Why don't your grandparents like The Office? Possibly because they can't tell when the characters are doing embarrassing, inappropriate things. How do I know? Because scientists made old people watch The Office and recorded their reactions. Of course.

Are you currently manically brushing your hair, plastering a smile on your face and saying that today is going to be better, today you're going to be a whole new person? Well, too bad. Science says you'll never change.

At NBC's TCA press conference yesterday, network co-chairs Ben Silverman and Marc Graboff confirmed their plans to eject Jay Leno from The Tonight Show via jerry-rigged catapult device on May 29, 2009. That gives them only three rushed days to erect a new set and change the dressing room door names from "Kevin Eubanks" to "Masturbating Bear" for the premiere of replacement host, Conan O'Brien. There to press the executives on the questionably motivated decision to fire the highest-rated name in late night (Graboff insisted they'd like to keep Leno at NBC Universal, but give us a break): Leno himself, disguised in a bald wig, goatee, and glasses: