Who says newspapers are no longer relevant? Look how the A.P. brings you the news you need to know:

• We just can't believe that anyone calling himself "Jacob the Jeweler," who makes his living crafting massive, diamond-encrusted watches and pendants for the good people of the hip-hop industry, would have anything to do with a drug ring called the Black Mafia Family. [TMZ]
• Introducing our new favorite website: Long Awkward Pose. People look stupid when they pose for pictures, but they look even more stupid when they don't know they're being videotaped during their earnest posing. Hilarity ensues. [Long Awkward Pose]
• Markos Moulitsas of Daily Kos thinks Maureen Dowd is a "catty, insecure bitch," which may or may not having something to do with former Wonkette Ana Marie Cox. Crazy fucking redheads. [The Stranger]
• If a sex shop comes to Soho, it has to be luxe. Kiki de Montparnasse fits the bill — and if it's high-end, the celebrities shall flock. Go and watch Lenny Kravitz buy a high-end dildo, it'll change your life. [NY Sun]
• Daniel Klaidman comes to NYC to be the assistant managing fluffer at Newsweek. [FishbowlDC]
• Associated Press management slowly dehydrates its staff to death. [The Slug]
• Bill Gates announces that in two years he'll go part-time at Microsoft and devote his energies full-time to his charity work. Steve Jobs cackles, John Hodgman weeps. [Forbes]

An emailer directed our attention to this "Breaking News" article on the Daily News AP feed:

Reuters, on the other hand, prefers to call him "flamboyant."

No, no, it's a different one. And: Yes, yes, it must suck for her these days.

An Associated Press insider told us a little background on that totally radical asap story we "grooved on" yesterday.

Ever since the Associated Press' Current TV-esque ill-advised new youth-targeted newswire asap — all lowercase, no periods — "dropped," as the hip-poppers say, the results, as you'd expect, have been like the scene in an "urban" comedy in which a middle-aged white character actor talks like Snoop Dogg — equally embarrassing to young, old, black, and white.

It's day two of asap, the AP's new "younger audience service," and we think we now understand it: Younger audiences like brief, totally inconsequential and news-free items on ridiculously overexposed "young" "celebrities."

Actually, we didn't know the Associated Press was just for old people — we've been prematurely curmudgeonly since at least our early teens, so we're maybe not the best example — but apparently it is. How else to explain the need for a new, additional AP service geared toward young readers?

Three men on the bridge were not terrorists, reports the AP. According to the mayor, they were "just three 'stupid' men who were 'sitting around drinking.'''
Security scare closes New York bridge [AP]