Greased laughingstock who said the word "nigger" once in the '80s Paula Deen, appeared on this morning's Today show to discuss her return to cookin' programmin'. Throughout her 10-minute chat with Matt Lauer, Deen's faced crapped out smiles with the desperation of a child beauty pageant contestant whose go-go juice had not yet kicked in. Smilin' looked hard, y'all.

Embattled and disgraced butter shill Paula Deen is the gift that keeps on giving, if you consider an uncannily chipper older woman whose face is always an interesting color and who can't quite manage to stop saying shitty things about minorities despite a career-upending scandal tied to her racism a gift. (You do. That's why you're here.)

She hates looking at veins.

Paula Deen's here, y'all. The maybe-racist, maybe-sexist fan-of-antebellum appeared at a Texas cooking show yesterday and cried tears of real butter when the crowd gave her a "10-minute ovation" with "thunderous applause." She then looked straight into a camera lens and declared, "I'm back."

A federal judge in Georgia has just thrown out the claims of racial discrimination filed as part of a $1.2 million lawsuit against gooey butter cake Paula Deen by former employee Lisa Jackson. Good thing they nipped that one in the bud before it exploded into the sky like a magnificent fireball, melting the sugar-windows, liquifying the gumdrop roads, and incinerating the gingerbread infrastructure of Paula Deen's candy kingdom.

The New York Times lobbed a big tub of water at the grease fire of Paula Deen’s career on Thursday, which, as any seasoned chef can tell you, will trigger the eruption of a huge fireball that blackens your ceiling and scorches your homemade grease soup beyond all recognition.

Paula Deen has fired her legal team and replaced them with a lawyer who specializes in employment discrimination cases and corporate diversity consulting. In mostly unrelated news, "Female Force: Paula Deen," a comic book about Deen's life, will be published this fall.

More bad news for the dairy queen: Random House just announced it will not print Paula Deen's upcoming book, Paula Deen’s New Testament: 250 Favorite Recipes, All Lightened Up. Following a flood of pre-orders in the wake of Deen's deposition scandal, the book soared to #1 on Amazon.

In an interview with CNN on the eve of The Carter Center's upcoming human rights forum, former president Jimmy Carter took the opportunity to weigh in about his dear old friend, celebrity racist Paula Deen.

Joining Wal-Mart and several other companies, Target announced on Thursday that it had ended its business deal with Paula Deen. QVC was less definite, saying they had "decided to take a pause" from selling Deen's products.

As it turns out, bizarre tear-filled appearances on morning shows don't go over well with sponsors, especially when your racist past has recently come to light. On Wednesday, hours after her interview on The Today Show, Paula Deen lost three more corporate partners: Caesars Entertainment, Home Depot, and Wal-Mart.

Paula Deen finally sat down on Wednesday for a much anticipated Today interview, after abruptly backing out of a scheduled appearance last week. The result: A lot of tears, one racist punchline, and way too many emotions for 7:30 a.m.

Looks like all of those apology videos didn't work: On Monday, Smithfield Foods, the world's largest pork producer, ended their business relationship with Paula Deen. If the makers of various spiral hams have lost faith in her, it can't be too much longer until her remaining sponsors, including Wal-Mart, follow suit.

According to an NBC affiliate in Birmingham, Alabama, Paula Deen was fried for using racial slurs, not fired, like everyone else is reporting. Of course, it's an easy mistake to make since Deen is so often associated with fried food, though the affiliate gets bonus points for also spelling her name incorrectly.

Food Network has just announced it will not renew Paula Deen's contract when it expires at the end of the month. Some Paula Deen fans cannot believe this, for who among us hasn't fantasized about dressing our employees up like Antebellum slaves at one time or another? Many of them have taken to the channel's Facebook page to express their frothy outrage.

Paula Deen's first vague video apology didn't go over so hot, so she's just released another. This version is more rambling and finds her sitting before a giant tray of make-up—presumably the same make-up that was used to render her skin a fetching shade of burnt sienna for the prequel.

Paula Deen's 45-second "apology" for "mistakes that I've made," was delivered with several cuts and several more halting silences. Here are all of them. There is just as much content in this edit as there is in her original statement.

Rapidly decaying Georgia peach Paula Deen has just posted, removed, and reposted (UPDATE: and removed) a choppy, heavily edited YouTube video statement in which she solemnly begs for forgiveness from "you" (us) (black people?), her children, her team, her fans, and her partners "for the mistakes that I've made."

TMZ has just released a partial transcript of the deposition in which the doyenne of diabetes, celebrity chef Paula Deen, reveals that "of course" she has thrown around racial slurs once or twice in her life. But only when she was talking about a black guy who robbed her. And maybe when repeating something that was said to her. Or maybe when relaying a conversation between black people. Or maybe—Paula Deen doesn't know! Sometimes the N-word just comes up!