We natives of Broward County, Florida, are really good at two things: shopping, and screwing up voting. Oh, and also setting our dogs on fire, then letting the flaming dogs set our spouses on fire, then dumping our flaming dogs in swimming pools and getting on the news.

Is human spontaneous combustion a real thing? Damned if I know. But some coroner in Ireland has just ruled that a 76-year-old man who burned to death in his home died after catching on fire without external provocation, so according to that coroner, the answer is YES.

Visalia, California resident Shamci Rafani is worried about the effect of sex scandals on our society. So she wrote a letter to her local newspaper, the Gannett-owned Visalia Times-Delta, to offer a solution:

Imagine going in for a rather routine dental surgery, and leaving with a foreign accent. That's what happened to Karen Butler after she was put under and had several teeth removed. "I just went to sleep and I woke up and my mouth was all sore and swollen, and I talked funny. And the dentist said, you'll talk normal when the swelling goes down," she told NPR. But she never went back to normal, and now has an accent that's "a combination of British, Irish and Eastern European."

History suggests that Sarah Palin's Bus Army would be stopped and forced into retreat by lamestream media forces at Gettysburg, Pennsylvania, making it her furthest incursion into the Yankee North and the turning point for the larger war effort. But alas, the cowardly reporters have allowed Palin to slip through their lines and continue her march towards the munitions port at Philadelphia.

Jonathan Martis of Omaha was shot by police on Thursday after calling them to his house. His mother says he had been feeling depressed and telling people he wanted to die. But this fact doesn't fully explain why he was dressed up as a pirate.

Newt Gingrich, one of the serious Republican candidates for president, is back on the subject of Muslims this week. He's not just concerned that Muslims proper will co-opt his grandchildren when they come of age. He's worried about a new ultra-breed of Muslims, Atheist Muslims, performing the dirty work. Have you heard of these people? They probably live in cities.

Vietnam vet Louis Garrett of Louisiana, Mo. ("friends know him as Shovelhead because of his love for Harley-Davidson motorcycles with shovelhead engines") has a lot of time on his hands. And in the grand scheme of things, fashioning a quilt out of women's panties is not the worst thing he could be doing with that time. Still, it's pretty strange! Apparently the idea for the panty quilt came from a magazine, which makes us think we've been reading the wrong magazines. Garrett also claims the panty quilt was a natural progression from his mannequin collection, since he had been dressing them up in lingerie. Obviously.

Maryland's legislature is so very, very close to legalizing same-sex marriage. How close? Well, the debate is already at that last-minute choke point where a handful of annoying Democrats nearly screw it up for no real reason!

Elections really do have consequences, just like people keep saying! Take the suddenly super-Republican empire that is Ohio. What would a hypothetical Democratic leadership be doing in that statehouse right now? Probably hiding under their desks, looking for welfare money. Which is much better than what the current real life Republican leadership is doing today: Giving two ladies ultrasounds during a hearing over an anti-abortion bill.

Crucial point to make about Mike Huckabee: He's nuts. A nice guy, sure. But nuts! He has no idea what he's saying at any given point. Only a matter of days ago he was telling the Birther crowd to shut up about Barack Obama's birth certificate, describing it as "nonsense." But then he goes and rambles about Barack Obama's childhood in Kenya! What is even happening with this man?

Instant messaging conversations allegedly written by Emerson Begolly reveal him as anti-Semitic, extreme, armed and dangerous. But they also reveal what he claimed was the genesis of his extremist views: an interaction with a pastor registered as a sex offender.

The government doesn't want Emerson Begolly, the 21-year-old former Penn State student who allegedly bit two FBI agents in the parking lot of a Burger King when they tried to question him about apparent pro-jihad messages he posted online, released.

Sometime nude housekeeper Thomas Cordero is on trial for the murder of paralegal John Conley. Cordero claims he killed Conley in self-defense; Conley, he says, attacked "because I have a nice ass." So hard to find good help these days.

John Wheeler, the defense contractor who served in three Republican presidential administrations and was found dead in a landfill on New Year's Eve, was acting crazy before his death — and may have tried to burn his neighbor's house down.

Colonel David Russell Williams was commander of Canada's largest Air Force base. He was also a bizarrely organized panty thief who "meticulously photographed" his crimes. His illegal proclivities escalated to rape and murder. Today, he pled guilty to 88 charges.

Tired of buying cheerleader costumes for his hookers, Rob Lowe is moving on to bigger and better purchases. Slightly insane purchases, even. TMZ is reporting that the actor and his business partners, some fatcat moguls, are buying indie studio Miramax.

Ronnie Lee Gardner, a convicted murderer, will be executed by firing squad at Utah State Prison, in Draper on June 18th. Barring a final appeal to the State Supreme Court, he will be shot in the heart by four executioners.

"'Fuck you,' [Matt Taibbi] snarled, and then picked up his mug from the table, threw his coffee at me, and stormed out." It would be awesome if the final scene of this new Vanity Fair piece on the history of The Exile was a complex, multi-player joke by Matt Taibbi and Graydon Carter on everyone else in the media. Otherwise it's just bizarre. I mean it would be bizarre if Matt Taibbi were besties with Graydon Carter, but not as bizarre as Matt Taibbi snapping violently because a reporter failed to praise his work. Although maybe he still has the ol' horse semen running through his veins like journalistic fire!
Anyhow the whole story is great, read it all.

Police now believe that Jeff Locker, a distraught motivational speaker beset by debt, drove to East Harlem last July, bought condoms at a bodega, then asked a man named Kenneth Minor to kill him, for his ATM card. Minor obliged.