by its cheap cover):