Welcome to another edition of America's Ugliest Accent, where we as a country gather together to determine which of us in this great nation of disgusting vocal squalor has the least listenable accent. Every day this week, Round One of the Tournament, we'll be presenting two face-offs between cities. You, humble reader, will decide a victor.

If you're from Philadelphia, your preferred non-Yuengling beverage is wooder. If you're from New York City, your greatest enemies are the bridge-and-tunnel crowd from Lawng Island. If you're from Los Angeles, you respond to people who hop on the 405 at rush hour with a pained "Whyy-ee?"

Tommy Schaefer, a 21-year-old American who was on vacation with his girlfriend and mother in Bali, has confessed to the murder of 62-year-old Sheila von Wiese-Mack, whose body was discovered stuffed in a bloody suitcase by a local taxi driver on August 13, police say.

Theodore Wafer, the man convicted of shooting and killing 19-year-old Renisha McBride on his Dearborn Heights, Michigan porch last November, was sentenced to 17 years for second-degree murder.

Red Robin is home to the unhealthiest meal in America, according to USA Today. In a report released by the Center for Science in the Public Interest, the "Monster" double burger, "bottomless" fries and a "Monster" milkshake clocks in at 3,450 calories. Also on the list were offerings from The Cheesecake Factory, including a "Brulee French Toast," which sounds delicious, but also terrifying.

America is over. Where can an immigrant get a fair shake from a welcoming government? Germany.

Earlier this week, Kid Rock peered at his glass dildo and nodded solemnly, his eyes welling. He knew this day would one day come, but he was blindsided nonetheless. If the young blonde in his bed saw the tear roll down his cheek, she wouldn't have known why. Kid was keeping this secret deep inside: he had been notified via a subpoena that he must present the crystal clear sex toy, gifted to him by an employee of Insane Clown Posse, as evidence in a sexual harassment trial.

Next time someone tries to tell you New York City isn't Real America, you remind them: 1 World Trade Center is 1,776 feet tall, man. Ain't that America? We love our country so much, in fact, that a new skyscraper — Earth's tallest residential building! — will top out one foot lower in patriotic deference.

Jeb Lund, the friend of Gawker also known as Mobute, has posted an Independence Day-related meditation on the sandwichness of hot dogs at that most American of publications, The Guardian. Lund arrives at the right conclusion for the wrong reasons. Here is why hot dogs are sandwiches.

As the story of the so-called "Nanny From Hell" continues to unfold, it becomes clearer and clearer that America is a nation of cringing dupes and shameless predators, and that most of the predators are also dupes. The coverage, very much including this site's own coverage, has been dedicated to the peculiar notion that the villain in the story is Diane Stretton, the so-called "nanny" who has been refusing to leave the house of her employers.

Bad news: Since 1764, the United States has had one fewer school shooting than the next 38 nations combined. Good news: That study only counted up to 2009, so we're probably the world's undisputed No. 1 now.

A woman in Pennsylvania was imprisoned for failing to pay a debt to the state. And then she died in her cell.

America's gun conversation, to the extent that there is one, is facile, extreme and led by monied interests on both ends. The NRA is awful and the vocal anti-gun left is little better—focused on superficial answers to a culture-wide problem. Here are some reform ideas that ought to be taken seriously.

Michael Gove, Britain's conservative Education Secretary, appears to be a bit ruffled by the quality of American literature: in a move encouraged by Gove, two works of American fiction have been removed from the national GCSE exam syllabus entirely.

So here are some things to know about Ames, Iowa, based on this adorable and rather ridiculous video called "Hooray for Ames!" which I swear is not a clip from Parks & Recreation. Ames has very clean water. Commutes to work are no longer than 20 minutes. There are 36 "recreation areas." The spring is mild. Did I mention the water?

Caity: What we learned yesterday is that no one should ever go to the Statue of Liberty under any circumstances.

Now that polio is out of control in Pakistan, the White House has finally decided to let it be known that the CIA is very sorry about using public-health efforts as cover in its secret war—thereby encouraging anti-vaccination violence—and we won't do it anymore. (Unless we're lying about that, as more misdirection.)

Nearly two-thirds of Americans polled by NBC News said they'd favor a return to death by gas, electric chair, firing squad or hanging if lethal injection was found impractical. What's your preference? Personally, I'd like to have seen polling numbers for garroting and breaking on the wheel.

An estimated 55 percent of Americans believe they're smarter than the average American. No word on how many can define irony.

A study released today by the UCLA's Civil Rights Center reports that 60 years after Brown v. Board of Education, American schools are slowly re-segregating themselves, particularly in the suburbs. Someone should let the conservative wing of the Supreme Court know!