Noted dick Buzz Bissinger is confused. Boxing great Sugar Ray Leonard claims in a new memoir that he was molested by a former coach. But Leonard didn't tell Bissinger, the world's greatest sports reporter, first and exclusively. So obviously Leonard is lying.

America's most huggable teddy bear, Dick Cheney, has been working on his memoirs from his CIA-bunker house ever since leaving office. It should have been on bookstore shelves for a year or so by now, former vice president's rather serious heart problems got in the way. But now that's all over! In My Time: A Personal and Political Memoir will hit shelves on August 30, so grab your sleeping bags and head over to the nearest bookstore entrance now.

Something remarkable happened last Friday. A children's book hit the No. 1 spot on Amazon.com's best-seller list. And it did so a month before the book is even slated for release.

Guess whose turn it is now to accept a fat welfare check from the world of conservative publishing imprints? It's Donald Trump's turn, naturally! The skinny-mouthed death hologram has signed on with Regnery Publishing — the folks behind bestsellers from Michelle Malkin, David Limbaugh, Laura Ingraham, and whoever else sucks — for a "policy book," to be written on a crash schedule and released late this summer.

Former Alaskan youth hockey player Levi Johnson, who knocked up Bristol Palin three years ago, was famous for two more years after that, and now is not very famous, has a hot new book comin' out. Deer in the Headlights: My Life in Sarah Palin's Crosshairs will hit stores September 27, and now the cover has been released. Look up and to the right — there it is! Oh, golly. [via Political Wire]

Did you know that Star Jones has a new book out? Yes! It's called Satan's Sisters and it's about five women who co-host a daytime talk show. Oh, no, no, no, it's not about The View. No, really!

Today we heard that the producer of the new Atlas Shrugged Part 1 movie might not make parts two and three because the first one has been such a flop. Good, many of you said, because that book stinks. Or does it? One commenter wanted to know what's actually wrong with Ayn Rand's paean to individualism.

Harry Hurt III (pictured, with pal) used to write a column in the New York Times business section called "Executive Pursuits," in which Harry Hurt went off and did something wacky and upscale and wrote about it. It always struck me as a wholly unnecessary exercise in self-absorption, which had nothing to do with business at all, except for the fact that Harry Hurt is a rich guy. Now, he's back—pioneering the use of advertising and product placement in books. Oh. Good.

In case you missed him on CNN, Fox News Channel, Good Morning America, The View, The Joy Behar Show, The Rachael Ray Show, Dr. Phil, and The Gayle King Show, Dan Abrams has written a new book about how people who don't have penises wash their hands more than people who do have them. As of last week, it had sold 6,169 copies, according to BookScan.

USA Today—America's infographic-est newspaper—is tackling the question that is tormenting the minds of USA Today readers: is that book about the little boy meeting Jesus in Heaven real?

Last weekend, 60 Minutes cast serious doubts on portions of Three Cups of Tea, Greg Mortenson's uplifting memoir of walking around Afghanistan and Pakistan and building schools. Mortenson has found a friendlier news outlet to which to proclaim his innocence.

Walter Isaacson's authorized biography of Steve Jobs is coming out early next year, indicating Isaacson's interviews with the Apple CEO and his family are close to completion. It's a testament to former Time Inc. CEO Isaacson's interpersonal skills that he's managed to pry into Jobs' life for more than a year now without alienating the notoriously feisty and secretive Apple founder.

Convicted Ponzi schemer Bernie Madoff has a lot of time to kill in jail. So what does he do? Well, for one thing, give jailhouse interviews—such as this most recent one to the Financial Times—where he can rail about the banks he believes (more or less accurately, in our estimation) were complicit in his scheme. But also: Keep up with his mail (of which he gets "lots," all from "well-wishers"); work at the prison commissary ("10 a.m. to 7 p.m., four days a week"); and, apparently, work on "ethics courses," for which he's been solicited by "several business schools," including Harvard and Northwestern. Oh, and also, read:

Have you read Misconception, a page-turner of a "reproductive thriller," self-published by fertility specialist Dr. Avner Hershlag? Well, you might want to jump on that baby now, before a major publisher buys it and hikes up the price considerably. That's because Hershlag — who happens to be the dad of Natalie Portman — has been shopping the book around.

Libraries: who needs them? We all have our very own libraries by the name of "The Internet" at our fingertips now, and these libraries include porn. So what can old public libraries do to keep up? First, toss those books.

One of the all-time Top Five, or really Top One, Barack Obama conspiracy theories is back in the news! Did you know that Barack Obama's terrorist friend, former Weather Underground member Bill Ayers, secretly ghostwrote the president's memoir, Dreams From My Father? This story has been around for several years and still comically emerges from time to time, like right now. The wingnuts have caught Ayers "admitting" that he wrote Barack Obama's book, again, when he was clearly making fun of them for ever believing something so stupid.

Former CIA operative Valerie Plame Wilson — whose identity was illegally publicized by right wing columnist Robert Novak via Scooter Libby and (most likely) Dick Cheney, among others — is starting a series of female spy novels. She spoke to the Times about what it's really like to be a woman in the world of espionage. Hint: Hollywood is full of shit!

Crimson-hued book retailer Borders went bankrupt a month ago, after many long months of financial decline. It's cause people don't buy stuff at book stores any more, you see.

It had been a little while since 60 Minutes had graced us with a show-ending Andy Rooney segment, but tonight, everyone's favorite senile curmudgeon was back—and complaining about something, naturally. Tonight's victim? The confusing, evil, soul-destroying e-book!

Now that Borders is dying, book publishers are collectively asking themselves, "Huh, where do we sell all these stupid books, now?" I mean Barnes & Noble is okay and all, but it's gonna take more shelf space than that to show off all those fancy attractive book covers designed to make people forget they could be buying this copy much cheaper used, on Ebay. The solution? Placing books in every kind of store, anywhere, that sells anything at all.