If one attention-obsessed, desperate mother isn't enough, the Lohan brood is in luck. A Florence, Montana, woman named Kristi Kaufman, 44, has just announced that she had a secret love child with Lindsay Lohan's dad 13 years ago. The newest Lohan, Ashley, is presumably ready for her own Disney show and movies and all the shame and scandal that naturally accompany such misadventures. Update: It's true!

British dandy Sebastian Horsley is an expert on both whoring and crucifixion, so his planned book party Wednesday night was perfectly timed for a city that has been talking about the former and practicing the latter with abandon over the past week. But the Department of Homeland Security apparently failed to grasp the reformed junkie's critical importance to our increasingly debauched economy, so agents detained him at JFK and sent him "back to London on the next plane," according to an emailer. "Apparently the INS guys at JFK knew ALL about Sebastian's ropey past. SH says he has never been arrested for anything (amazing considering his life). This is SH's first (and probably last) visit to the US. HarperCollins are hysterical." It makes sense the publisher would be panicked — about an hour before Horsley's deportation, HarperCollins distributed an invitation to the planned book party. It's reprinted after the jump, where you'll also find a more-relevant-than-ever video excerpt from "The Sebastian Horsley Guide to Whoring."