It turns out that squads of Guardian Jews are protecting the biggest celebrities in Hollywood, starting with Britney Spears and Paris Hilton. Demand for their services has only grown with the transformation of the paparazzi into a much more cutthroat gang that includes illegal immigrants and ex-thugs. Celebrity network TMZ filed a video report on Jewish guards that milks the ethnic angle for all it's worth, as in the brief excerpt after the jump: Hava Negila plays in the background, a spurious connection is made between celebrity bodyguarding and counterterrorism and a Jew pops off semiautomatic handgun shots like he bought the bullets wholesale:

You ever get the feeling you're being persecuted based solely on your personal creeds and beliefs? That a sinister cabal is against you because they don't like what you represent? Then you know how I feel today. Friends, I want to tell you something: The Jews are after me. That's right, using their powerful positions in the media, this master race is coming at me like an elite team of Israeli special forces. (Is it an actual simile if you compare the Jews to the Jews? Hmm!) Anyway, they have a problem with some of the larger truths I've been telling about their secretive ways and financial acumen.