The producers of Captivity, still reeling from protests about their overly graphic, unauthorized billboards, should gird themselves for a fresh round of outrage from the public. Once it's discovered that their movie contains disturbing images of star Elisha Cuthbert being disembowelled by sadistic bears, they'll likely face protests by PETA, and be forced to fall back once again on the disingenuous explanation that they're just trying to tell an uplifting story of grizzly empowerment.

Nope. Too late. If you don't have plans already, there's no chance you'll end up anywhere tonight that doesn't involve Plan B and a watery Bloody Mary in the morning. If you do have plans, well, they probably mostly suck and/or require trekking to outer Brooklyn. Better start preparing the Monday-morning revisionism now. Ahh, sunny weekend blues! The Internet was supposed to make despondency better, and it has: after the jump, ridiculous things the melancholics on Craigslist will do tonight and tell themselves was fun tomorrow.