It’s safe, at this point, to say that presidential candidate and human Kewpie doll Donald Trump is not a fan of Mexico or its people. But surely he has some begrudging respect—or even admiration—for women with functioning breasts? It might surprise you to learn—or maybe it won’t—but he’s not a fan of those either.

In a sad and shocking indication of our society's decline, a new research paper claims that something as simple as human breast milk purchased on the internet (of all places!) might not always be as advertised.

"Suddenly I stopped producing breast milk, so now I collect breast milk from my friends," explained Apple Melecia on last night's TLC special Extreme Cheapskates: Guide To Love. Extreme Cheapskates is a show about people who do all manner of insane and/or disgusting things for the sake of saving some coins and delighting in others' disgust. For the cameras, Apple also proudly made her own baby wipes with a roll of paper towels and dish detergent (that she would reuse), shopped for lingerie in a thrift store, and asked a beautician to put used extensions on her head since they were just going to be thrown out anyway.

There are legitimate reasons to store breast milk in the office fridge, but it's hard to think of a plausible excuse for dumping the rest of the regular milk into your coffee and then replacing it with milk from your own body.

In a startling discovery that upends conventional parenting wisdom, the journal Pediatrics is reporting today that if you purchase breast milk from various strangers over the Internet to feed your baby, that milk may be contaminated with bacteria. The article abstract explains:

If you're looking for a candy to remind you of (very early) childhood or if you're just into weird foods, here you go: A Texas-based candy company released a breast-milk-flavored lollipop on Monday night.

Controversial Dutch TV personality Paul de Leeuw shocked some viewers of his primetime family program last week when he turned down an offer to drink mother's milk from a bottle — opting instead to drink it directly from the breast of a female guest.

Police in Delaware, Ohio, were called to the Bridgewater Banquet & Conference Center early Saturday morning to handle a domestic violence call. What they found was Stephanie Robinette, 30, a charter-school teacher, who, while attending a wedding at the center, had "gotten drunk and struck [her husband] several times before locking herself in a car." Here is how Delaware County Sheriff Walter L. Davis III describes what happened:

Lady Gaga is suing The Icecreamists, makers of the breast milk-flavored ice cream called Baby Gaga, for trademark infringement. She calls the dessert "nausea-inducing." We can't disagree, but didn't she take the "Gaga" from a Queen song anyway?

It's pure! It's organic! It's free range! Breast Milk Ice Cream is all the rage at The Icecreamists parlor in Covent Garden. The owner seems to be appalled on how anyone can find the initial thought of this disgusting.

An ice cream shop in London has sold out of its "Baby Gaga" flavor, which is made with vanilla pods, lemon zest, and human breast milk purchased from a local mother. I love ice cream, but... no.

A London ice cream parlor called "Icecreamists" has introduced a "pure, organic, free-range and totally natural" new flavor: Breast milk. Well, actually, the flavor is a kind of lemon-vanilla, but the cream is made from breast milk. Human breast milk!

Sex pervs are clamoring to "get a lick of the most vile substance ever fabricated," ejaculates Andrea Peyser in her sex column today. That substance: breast milk cheese. Andrea Peyser does not dream of suckling its tender surface, okay?

Yesterday, Lori Mason won plaudits from kinky sex freaks far and wide for allowing her chef husband to make cheese from her breast milk. Alas! Now comes a food critic to dispel your dreams of tasty human bosom curd.

Apologies in advance if you're eating: the proprietor of NYC brasserie Klee has been making cheese made from his wife's breast milk. Good Day NY has the stomach-churning interview.

Lori Mason, whose chef husband is currently serving cheese made of her breast milk, has declined requests from strangers to sample her milk, saying "I'm not here to walk people through their psychological problems." Guess what the NEXT SENTENCE is?

"A nursing mother offered me a taste of her pre-pumped breast milk, and I took her up on it," announces David Sedaris, to a reporter. [NYT]

Did you watch the premiere, on Wednesday night, of the newest iteration of Tyra Banks' hop hop hopping mad clusterfuck America's Next Top Model? You didn't??? You mean you didn't see where the girl talks about drinking her own breast milk or when one lady asks another lady who was circumcised at the age of seven back in Somalia if she "feels like less of a woman"? Well, I'd like to say I didn't either, but sadly, I was coerced. It being the most hideous show ever created, Top Model does warrant some attention, but not too much. Like, don't actually watch it or anything. Instead watch the provided clip, after the jump. It's long, but it's the only nine minutes and twenty five seconds of this show you will ever need to subject yourself to. Oh, and there's a lap dance!