[Photo Credit: Splash Pics]

Ho-hum. Clint Eastwood went to Cannes and all he got were more late-career raves, award mentions, his star Angelina Jolie on his arm and perhaps the most meta title switcheroo in Hollywood history: The Exchange (née Changeling) has all kinds of fans at the festival, where the child-disappearance drama premieres today in competition and already has Variety's Todd McCarthy running back at his hotel room to change his pants:

Certainly the sight of Angelina Jolie topless comes as nothing new to even the most casual Jolie breast enthusiast—but that shouldn't mean that every fresh specimen isn't something worth celebrating. Take for example a recent series of photographs, shot by a paparazzo with a telephoto lens the size of a small corn silo, of the actress on a Cannes balcony. Whatever discomfort we may have experienced over this mild invasion of privacy were quickly offset by the excitement of stealing a double-helping glimpse of her Brad-only goodies. We've obfuscated the offending, glorious bits with the star of her latest animated voiceover project: We like to imagine censor-dot Kung Fu Panda is thinking, "Boobies!" to himself in a voice that sounds unmistakably like Jack Black's.

Heroin? S&M sex? BORING. The real nugget of sadism behind the unearthed video of actress-turned-self-righteous-humanitarian Angelina Jolie in the UK's Sun is her blasé confession about—whoops!—kind of killing her pets. She's worse than Paris Hilton, who got in trouble for neglecting her many chihuahuas—and worst of all, young Jolie, filmed rambling on in what the Sun calls a "drug den," thinks her forgetfulness is really cute, grinning sheepishly as she recounts the pets she's killed over the years: "I had a dog and I ended up beating him, and he got sick and... I've hurt so many—I am just not a good animal person... I had a rabbit that died, too... a cage fell on him..."

It may not contain that promised footage of Angelina Jolie smoking heroin, but the rumored “drug tape” featuring the future mother-of-six has been released by a British tabloid. And while Jolie herself isn’t filmed doing any drugs, she doesn't appear to need any, as she spends a good two minutes babbling about how S&M has spiritually changed her life. As her anonymous junkie friend casually smokes heroin next to her, Angelina talks nonstop as though the shady characters huddled nearby are licensed therapists. How seeing her baby lizard left in the sun changed her life, and why she is just so tired of explaining to people that sadomasochism is not just about accessories but about healing, after the jump.

• Sean Penn is not cool with former close personal friend (and supermodel) Petra Nemcova talking to his wife, with whom the movie star is now reconciled. "It wasn't long before we saw Penn march over, take Robin by the elbow and lead her away, saying, 'Come and meet my friend.'" [Rush & Molloy]

• An LA band called Lustra called out Miley Cyrus by name for a song that sounds way, way too much like one of their songs. But it turns out Cyrus doesn't write any of her own songs, so now the band kind of looks like a bunch of assholes. [P6]

There’s no shortage of sleazy surprises in the world of baby picture pimping. Today, TMZ reports that soon-to-be-dad Matthew McConaughey and his model girlfriend Camila Alves have hired an actual agent to auction off photos of their upcoming newborn’s visage to the major glossies. And the “brand agent” in question, Todd Shemarya, has quite a record — he’s the man behind Brangelina’s record-setting deal with People, and Christina Aguilera’s far less pricey cover with the same weekly. As disturbed as we are that such a man exists, we’re more saddened to learn that former nude bongo player and hairy beach hippie McConaughey would cash in on his first kid. We're actually starting to miss the hobo doing push-ups outside a trailer we'd grown accustomed to. Then again, the $1MM that he's reportedly been offered by three separate spawn-obsessed mags can buy a lot of t-shirts. [TMZ]

[Photo Credit: Getty Images]

As we noted yesterday, Jack Black took the liberty of announcing that Brad Pitt and Angelina Jolie are expecting twins during a pre-taped interview on The Today Show, which we all got to see for ourselves this morning. One would think Black’s blooper would ruffle Jolie’s feathers, but as this clip shows, Jolie handled the situation with breezy laughter and an amicable Oh Well! shrug. And as it turns out, Black wasn’t the only Kung Fu Panda co-star to fill everyone in on The Chosen Two’s glorious impending arrival. Once again for no apparent reason, fading funny man Dustin Hoffman decided to reveal the twins’ due date during the same segment. When Brangelina is expecting and which nationality Jolie has selected for her next soccer team members, after the jump.

[Actors Dustin Hoffman, Angelina Jolie, and Jack Black promoting their film "Kung Fu Panda" at the Cannes film festival today; image via Splash]

[Photo Credit: INF Daily]

• This gold bust of Oprah features two dogs above her head, begins showing next week at a gallery and is intended to highlight "the overlooked threat of accidental pet fatality by common household products." [Oh No They Didn't] (Photo from Caplakesting.com via OhNoTheyDidn't)

Despite the fact that just about everyone and their favorite blog have known that Angelina Jolie and Brad Pitt are expecting two Chosen Ones this time around, heroin dabbler-turned-UN Ambassador Jolie had yet to officially confirm the news. And until a Today Show interview taped today in Cannes, featuring Jolie and co-star Jack Black promoting their upcoming animated flick Kung Fu Panda, we’re pretty sure the very pregnant actress would have kept her lips sealed until the day those magical spawns open their cherubic eyes for the first time. But thanks to an impromptu joke made by Black, Jolie was put on the spot, and clever Today host Natalie Morales took full advantage of it...

We long ago gave up our illusions about Film Independent's annual Los Angeles Film Festival being any kind of authentic showcase for, well, independent film. Like when Transformers launched the fest last year? Right. But that's the biz, and if it takes Universal to step in on opening night June 19 with its Angelina Jolie action thriller Wanted just so we can see the revelatory Russian entry Cargo 200 on the West Coast, then that's a price we're willing to pay. (And hell, we'll probably even check out Wanted while we're at it.) Follow the jump for a few more highlights, including Universal's other graphic novel adaptation closing the fest.

• Britney Spears managed to stay out of the mental hospital for, like, three whole months, so a court commissioner was "extremely impressed." The singer now gets more time — possibly three days per week — with her kids. No one seems to know how much time she had with them before. But she can maybe have the children over for sleepovers in a month, depending, probably, on how her next TV cameo goes. The system works!

Attention peace-loving residents of Franklin Village! Do you enjoy the speed and convenience with which you park your vehicles along nearby Canyon Drive? The fate of your parking now hangs in the balance—and do-gooding supercouple Brad Pitt and Angelina Jolie are likely to blame. Two upcoming meetings—one at Hollywood Presbyterian Church and one at City Hall—will address the transformation of this once restriction-free parking Eden into a dreaded TPPD, or Temporary Preferential Parking District. Translation: Give up all hope ye who park here, you're going to come back to a ticket. The reason? According to grassroots parking activists franklinvillage.org, the TPPD is the direct result of a UMP, or Unusual Media Presence. Translation: Lets prevent those dirty paps from camping out outside the home of our gorgeous new neighbors, the Pitt-Jolies!

It's official: the world-saving baby-making duo of Brad Pitt and Angelina Jolie are no longer mere entertainers. They are "heroes and pioneers." At least according to the categorical rankings of Time's 100 Most Influential List released today. And not only are they the most influential heroes, they're apparently more influential than Oprah Winfrey. And Tony Blair. In any case, among the "artists and entertainers," the mag happily ranks Lorne Michaels and Robert Downey Jr. high above icky Suze Orman and preachy George Clooney, but we do take issue with several other entries, after the jump.

Gwyneth Paltrow was certainly on a roll when it came to revamping her ice queen image with repeated appearances in bad girl ensembles revealing all kinds of T&A. And we did appreciate the fact that she earnestly tried to justify her new call girl look by explaining that she sucks so hard at the whole acting thing. But at last night's Iron Man premiere in LA, we fear Paltrow's hit a speed bump when it comes to comprehending exactly what "sexy" means. Last we heard, wide-legged jumpsuits showcasing only her clavicle and shoulder blades weren't topping the lists of most male fantasy outfits. But despite falling off the hotness wagon temporarily, Paltrow did manage to pose for a photo that won't exactly improve the week of drug tape-addled Angelina Jolie, baby mama to Paltrow's former fiancé.

Angelina Jolie has come a long way from her blood vial-carrying, lesbian sex-dabbling days as Hollywood's resident bad girl, but the potential release of a tape showing Jolie snorting and smoking heroin may do some serious damage to the soon-to-be mother of six's new reputation as a much hotter version of Mother Teresa. While Jolie has openly admitted to using all kinds of drugs in her past, her alleged comments and behavior shown on the tape in question may overshadow all those Yes I've Done Drugs But Drugs Are Bad comments she's made since: