It's a dark day. The woman who crafted the best assessment of Taylor Swift that has ever been verbalized has made nice with the perpetually perky singer-songwriter. Why, Aretha? Why?

Last week, the never-irrelevant Queen of Soul/Displeased Dowager Who's This Close To Hitting You Over the Head with Her Purse Aretha Franklin made more headlines via a Wall Street Journal interview, in which she was asked to assess some contemporary singers.

I can't recall a public performance more divisive than Aretha Franklin's cover of Adele's "Rolling in the Deep" on the Sept. 29 episode of The Late Show with David Letterman. The conversations I had about it fell into two distinct camps: those who loved and those who hated it. Both were adamant. One person on the latter side suggested that anyone who posted praise of it was just traffic-whoring. One person on the former side jokingly called for a ban on opinions, specifically of those who suggested that Franklin's vocals on the studio version of "Deep" had been sweetened with Auto-tune .

This morning, the Queen of Soul/Surly Auntie of Pop Culture, Aretha Franklin, was beamed via satellite into a dozen or so different local and cable morning shows in a junket to promote her upcoming Aretha Franklin Sings the Great Diva Classics album (featuring her divisive cover of Adele's "Rolling in the Deep"). As a result of the satellite delay, Franklin's faulty earpiece, her lack of sleep, and her general does-not-give-a-fuck-ness, a comedy of errors ensued. Highlights are above.

Audio of the purse-carrying gift from heaven Aretha Franklin's cover of Adele's "Rolling in the Deep" (with a twist of "Ain't No Mountain High Enough") made the rounds on the internet yesterday. Later, she tore the roof off David Letterman's studio when she performed the medley on the Late Show (it's the first release off her upcoming Aretha Franklin Sings The Great Diva Classics album). While her voice has noticably aged and isn't quite as acrobatic as it once was, the woman can still wail. Her pipes remain among our country's greatest natural resources.

Aretha Franklin, queen of all things good as well as my heart, got into an altercation with an employee at a Lewiston, N.Y. Johnny Rockets on Tuesday when she was told she had ordered her burger for takeout and couldn't, therefore, sit in the restaurant and eat it. Wack policy or valid complaint?

This weekend, a News Nerd story with the headline "Patti Labelle Arrested After Fist Fight with Aretha Franklin" made the rounds. As of right now, the post has been shared 1,700 times on Twitter and 41,000 times on Facebook. People gleefully spread the news that these ladies of soul, elegance, and attitude came to blows. Of course, if people thought for a second, "That's ridiculous! I've never heard of the News Nerd. Can I trust this source?" and then checked the site's home page, they would have seen more ridiculous headlines and a disclaimer at the bottom of the screen:

Today is the 72nd birthday of living legend/national treasure/Diva Star Grand Supreme Aretha Franklin. She celebrated this weekend at a star-studded party at New York's Ritz Carlton alongside the trusted companion that is her purse.

Some went through the stages of grief when word emerged that Beyoncé lip-synched "The Star Spangled Banner" at Monday's Presidential Inauguration. Aretha Franklin, the Queen of Soul and Saying Weird Things in Public from Time to Time (remember the Kathie Lee beef of 2012?), however, was tickled by the news and may emulate Beyoncé going forward. Or something. Franklin told ABCNews.com that she thought King Bey "did a beautiful job," adding (and here's the weird part):

No dis-R-E-S-P-E-C-T intended, but Aretha Franklin needs to learn how to be cool at a party. TMZ is reporting that she was both the first guest to arrive at and the first to leave Sarah Jessica Parker's $40,000-a-head Barack Obama fundraising dinner Thursday night.

Reggie Bush texts Kim incessantly, begging her ditch Kris at the altar. George Clooney's female wrestler lover sleeps over. Angelina dodges rioters in London. Ali Lohan is officially more bankable than Lindsay. Wednesday gossip is the one that got away.

Amy Winehouse pulls the plug on her entire concert tour. Chris Brown accidentally tweets a private message for Rihanna. Kanye West hides his girly alcohol preferences. Tuesday gossip says no, no, no.

Today on The Wendy Williams Show, Wendy premiered her Aretha Franklin exclusive. The Queen of Soul talked to the Queen of all Media about her health and even made Wendy tear up when they touched on Whitney Houston's addiction.

Tonight, the 53rd Annual Grammy Awards opened with an Aretha Franklin tribute—featuring Yolanda Adams, Christina Aguilera, Jennifer Hudson, Martina McBride, and Florence Welch—that seemed more like Divas Live than an awards show performance. Then, Aguilera took a tumble!

It's a massacre's-worth of celebrity death hoaxes! Owen Wilson, Adam Sandler, Aretha Franklin and others have been felled by bogus death rumors in the past few days. Let us mourn.

Christina Aguilera says she fell prey to a nefarious computer hacker. Blake Lively and Ryan Gosling seem to be dating. Michael Lohan makes a video of himself getting Botox, because, why not? Thursday gossip has a complicated relationship with fame.

Legendary soul singer Aretha Franklin, who underwent surgery last week, has pancreatic cancer, according to family members.

Justin Bieber toys with the outward indicators of sexual maturity. Jermaine Jackson owes $100,000 in child support. Lady says she didn't boink Eva Longoria's husband. Aretha Franklin goes under the knife. TGIFriday gossip.

Aretha Franklin is amazing—haven't you heard? Case in point: here's a mashup of Franklin's recent appearance on PBS for a fundraiser, put together by fourfour's Rich Juzwiak. Inside, talk of cheesesteaks, Franklin's grandmother, Patti LaBelle, PBS, and more!

Katy Perry pontificates on Google Alert addictions. Laurence Fishburne isn't speaking to his porn star daughter. George Clooney's girlfriend knows you're jealous of her, and she will rub her happiness in your face. Wednesday gossip indulges bad habits.