Kim Kardashian's Paper cover, centered on her bare, oiled-up ass, threatened to break the internet. Well, Chelsea Handler's butt can make threats, too. It's on Instagram right now, threatening to be seen by you.

Researchers at Japan's Advanced Institute of Industrial Technology have invented an intricate butt-scanning system that can tell who is driving a car based on the shape of his or her butt, intrepid future newspaper The Daily reports:

What sort of college woman would turn her body into a walking KFC advertisement by accepting $500 to wear sweatpants with "Double Down" emblazoned on the buttocks? An empowered one!

Rupert Murdoch-owned tabloid newspaper The Sun this week bought the Russian parasailing donkey, Anapka, after video of the animal hit the internet, upsetting many of its readers. "Our readers were deeply moved," correspondent Garry O'Shea told the AP.

During all previous recorded human history, small butts on women were preferred. But now people prefer larger butts on women, according to the crack buttock analysts at the New York Daily News. Again: fat-bottomed girls are attractive, which is new.

To give you an idea how unimaginative American Apparel's latest dubious entreaty for amateur assvertising is, I already had a photo called "AAbutt" saved on my laptop. Anyhow. You could win a grab bag, so enter! Click to enlarge.

ABC News has come up with video purporting to prove that Barack Obama did not lasciviously check out a woman's ass in Rome yesterday. We undertook a Zapruder treatment and determined that he probably did, but had no choice.

94 years ago, liar H.K. McCann launched his NYC ad agency with the slogan "Truth Well Told." That was a big fat lie. Advertising copywriter Copyranter brings you instances of advertising lies and the lying liars who sell them.

Today's Times House & Home section gets to the bottom of the recent innovations in the bidet industry. Seems the fancy ass-washing toilets that clean your foul and constantly feces-soiled buttocks with a high-pressure burst of "well-aimed aerated water," are undergoing some sort of new acceptance in this country. While the evidence provided, numbers-wise, is a bit thin, the piece does offer a somewhat credible rationale for why this non-trend might actually be occurring.

"Queen sang, 'Fat bottomed girls, you made the rockin' world go round' back in 1978. Yet slim-hippedness reigned until hip-hop and rap brought us Sir Mix-a-Lot's seminal music video line 'I like big butts and I can not lie' in 1992, later amplified by Sisqó's 'Thong Song' and Lil' Kim's 'Shake Ya Bum Bum.'" As part of its "Sex Issue," Slate provides a slideshow tracking the role of gigantic asses filled with the kind of important cultural contextualization found above. [Slate]

In a compromise on the great Giant Ass Billboard Conflict of 2007, Toto Washlet [insert beloved Gawker sponsor boilerplate here] has compromised with Times Square Church, the site which was to house the promotion for Toto's fancy new ass-washing machine. Rather than showing naked, smiling asses, the cheeks will be sanitized and covered up by an ass-concealing banner. It's sort of a metaphor for Times Square as a whole, no?

The second-to-top post on full-time celebrity nudity site Egotastic concerns actress Mary Louise Parker and her bareass publicity campaign for the show "Weeds." The post above it? An array of Claire Danes nip slip pictures. That bitch won't even let poor Mary Louise keep the skinflash demographic to herself. Why are you so petty and vindictive, Claire Danes? [Links NSFW if your work doesn't approve of asses or nipples.]

Star magazine editor-at-large Julia Allison sat down with the fine folks from Fox News horror-show "Red Eye" last night and brought her unique expertise to a subject rocking America's public debate right now: ass-grabbing. Turns out a certain celebrity (and thousands of complete nobodies) grabbed Ms. Allison's ample derriere at a recent social event! Who was it? To find out, you'll just have to watch the clip. Or, you know, read the headline above.

State Supreme Court Justice temporarily bars billboard company from putting up those smiling butt ads in Times Sqaure. We guess you'll have to be content with just seeing them on our site. (Please send your NSFW complaints to our ad king Chris Batty at chris@gawker.com). [AdAge]