If you can't stomach reading through another Cary Tennis Salon advice column—and who can, they're ridiculous—we'll summarize today's. A gay writes a long-ass letter (all of Cary's correspondents write long-ass letters; the dude's audience appears to be comprised entirely of damaged hypergraphics) about a male co-worker who registers high on the gaydar but claims to be straight. BUT. He has told the gay that the gay has pretty eyes. What does it all mean? Should the gay see if the "straight" is actually bendy? Cary answers with some bizarre rambling advice that includes an imagined dialogue between "Gaydar Tower" and "tall dark handsome object," which makes us want to kill ourselves and doesn't really answer the question. So we checked in with our own (unsuspecting!) resident agony aunt.

In a blatant bid for "most-emailed" status, the Times has published an article about whether some cars are more homosexual than others. Well, it's a step up from all those "College: Will Your Child Get In, Or Did You Fuck Up Your Life And Hers?" articles! Anyway, "Gay By Design, or a Lifestyle Choice" left some questions unanswered. So we asked them of a Gay.