We have our first winner in the Valleywag Apple Tablet Scavenger Hunt! The most concrete proof of the messiah machine's existence so far landed in our inbox last night.

We've had enough of trying to follow all the speculation around Apple's impending tablet — how it'll work, its size, the name, the software and whether it will save magazines. We want answers, dammit! And we're willing to pay.

Before each shift, a chef in Charleston, SC vacuum seals his iPhone in plastic by running it through a CryoVac. Now the phone is safe from all water damage throughout his shift. The kicker? The phone remains fully functional.

Everyone may be enjoying their time at CES right now, but this guy can't wait for Macworld. You think you're a fanboy because you own a lot of Apple products? Child's play. Try getting the logo tattooed on your body.

A refugee Apple flack has gone rogue and is now dishing on how the company tries to manipulate the press. Even when bending the truth in the grimy shadows of media relations, Apple uses an immaculate system.

• Prepare to enter the third dimension. ESPN plans to launch a 3D channel in June. And Discovery, Imax and Sony are teaming up on a 3D channel, too.
• Has Kathy Griffin been banned from CNN following her risqué performance alongside Anderson Cooper on New Year's Eve? Maybe yes, maybe no.
• Newsday is cutting pay and vacations for 1,100 of its employees. [NYP]
• Apple's buzzed-about tablet device comes out in March. [WSJ]
• Google's buzzed-about mobile phone/iPhone ripoff debuted today. [BN]
• You'll be relieved to hear that the New York Times has no plans to follow in Kim Kardashian's footsteps and begin sticking ads in its tweets. [AdAge]
• Coming soon: Publicist Kelly Cutrone's TV show and self-help book. [WWD]
• Nielsen closed Kirkus Reviews last week, but it may now have a savior. [NYT]
• Conveyor of Love, the new reality show on ABC that combines dating and the latest in baggage handling technology, is off to a solid start. [Wrap]
• Will Avatar turn out to be the biggest movie ever? Maybe! [MTV]

David Carr thinks the coming Apple Tablet will be the dying print media's holy grail, "saving some embattled print providers from doom." E-media may in fact finally save newspapers. By killing paper. [NYT]

Despite the fact that we're partial to Apple products in general, this spoof is spot-on and hilarious. Lyrics like "a Nano in pink? anything is possible?" and "if you're on a PC then you're not CEO!" put us in stitches.

[Ed Westwick walks the streets of Manhattan with his haul from a day of shopping, including at the Apple store. Image via INF]

Raytheon made an iPhone app for mapping units a combat zone, and for new types of communication, like "friending" other tanks. It'll presumably sell for, like, $50,000 in Apple's military app store, and still earn less than iFart. (Pic)

Condé Nast says it is already racing to repackage its magazines for Apple's forthcoming tablet, starting with Wired, even while toeing Apple's line that the device doesn't exist. Publishers are clearly betting Steve Jobs can save their business model.

The gigantic new Apple store on the Upper West Side will open its doors to the public at 10am tomorrow morning, so if you happen to be in the area and you see a line of people stretching down Broadway, you'll know what they're all there for (as well as how far some people will go for a free Apple t-shirt).

Apple has set a date for the opening of its new outlet on the Upper West Side. The doors of the massive, three-floor store will open to the public a week from tomorrow at 10am sharp. "Until then, forget about sneaking a peek behind the capacious crimson curtain hiding its innards. The Mac-istas have the front door here seriously secured." [Racked]

For all the hype about Apple's reportedly forthcoming tablet computer, there was a time when the company wanted nothing to do with the devices. That time lasted nearly 20 years, starting with this thing, the Pen Mac.

Apple needed music publishers to make the iPod a truly massive hit. Now Apple must work with its natural enemy — the press — to do the same for its forthcoming tablet. How painful.

Bill Keller may have casually mentioned that Apple's not-officially-happening-but-clearly-happening tablet computer is imminent and that the New York Times are working to bring content to it.

Barnes & Noble is making an e-reader; Gizmodo published the first pictures today. With similar media-tech fusions out or anticipated from Amazon.com, Apple, Hearst, Time Inc. and others, it's tough to keep track. No worries; here's a list.

Disney, realizing that its shopping mall outposts are under performing, will soon join forces with Apple to make every visit an "experience." So they're calling on Steve Jobs.

They apparently imagine themselves as the rebel alliance in Star Wars, and Steve Jobs as Darth Vader, these publishers quoted in Ad Age. And they're determined to escape the iTunes Store tractor beam, a gorgeous Apple tablet notwithstanding.

"DVD" Jon Lohansen has been tweaking Apple for years. After breaking the encryption on DVDs, he went on to unscramble Apple's music store files, then its wi-fi media streaming, then virtual locks within the iPhone. Now he's got his own company, doubleTwist, whose mission is to connect non-Apple devices to your iTunes library — the same sort of trick the Apple-baiters over at Palm recently tried and then apparently gave up on.