A recently released study by NYU confirms something that should have been obvious to anyone whose brain hasn’t yet jumped ship waving a white flag: You shouldn’t trust that whatever white, powdery substance you think you’re putting in your body to actually be that substance. A recently released NYU study determined that 40 percent of people who thought they were popping molly—the supposed pure form of ecstasy’s main ingredient, MDMA—actually had unwittingly ingested synthetic cathinones, the active ingredients in bath salts, “and/or” other psychoactive substances new on the market, “intended to mimic the effects of traditional illegal drugs.”

The increasing legality of marijuana means one thing: Pot is very easy to buy and no longer cool to do. To fill this thrill-void, our country's idiots are turning to insane substances like krokodil, bath salts, jenkum, meow meow and now flakka, transforming into psychotic murder machines in the process. Or so local news would have us believe.

It's never a dull day in Florida, our country's most fantastic state. Let's set the scene: It's Monday, January 21, and an unnamed North Fort Myers resident is lying in bed relaxing after a hard day's work. Just after 7 p.m., he hears a noise coming from his roof — he thinks it sounds like thunder. He goes outside to investigate the disturbance, when he sees 21-year-old Gregory Matthew Bruni running on his house. Bruni leaps from the roof, tackling the man. Bruni is naked.

The U.S. Navy has had some recent trouble with bath salt usage among its sailors, so they did what any forward thinking branch of the military would do: They released a bizarre PSA about the drug. According to the video, at least one of the following will occur if you ingest bath salts: 1) you'll vomit, 2) you'll punch your girlfriend while bowling, and 3) your friends will transform into demons before your eyes. Also: you'll only be able to hear dubstep.

It wouldn't be a new year without some media-escalated moral panic over a new and potentially dangerous intoxicant. Except 2012's hazard, a synthetic and cheap legal chemical sold as "bath salts"—varying compositions of mephedrone, methylenedioxypyrovalerone (MDPV), and methylone—did have some fairly harrowing consequences. Users who'd ingested too much recounted super-human strength, feelings of demonic possession, vibrantly nightmarish hallucinations; police reports featuring assailants suspected to be under the influence of bath salts documented rabid-animal behaviors like biting, kicking, and primal viciousness.

Bath salts, as it turns out, are no match for near-octogenarians who spent decades professionally riding bulls, a lesson Charles Smith found out the hard way. When Smith wrecked his truck in League City, Texas, he did what any reasonable person stoned to shit on bath salts would do: He grabbed his rifle and tried to break into a nearby house. Unfortunately, he picked the wrong house.

Another normal night in Gaston County, North Carolina. Pastor Richard Robinson was at home minding his own business and enjoying the Southern summer night when his neighbors came barging in, armed to the teeth and high as shit on bath salts. Spoiler alert: the neighbors did not end up eating Pastor Robinson.

Toxicology experts and law-enforcement officials have questioned the results of toxicology tests which appear to show that Rudy Eugene, the so-called "Causeway Cannibal," had no other drugs besides marijuana in his system the day he attacked elderly homeless man Ronald Poppo on Miami's MacArthur Causeway.

Which dangerous, trendy nightmare drugs was Rudy "Miami Cannibal" Eugue "tripping balls" on when he tried to eat the face of 65-year-old Ronald Poppo in May? Was it "bath salts" — "the new LSD"? Or "Spice," the "synthetic marijuana"? Or was he on LSD, the "old LSD"? Or was it cocaine psychosis? Or was it all of the drugs at once?? Let's look at the coroner's report to find out:

Miami police officers are being warned to proceed with caution "when dealing with the homeless population" following a second drug-fueled "zombie" attack in as many weeks.

A 43-year-old man from Lousiana's Lafayette Parish was arrested over the weekend for attacking an acquaintance in a manner eerily reminicent of the "Miami Zombie" incident that took place last month.

Freddy Sharp knows first-hand what it feels like to lose it on "bath salts."

These two really, unbelievably gruesome photos, allegedly of the Miami man whose face was partially eaten off over Memorial Day weekend, have been circulating around the internet, because the sight of rended flesh is a visceral reminder of the unbearably thin dividing line between life and death, and also because they're really fucking gross.

Did you hear? Teens are getting dangerously drunk by soaking tampons in vodka and shoving them up their butts. Or, wait, are they getting dangerously drunk by drinking Four Loko? Or maybe they're getting dangerously high huffing human poop? Or are they having dangerous sex at Rainbow Parties?

It's getting to be that time of the year, folks! You know what I'm talking about: that time of the year when love and peace fill the atmosphere, the scent of pine and eggnog permeates the air, and 44-year-old men, high on bath salts, walk into your home and put up your Christmas decorations.

Johnny Salazar was arrested in Arizona yesterday after he burned his 5-year-old son's hand and wrist with a lighter thinking he was possessed. Of course he did this because he was on America's favorite gonzo drug, bath salts. When will people cut the bath salts out, already?

Bath salts: Their steady emergence as the designer drug du moment is well-documented. Their powerfully hallucinatory effects on the human brain, legendary. And now, their peddlers have been busted.

We've got a happy update to the most important story of 2011! (You know, the cross-dressing guy who (allegedly) killed his neighbor's goat while high on bath salts.) A charitably-inclined couple bought the victimized family a new goat. Named Trixie!

Police in Charleston, West Virginia, found Mark Thompson wandering around the woods in a bra and panties and covered in the blood of his neighbor's pygmy goat, which he had killed in his bedroom. He had been high on "bath salts" for three days.

A 31-year-old Pennsylvania man high on America's latest drug scourge, snortable bath salts, went on a crazy rampage last month. It started when he ditched his car on the side of the highway and started running because, according to police, "he thought it was melting and electricity was following him."