If your lock gets cut and your bike disappears in midtown Manhattan, you should call the cops. Not because you need to report the crime—because there's a good chance the cops stole the bike themselves.

Too much Holiday Family Time arousing feelings of hopelessness and despair? Here's a feelgood story to get you through the weekend: a woman who spent much of her life as a paraplegic has just become pro racing cyclist. And she's not even Lance Armstrong's cyborg sister.

The Sperm Bike is a 120-pound, 10-foot bicycle rigged with a sperm-shaped tank of liquid nitrogen and—on business days—vials of human sperm ("pre-babies"). Based on a model used in Copenhagen, Seattle's sperm bike transports its cargo from the Seattle Sperm Bank to fertility clinics. Even though it's motorized, it's still better for the environment than sperm utility vehicles, spermships, and the Spermarine, the sperm-carrying submarines that were so popular in the 1930s.

Back in the aughts, actor and former jeans model Jack Scalia set up charities to benefit both 9/11 victims and military vets. The charities raised some money, but apparently distributed less than they received. Where did all the money go? Scalia doesn't know—he was busy.

Microsoft employees have logged 2,605 days of riding their bikes to work, with an average commute of 19 miles in a day, since the start of the year in a contest sponsored by the Cascade Bicycle Education Foundation for organizations in the greater Seattle area. That's more than twice as many days and three times as many miles as Amazon.com employees, ranked eleventh behind even the lazy slackers who work in Seattle's municipal government and the academic wankers at the state university. How are Valley companies doing?