On yesterday's episode of Charlie Rose, Endeavor superagent and frequent HuffPo-contributing gripe-haver Ari Emanuel joined his two equally accomplished siblings—Rahm, an Illinois Congressman, Ezekiel, a National Institutes of Health bioethicist—for a roundtable entitled, "A discussion about healthcare with Ezekiel, Ari, and Rahm Emanuel." Asked by Rose how he ended up in the comparatively glamorous arena of entertainment, the Endeavor head explained how he considers himself not so much a Hollywood agent as a showbizethicist, taking on only those artists whose work can elicit some societal change.

Our noting earlier of a rumor that CAA assistants were now being made to park in a life-size Connect 4 board on the bottommost level of the Death Star parking structure brings us this report from an operative directly affected by the new policy:

As if life wasn't hard enough for the Stormtrooping underclass aboard the CAA Death Star—one moment, they're required to spend an afternoon with their foot wedged beneath their boss's wobbly Aeron chair, the next, they're returning a baby coldcuts platter to Jerry's for not having "enough girl meat"—Deadline Hollywood Daily reports the agency's assistants are now subjected to this:

It seems as if our reconnaissance on Speed Racer—quickly shaping up to be one of the biggest turkeys in recent Hollywood history—proved correct: The film was indeed third at the box office this weekend, taking in $18.6 million, $1.6 million short of the bloated studio estimates released yesterday. (What Happens in Vegas actually $200k more than its $2 million estimate.) And there's more Racer roadkill:

Were you, like us, rendered an incapacitated, drooling mess after trying to slog through Variety's report on the agency-defection madness currently gripping the screenwriting trade? Perhaps you are simply a visual learner, in which case we've drafted for you a handy pictorial guide to the recent comings and goings of the Bedhopping Six. (We managed to find photos of all them, save the Google Image-shy husband-wife team of Cormac and Marianne Wibberley, the National Treasure writers instead represented by Nicolas Cage wielding a torch inside Mt. Rushmore's Teddy Roosevelt nostril.)

It's a story as old as Hollywood itself: An attractive actor who's done everything he can to get himself into the spotlight just can't get the roles he wants. Is it because his acting isn't quite up to par? Of course not... It's because his agent sucks!

· NBC is close to unveiling their very fantasy- and action-heavy 2008-09 lineup, including a pickup of Knight Rider, and Robinson Crusoe, an "'adrenaline-charged' update of the classic tale." Said Ben Silverman, "We just wanted to give audiences a viable alternative to all the really, really gay stuff Steve McPherson seems to love so much over at ABC." [Variety]
· The heirs of Superman creator Jerome Seigel have won a lawsuit against Warner Bros. that could cost the studio millions. This all comes courtesy of attorney Marc Toberoff, who's pursued similar claims against the studio on such other projects as Wild Wild West, Dukes of Hazzard, Smallville, and Get Smart, earning him the nickname "The Copyright Crusader," or, as WB execs refer to him, "Ass Tumor." [Variety]
· The first organized protests by a Fanboys fan group called the 501st are not likely to elicit any pants-soiling from Harvey Weinstein: "The 501st claims 14 members showed up in New York and, when confronted by two security guards, chose to go inside and pay to see 21 instead." They are now planning a 21 demonstration for later in the week, protesting the film's "lack of quality Kate Bosworth boobage." [THR]

A disturbance in the Vince Vaughn-management force yesterday sent ripples across the universe; within minutes, the CAA Death Star had dispatched two TIE fighters to snatch up the free-floating superstar—just as they did with former UTA clients Jim Carrey and Will Ferrell. One lunchtime pitch session, catered by Zankou Baby, was all it took to convince Vaughn he had found a new family among the Dark Lords of the CAA Sith. [Variety]

If you're the average superstar, surrounding yourself with a dream-team of handlers is probably the single most important decision you'll make: Any weak link in the commission-claiming chain can result in the kinds of career missteps that result in disastrous tumbles down the Hollywood food chain, where you'll soon find yourself groveling for any elephant-voicing breadcrumbs the studios are still willing to toss your way. (Needless to say, with plenty of strings attached). Vince Vaughn knows this all too well, and he's reportedly disposed of his entire team in one phoned-in management massacre. From the Deadline Hollywood Daily exclusive:

It's been too long since we've cuddled up with HuffPo powerblogger Ari Emanuel: The dissolution of his Ari's Frustration of the Day column by no stretch of the imagination suggests the Endeavor partner has suddenly developed a Zen-like acceptance of his rightful, bitch-hugging place in the universe. On the contrary, it seems that certain lurid acts committed by state-level politicians have nudged the bug that's taken permanent residence inside his hindquarters further up the Ari Coast than ever before:

We turn now to the toiling assistant underclass, thanklessly shoveling call-rolling coal into the giant furnaces of the majestic agenting ships that dominate the Hollywood seas. (Forgive us. We're tired and all we can manage are Titanic-inspired metaphors right now.) Sadly, it's news of yet another dehumanizing blow to their ranks, as UTA higher-ups circulated a memo today informing assistants they would no longer have e-mail addresses using their own names. Instead, their new e-mail addresses would reflect their parasitic dependency on their desk-lamp-launching host-agents. The memo:

Breaking! More news from the front lines of what some are already calling the Great CAA Egg Roll Fire of 2008. Another reader reports: "Ironically, I am told the egg roll caught fire in the microwave. HR removed all CAA's toaster ovens months ago...(wait for it), 'fire hazard,' they said. Is no one safe?" Clearly, the carefully calibrated CAA microwaves, set to cook a fresh baby to perfection in its own steamer bag with a mere two clicks of the potato button, as a commenter once pointed out, were not equipped to handle something as small as an egg roll. Developing...

Sometimes, all it takes is something relatively insignificant—say, the firing of two proton torpedoes down a thermal exhaust port that leads directly to a reactor core, or an overcooked chinese appetizer—to fell the seemingly invulnerable. This just in from a Defamer operative stationed in the vicinity of the CAA Death Star: "Not sure if you heard, but apparently the caa bldg. was evacuated because someone burnt an egg roll in a toaster oven and it set off the fire alarm." We encourage further eyewitness accounts of the burnt-egg-roll carnage (and baby-flavored dipping sauces) that brought operations at Hollywood's most powerful institution to a grinding halt.

Well, we certainly weren't expecting this on our last day, but we'll share the nice, unsigned note we just got from the address deathstarvader@hotmail.com: "Hey, buddy, best o' luck! Some of us just met up in the fourth floor kitchenette to nuke one up in your honor! They get a little tough when you prepare them this way, but whatever! LOL!" [Image via WoW Report]

Following the magical transformation of longtime rep Risa Shapiro from agent to manager (the ceremony, we're told, involves drinking the still-warm blood of a freshly slain mailroom clerk), Jennifer Connelly has signed with CAA, having been vulnerable just long enough for the Creative Artists' tractor beams to pull her from her former agency's nearby Century City headquarters and into the gaping maw of the Death Star. While we're sure that now-manager Shapiro's first order of business was making the transition as painless as possible for the actress, we're sure that the decision was still at least a little agonizing, particularly the part where Connelly was forced to choose which of her adorable children to turn over to CAA as career-boosting collateral, ensuring that the new client will think twice about abandoning the relationship once their honeymoon period wears off. [Deadline Hollywood Daily]

· Anxious that the Oscars are approaching and he still has no real idea of whether or the WGA—obviously a little preoccupied with their own issues—intends to grant a waiver for their awards ceremony, Academy president Sid Ganis begs the Guild for answers so that complicated logistical issues can be resolved. "We're running out time! [desperate punctuation ours]," wails Ganis, pleading for the sweet release of either a simple "yes" or "no." [Variety]
· Following his reported Monday dismissal from CAA for allegedly getting caught with his hand too far into Oprah's network cookie jar, reality TV agent Michael Camacho lands at UTA after "competitive and aggressive courting" by other agencies who believe that the controversy just proves he's an impish go-getter who might have gotten a little carried away during that recent Death Star misadventure. [THR]

· Mattel joins fellow toy manufacturer Hasbro in leaping into CAA's embrace, turning over brands like American Girl, Hot Wheels and Fisher-Price to the agency for potentially lucrative Hollywood exploitation. First order of business: attaching artificially smooth client Nicole Kidman to a live-action Barbie project by convincing her that another round of full-body laser resurfacing should erase any concerns about being far too old for the part. [Variety]
· The show will go on! cries Academy president Sid Ganis, reassuring the nominees assembled at yesterday's Oscar luncheon that they'll get the recognition they deserve whether or not the strike is resolved by the end of February. "The Oscar exists to shine the brightest possible light on you and your work, and it would be such a terrible shame, through no fault of yours and no fault of ours, if the current conditions prevented us from shining that brightest possible light." [THR]

Life behind the gleaming walls of the CAA Death Star, it should hardly surprise you to hear, is not all baby-buffets and games: Being the most powerful agenting force in the universe means that daily, high-stakes deals negotiated by employees with Vader-sized ambitions will occasionally require the building to fold in on itself and munch on one of its own. Which is precisely what happened to TV packager Michael Camacho after getting his hands a little to deeply inside the Oprahphagus. From Deadline Hollywood Daily:

While this morning's Academy Awards nominees sheepishly douse themselves in champagne, unsure about how outwardly excited to get about an upcoming ceremony that may consist of nothing more than a picket line of tuxedoed writers, another anticlimactic recitation of winners' names by the best TelePrompter readers show business has to offer, and a four-hour montage of Oscar's Less Strike-Hampered Glory Days ("There will be lots of clips — we have a long history, 80 years, to explore."), a truly sobering note has been struck by William Morris' Ed Limato.

We haven't had time to fully digest W's just-released, Hollywoodcentric "A-List" issue (it is, after all, Friday afternoon, and the liquid lunch hit us a little harder than we anticipated), but we did take a moment to have at look at the magazine's exclusive tour of the CAA Death Star, a piece that includes some stunning photography of the evil agenting monolith's intimidating new Century City headquarters. Writes Kevin West on the current Creative Artists leadership's wise display of restraint in not trying to outdo co-founder Michael Ovitz's legendary, I.M. Pei-designed shark-tank: "In the end, what makes CAA's building most interesting is not that it's an architectural masterpiece, but rather that it isn't. And that may be its smartest success. For [Bryan] Lourd and Co., the heirs of a brilliant visionary, to attempt to outbuild Ovitz would have smacked of edifice-complex insecurities—or, even worse, unbridled vanity, since no architecture should distract attention from the real stars of the building, the CAA clientele." Still, Lourd did allow himself a single, selfish extravagance. After the jump, the partner invites W's photographer to observe him in the custom-designed sanctuary where he winds down after a hard day planning the total domination of the industry: