A zen koan: If Taylor Momsen bares her breasts to a crowd but tabloids can't publish the pictures because she's underage, is it really a celebrity scandal? Of course it is! Saturday Gossip Roundup will bring you peace and prosperity.

Anna Kournikova viciously brawls with another woman in a Vegas club, Leighton Meester sings and acts in a video for Cobra Starship, Michael Jackson looked frail on stage at his concert rehearsals and Chris Brown gets shut down by Jay-Z.

• Sarah Jessica Parker and Matthew Broderick took home their adopted twin daughters, Marion and Tabitha, last week. Now they've released a photo of the whole family. Cute! And a nice palate cleanser after all the sordid Michael Jackson news the past few days, no? [People]
• Speaking of grim details from the Jackson case, here's what you may have missed over the last day or so: The doctor at Jackson's house couldn't call 911 for more than half an hour because he couldn't find a working phone (Jackson disconnected them for "privacy reasons); drugs, insiders says, were most likely the cause of death (duh); and Jackson's last will, which dates back to 2002, provided for his kids and mom, but cut his father out completely. [TMZ]

Suze Orman turns 58 today. Billionaire financier Pete Peterson is turning 83. Teen Vogue editor Amy Astley is 42. Post columnist Andrea Peyser is turning 50. Journalist Bill Moyers is 75. Mark Wahlberg is turning 38. Pete Wentz is 30. Author Chuck Klosterman is 37. Comedian Jeff Garlin is 46. Laurie Anderson, the musician and wife of Lou Reed, is 62. Actor Ron Livingston is turning 42. Art advisor Kim Heirston turns 46. Housing Works president Charles King is 50. Kristin Gore, the author and daughter of Al Gore, turns 32. Movie producer Kathleen Kennedy is 56. And Kenny G celebrates his 53rd birthday today. Weekend birthdays below:

The tabloid said semi-retired Anna Kournikova wants to work for Vogue's Anna Wintour, but really it was the other Russian tennis blonde, Maria Sharapova, who does. Easy way to keep them straight: Sharapova calls her blog posts "doodles," while Kournikova calls them "blogs," just like Arianna Huffington. [Observer]

• Sad Anne Hathaway had been shopping for homes with her scummy Italian boyfriend Rafaello Follieri right before the movie starlet finally realized she had to dump the loser. She told InStyle, for next month's issue: "If we get a house as opposed to an apartment, the first two floors will be a bit more traditional for him to be able to receive people, and the top two floors will be whatever I want." [P6]

When it comes to celebrity couples making out in public, you'd think all those beautiful people would know how to make a kiss look hot. They manage to do it on-screen with complete strangers, and frankly, a large part of their job is to hook up take after take and make it still look steamy and unrehearsed, right? But as our slideshow-happy friends at Us have shown us, stars are seriously lacking in the hot and heavy PDA department. While some couples (Drew Barrymore and Justin Long) are downright sweet, and some are disturbingly turning us on at such an early hour (Enrique and Anna Kournikova, natch), we'd like to officially ban any future photos of a select few couples getting down and dirty ever again. The good, the bad, and the nauseating, after the jump: