Dustin Diamond, who played the lovable Screech on the most baffling teen show of all time, Saved By the Bell, is writing a tell-all book about his thirteen years on the show. (He's already parlayed his C-list fame into a C-list sex tape.) He'll detail the sex and drugs that went on behind the scenes with castmates—noted thespians such as Mario Lopez, Elizabeth Berkeley, and Tiffani Amber-Thiessen. It will be called Behind the Bell. It will have a ghostwriter. [via Vulture] To refresh your memory, one of Screech's greatest soliloquies after the jump.

Upper West Side writer Lee Israel, who was briefly house-arrested in 1992 after she was convicted of forging and selling letters from over 400 famous names (Noel Coward, Dorothy Parker) is writing a tell-all book. [P6; NYT]

There's something about organizing social events over the internet that encourages people — everyone, really — to try a little too hard to impress. This is why Evite pages are filled not only with RSVPs but also with in-jokes, double entendres and various other self-conscious displays of wit. And why so many emailed party invitations take three long paragraphs to get to the point! To make sure you never waste another minute being cute like that in a damned internet invite, have a look at this phenomenon in extreme form: Emails in which n+1 staffers, along with other highfalutin types (from the New Yorker, Council On Foreign Relations, Paris Review and so forth), are told "hey let's meet at the bar" in the insanely obtuse manner they surely prefer. Harper's editor Christian Lorentzen is apparently the one who writes these things, but Jess Roy could no doubt use the emails to spin yet another indictment of the greatest literary cabal of our era, etc. — without even leaving the house! We've reprinted a couple, via Daily Intelligencer, after the jump.

We knew the 61-year-old five-times-divorced romance novelist was prolific, but we didn't realize that she just published her seventh-fifth book! She writes them all on a 1964 Olympia manual typewriter, helps the homeless, and as for critics: "It's very simple. I haven't read them in years. My feelings get very hurt when people say mean things about me. The trouble I find is that they don't just criticize the book — they then get nasty personally." [CNN via Young Manhattanite]

British authors go on camera to confess the classic books they're embarrassed to have never read. Middlemarch? Wuthering Heights?! [Telegraph]

With the publication of his newest book, How Fiction Works, James Woods has found himself the recipient of praise that struggles to contain itself. Frank Kermode in TNR compared it favorably ("a much more substantial study") to E.M. Forster's Aspects of the Novel. Gideon Lewis-Kraus in the L.A. Times panted through a Best in Show allegory about whether it was proper or paltry to call Wood our finest literary critic before deciding, at the end of his review, that that's just what he is. And today Judith Shulevitz in Slate sort of likens Wood to Dr. Spock because his treatment of literature reminds her of the advice given by a nurturing but authoritative parenting mentor (Emily Bazelon must have edited that piece). Yes, James Wood is very good indeed, but isn't this collective gush somewhat unexpected for a critic so long and notoriously associated with the New Republic school of moralizing discouragement? Either it's a testament to his unignorable genius or to the fear with which most other reviewers regard him that he's been pan-fellated in the press.

We told you about the run on bookstores after Sex and the City came out, in search for the book that Big buys Carrie (or whatever)—Love Letters of Great Men. (The book didn't exist; it was only a movie prop.) But it was only a matter of time before some enterprising soul turned it into a real book. Soon you will be able buy it—Pan MacMillan will publish it in Britain. [Entertainment Weekly]

Ron Paul, the former presidential candidate and gold-lovin', sallow lady doctor, has just got a well remunerated go-ahead by Grand Central Publishing to write a book called The Revolution: A Memoir. A sequel to his New York Times number-one bestseller The Revolution: A Manifesto, and very likely a precursor to Paulismo: Year Zero, the book will teach legions of libertarians how to make napalm out of the tears of neoconservatives and also recount the Texas congressman's "career in politics, revealing his encounters with the major political figures over the last thirty years, and those events that shaped him and made him the man and politician he is." Another hit.

And here we were, just complaining that two-line blog comments are king and nobody writes letters to the editor anymore. Looks like the art of letter-writing isn't completely lost—prisoners, Nazi sympathizers, and cranky olds of the world proudly carry on this tradition. Via Cajun Boy, an excerpt from a four-page, handwritten letter to a publishing house, written by "a German woman and proud of it" who says "Adolf Hilter was super cool and women liked him." (The letter—or is it performance art?—was in response to the book The Nazis and the Occult.)

New York Times publisher and genial buffoon Arthur "Pinch" Sulzberger is not worried about how his newspaper's circulation sucks and the share price is at a historic low. You know why? Because Craig Newmark, the guy who invented Cragslist and destroyed the newspaper revenue stream, just got a Times subscription! So hey, no worries, Times staffers. If there's one thing Pinch has learned since he took over as publisher 16 years ago, it's to always mention the moose in the room. But not to bring an actual moose with him anymore.

A memoir worth reading? Imagine that! New York Times media reporter David Carr's Night of the Gun comes out next month, and it's been treated to a nice nine-page excerpt in today's NYT Magazine. After detailing how he became a crack addict and how his dealer/girlfriend prematurely gave birth to his twin daughters (which you should totally read) he tackles the question of memoirs, which have been so sorely tarnished in the last few years.

Here's New York Times culture reporter David Carr, pictured with his rehab group in 1988. (We told you about him earlier this morning.) His forthcoming book, The Night of the Gun, re-creates his crack-shooting past through interviewing people—he's admitted that memories, especially his, cannot always be relied on. Thus, we are treated to a history of mugshots, medical records, and awesome rejection letters from the New Yorker. "There I was, less than a year sober, pitching my tale of woe," Carr writes in the book about this 1989 pitch for his cocaine-addiction story. (We scanned it; click to see.)

Ladies and gentlemen, the proud new owner of the FSU Middlebrow Remix Version of Keith Gessen's All The Sad Young Literary Men is Andrew Krucoff-the former "Gawker Mascot" once fired by Conde Nast for leaking to this website. He was also recently called a "pussy" by the author in question, Keith Gessen! You can see the circle of life turning, turning. So what will become of this coveted and (we daresay) historic volume? All can now be revealed:

How does David Carr pull this off? The Times media critic writes in his forthcoming memoir of drug addiction that he kidnapped his children, smacked around his girlfriends and left two babies in a near-freezing car on the street for hours while he got high. This in addition to dealing drugs and fathering crack babies, which we already knew about. It's all in his book excerpt from next Sunday's Times Magazine. And yet, after reading the account, it's remarkably hard to detest the guy.

"It is, unfortunately, not enough to be honest in this city," writes 20-year-old NYU student Jess Roy on her blog Jess and Josh Talk About Stuff. Meet Jess: she wants to make it in the New York media jungle, went to some annoying-sounding literary parties, and is now escaping to Paris for a few months. And she's feisty! "I will not give blowjobs for bylines. I will not laugh at peoples' unfunny jokes because I want them to be impressed by me. I will not become someone else so that I can be absorbed into this elite, nefarious world where people trade intellect like currency." Oh, but there's more, written for the Daily Intel. After the jump, a harrowing tale that includes "n+1 interns, underage Lolitas in slutty dresses... sucking lollipops and carrying six-packs of Blue Moon."

Bottled water is a bit like smoking: deep down, we all knew there was something wrong with it from day one. Environmentalism has been a widespread subject in our public consciousness for more than 30 years now. Did anyone really believe that getting our water out of 16-ounce plastic bottles would be an efficient long-term solution for humanity? Despite that, the bottled water industry has done an admirable job using sly marketing magic to make us all feel like chemical-ridden cheapskates for drinking out of the tap. And a new book called Bottlemania breaks down the corporate spin techniques in a straightforward way that already has me drinking exclusively out of the toilet:

When the book for the Stuff White People Like blog was sold for a reported $300,000, everyone laughed and cried and wondered how the rushed-to-print blog-to-book would do on the open market. Answer: New York Times bestseller. [Portfolio's Mixed Media]

Writers who blurb a ton of their friends' (or acquaintances') books are known as "blurb whores." That's not necessarily a bad thing! But every time you blurb a book ("Outstanding! Brilliant! A tour-de-force.") you should definitely change the wording around—or change the actual words! This makes it look like you've read the book. Arianna Huffington of the HuffPo forgot to do this, as Portfolio's Mixed Media points out. The phrase that was so nice she used it twice? "Fierce, funny, disturbing.... ultimately uplifting."

Pitchfork, that repository of often-snobby, (sexually frustrated?) passive-aggressive music reviews (by many dudes named Mark!) has just sold a book. It will be "a paperback guide to the 500 best songs released since 1977," reports the Observer. It will be the most important book about music ever.

The Keith Gessen FSU Middlebrow Remix copy of All The Sad Young Literary Men has been sold for $890, to a very appropriate buyer. The money will be donated to the Homeless Coalition. May this act of charity redeem our souls. [Previously]