A coffeeshop in San Francisco has just posted a list of rules for patrons wishing to drink coffee in its alley, an exclusive alley available only on weekends or whenever you wander down the alley.

Malia Obama turns 14 this Wednesday, and Barack Obama has declared a United States federal holiday to celebrate the occasion.

Everyone in California has lost their damn minds in advance of the state's foie gras ban that goes into effect this Sunday, July 1st.

"I think that's what the public wants the mayor to do," NYC Mayor Michael Bloomberg told the New York Times yesterday shortly after announcing a proposal to ban sale of sweetened drinks larger than 16 ounces.

If you live in Los Angeles and are a forgetful person, trips to the grocery store are about to get 100 percent more annoying.

Dissent is in the air in America! Even behind bars, the people are rising up against oppression. In Connecticut, prisoners have begun a letter-writing campaign to defend their right to own "pictorial depictions of sexual activity or nudity," otherwise known as Pornographic Magazines. Letters today! Hunger strikes tomorrow!

The ever health-conscious French have placed ketchup on the guillotine and they aren't looking back. The beloved all-American condiment has been banned from school and college cafeterias throughout France, with one very crucial exception: when it accompanies French fries.

Citing his "quest to seek and destroy unnecessary burdens on the freedom and liberties of people," a Republican state legislator has submitted a bill that would repeal Florida's 22-year-old ban on tossing little people for sport at bars. He's doing it for job creation!

As if being separated from their families while they defend their country and having to memorize Britney Spears lyrics weren't stressful enough, Marines serving downrange in Afghanistan can no longer fart loudly anymore. Noisy farts offend Afghans, reports the Marine Corps Times.

People may be having fewer children than ever before, but have you noticed that the ones they are having keep gravitating directly to you — screaming through transatlantic flights, filling their diapers on crowded subways, whipping silverware at your head during romantic meals, etc.? Well, one man has, and he's decided to do something about it. McDain's, a driving range-side eatery in Pennsylvania, has instated a new policy: No more kids under six.

Never let it be said that the persistence of a few crazy fanatics can't change the world: a proposal to ban male circumcision (for minors, only!) has officially been placed on the ballot in San Francisco. They did it, the crazy, crazy, crazy bastards! I guess when you take a step back and see the forest for the trees from 30,000 feet, the real lesson in all this is, "If you want to be assured of the right to have a doctor cut the foreskin off your baby's penis and you live in San Francisco, push that baby out before November or else go to a different city to have the baby, or else go to some back-alley circumcisionist."

Smoking is already banned in New York's restaurants and bars and its parks and public walkways. Now people are trying to ban smoking in your own damn home.

New York's city council just banned smoking in all parks by a vote of 36-12. Signs announcing the ban will be posted within 90 days, says the AP. Now what will shirtless middle-aged dudes do while rollerblading?

Those very gross anti-smoking ads in New York convenience stores have been banned.

The sale of Four Loko — the caffeinated booze of choice for totally awesome college dudes — has been banned in Michigan, and stores have 30 days to remove it from shelves. You can still purchase across state lines, though!

Great news, Chicago! The Supreme Court has struck down your handgun ban. Everyone go buy like ten. And no other state or locality better think about the outright banning of handguns, because this Supreme Court will strike those down too.

The Senate has just passed a sweeping bill that essentially bans light cigarettes, as they're marketed as healthier when, really, they're not. So no more of your favorite iconic brands, which are mostly smoked by the youngs. Brands like:

You've probably heard by now that New York City passed a ban on trans-fats in restaurants today. No more lard-dripping pie crusts or French fries for you, missy!