Topless drawler Matthew Mcconaughey is now the “creative director” for Wild Turkey bourbon, producing this ad in which he declares, “I found a story here in Wild Turkey.” Now see if you can tell it without talking, man.

The greatest whiskey heist of the past 25 years—or at least the greatest whiskey heist of the past 25 years I am thinking of right now—may have been solved: On Tuesday, a Franklin County, Kentucky, grand jury indicted nine people in connection with the theft of at least $100,000 worth of bourbon, including 65 cases of the rare and highly valued Pappy Van Winkle’s Family Reserve.

Bourbon: no longer the drink of choice for just wild west gunslingers and Southern gentlemen. According to a report in the Associated Press, bourbon is the current de rigueur drink for Americans (and drinkers abroad), causing a boom in sales for bourbon distilleries in the billions of dollars a year.

Last night, during Mad Men, a bourbon company called Woodford Reserve premiered a national commercial, baffling the entire nation.

Kentucky police are expending resources and rewards to try to find the thieves who took $26,000 worth of rare bourbon and rye from a distillery in October.

Julian Proctor Van Winkle III and his son Julian Preston Van Winkle are the proprietors of Kentucky's Old Rip Van Winkle Distillery, and they make the best bourbon in the world at a rate of roughly 7,000 cases per year. Which is why you can't find any of it, anywhere. Sighting a bottle of the 20-year-old Pappy Van Winkle's Family Reserve, which retails at $130, in a liquor store is like spotting a Scaly-Sided Merganser in the wild. The Van Winkles are personally beset by desperate high-class drunks seeking an in. Personal assistants have wasted days trying to track down bottles for well-heeled bosses. Pappy is furtively deployed to seal multi-million-dollar business deals. Leads are whispered about among aficionados: "I heard about a warehouse in Jersey that just got a shipment."

Drinkers are apparently weary of all the fancy-pants cocktails filled with tinctures and obscure violet-based liquors. The kids these days are, apparently, enjoying a shot of whisky followed by a shot of pickle brine.

And we have a winner. Ya know, if we knew you people would do this kind of thing for us, we never would have looked for another job in the first place.