Right in sync with the meltdown of America's subsidized mortgage giants comes still more evidence the nation's vaunted free market is broken: Fox News Channel chief Roger Ailes just took home a $4.5 million performance bonus, bringing his total annual compensation to $20 million. It's true, as Silicon Alley Insider points out, that Fox News retains a wide overall lead over CNN, with 1.5 million viewers per day. But annual bonuses are supposed to reflect performance over the past year, and by that measure this one is a bizarre waste of money.

CNBC's Charlie Gasparino just reported that a Merrill Lynch fixed income research employee, outraged at not receiving a bonus, shit all over the floor. A Merrill Lynch spokesperson claims it was merely "an accident in one of the stalls," though Dealbreaker has a slightly different and more terrifying verion of the story: "The way we first heard it is that a guy took a dump in the rest room, stomped in it, and then dragged it all over the place by walking around with it on his shoes." So it is the Wall Streeters doing that to our bar bathrooms every weekend. More gossipy, disgusting details welcome. [DealBreaker]

Dear all dudes who work at Goldman Sachs: We're in. Let's roll. Seriously, if you're taking home $600K (on average) for Christmas, we are all willing to stay home and tend the plants on the terrace and make you dinner and we don't really care if you're a schlub who thinks therapy is for wusses and you have five asthmatic dachshunds and self-loathing. Fine! Yes you, Steven Schukei, 30, VP of technology—you win New York!

On Friday, CNNMoney.com warned us that some Wall Street employees would be seeing tragic, drastic cuts in their annual bonuses—up to 50% at some mortgage-related firms. Specifically, hard-working bankers at Bear Stearns, Citigroup, and Merrill Lynch were expected to be "hit hard" by all the ridiculously irresponsible lending and related business they've been practicing for the last couple years. But today brought good news for those Heroes of Finance!