What did the soldiers in Afghanistan do with those copies of Pinheads and Patriots your dad sent in a care package? They set them on fire.

Many observers have understandably raised concerns for the safety of confidential informants whose identities are revealed in the full, unredacted copy of Wikileaks' State Department cables that was made public this week in a Keystone Kops farce. But the biggest victim of the latest disclosure is Julian Assange, who no longer has a reason to demand your attention.

There is precisely one person on Earth for whom this terrible debt ceiling debate has been a net positive: Erick Erickson, CNN political analyst and blogger at RedState.com! He's used it to portray himself as the most important person in Republican party politics, with his trenchant blog posts. Did you know that House Republicans need his permission to do anything? It's true! Our politics are just that healthy.

On last night's Real Time, Bill Maher said a lot. He made fat jokes about secret-hoarding New Jersey Gov. Chris Christie, compared Michele Bachmann to Sarah Palin, took a final taste of Weiner, and more. But none of that matters, because this clip—which features Maher's joyously jarring 30-second summation of HLN loudmouth Nancy Grace—is the only one worth watching.

When Bill Maher brought up Senator Jon Kyl's intentionally false statement about Planned Parenthood's propensity to perform abortions on last night's Real Time, panelists Ed Schultz and Michael Steele disagreed with each other about the egregiousness of Kyl's fib. It was contentious, yes, but boy oh boy was that just the tip of their shouty iceberg!

This evening's Piers Morgan Tonight featured megachurch pastor Joel Osteen and his Stepford wife Victoria. When Morgan switched the subject to homosexuality, Osteen—declaring it a "sin" and comparing it to an "addiction"—contradicted and offended on multiple levels.

Insufferable talk radio blowhard Laura Ingraham graced Bill O'Reilly with her appearance on tonight's Factor for a chat about President Obama's speech at last night's post-shooting memorial in Tucson, Arizona. Her thoughts? It was a shameless "campaign rally." Watch inside.

Sean Hannity is on vacation this week, so his Fox News show is being hosted by Tucker Carlson. During a discussion tonight about President Obama's controversial defense of Michael Vick, Carlson said that Vick "should have been executed." Watch inside.

Congressman Todd Akin (R-MO) appeared on Fox News today to discuss the DADT repeal. Among other idiotic statements, Akin declared that the repeal was unnecessary because gay soldiers can serve now... as long as their "gayness" doesn't interfere. Watch inside.

As he does every Wednesday, Dennis Miller spoke to Bill O'Reilly on tonight's Factor. And as always, Miller talked mad shiz about people—Julian Assange and Jimmy Carter, tonight—while using as many lame puns as humanly possible. Watch inside.

Democratic swamp-rat strategist James Carville told reporters today that "If Hillary gave up one of her balls and gave it to Obama, he'd have two." Will Obama mock him, like the last time Carville said something along these lines?

Even though we've upped our offer to buy his silence, Donald Trump has yet to shut up. Case in point: his Larry King Live interview tonight, during which Trump played a fear-mongering card and insulted the "Ground Zero Mosque" developer.

Long before Bill O'Reilly was a blowhard conservative commentator, he was a contributor to the Boston Phoenix, an alternative-weekly newspaper. One of his assignments: A profile of porn director Gerard Damiano, of Deepthroat fame. What would the "culture warriors" think!?

This is sadly predictable. Discussing a lawsuit against American Eagle alleging the retailer discriminated against transgender employees, Billo compared trans people to "ewoks," saying they would "scare the customers."

Let the countdown to Olympic sportscaster Mike Milbury's inevitable suspension begin! After tonight's quarterfinal hockey game between Canada and Russia, Milbury had some choice words for the Russian athletes, saying that they "came with their Eurotrash game." Video inside.

This probably won't end well. Following the President's State of the Union address tonight, Chris Matthews took to MSNBC's airwaves to declare that Obama is "post-racial," before stating, "I forgot he was black tonight for an hour." Update: Matthews "clarifies."

The folks at Access Hollywood spent the majority of tonight's episode covering the tragic, untimely death of actress Brittany Murphy. How did they deal with it? By airing segments so ridiculous, they're tragic on their own. Lights! Camera! Shameless!

Tonight, Glenn Beck's crazy train (or plane, per his tweet) made a stop at The Jay Leno Show for a mostly soft-hitting—albeit entertaining—interview, followed by a baking segment. Yes, really. Video of both, and some choice quotes, ahead.

Tonight, we answer the question sure to be on everyone's mind: Is Diddy still an annoying, overgrown baby? Short answer: Yes. Long answer: YESSSSS. Evidence? Watch his freak out when a prospective assistant can't spell a word. Game. Set. Match.

Remember Portfolio? The nearly stillborn Conde publication's fallen editor Joanne Lipman's back, with an editorial for Sunday's Times entitled "The Mismeasure Of Woman," where she argues that feminism's stalled out. Great, except: it's inaccurate, intellectually offensive, and gratingly pompous.