A teaser trailer for Live Free Or Die Hard intended to premiere in front of Eragon and Pursuit of Happyness today was "accidentally" leaked online yesterday afternoon by Yahoo! (the offending page was quickly pulled), a completely unorchestrated error that resulted in the clip's immediate proliferation on the YouTubes. (Egads! What will the studio do to counteract the publicity disaster represented by a fully finished movie commercial getting out 15 hours early? Heads will roll!) At the risk of becoming party to Fox's transparent ploy to build buzz for the resurrection of its moribund "desperate guy fighting terrorists all by himself" franchise, we present the teaser, in which so much shit blows up and so many cars are launched through the air in a single minute (without a hint of plot) that we wouldn't have been surprised to see the words "A BRETT RATNER FILM" pass across the screen.

Other blogs are much better equipped to keep you informed regarding the coming traffic Apocalypse about to swallow any unfortunate soul wretched enough to have to drive anywhere near LAX, courtesy of your friends at 20th Century Fox's insistence that Live Free or Die Hard be filmed on an authentic stretch of Los Angeles freeway. We can, however, pass along a tiny bit of good news for those who find themselves stuck in a seemingly endless traffic jam: They might hear some shit blow up in the distance and momentarily trick themselves into thinking that the strength of their hate has willed into existence one of their gruesome revenge fantasies involving Bruce Willis and some poorly timed pyrotechnics:

• Lindsay Lohan pays her fifth visit to the ER this year, having fractured her wrist in two places after slipping and falling in her Chanel boots. So much for being Karl Lagerfeld's BFF. [Us Weekly]
• Mel Gibson emerges to walk his only daughter down the aisle. If she'd married a Jew, however, he'd just have stayed home. [TMZ]
• Alec Baldwin tells GQ that ex-wife Kim Basinger's unkind words about him were so awful, he wanted to die. Calling the guy Saddam Hussein really cuts to the quick. [Page Six]
• A second autopsy is still inconclusive about the cause of death for Anna Nicole Smith's late son, Daniel. He was taking anti-depressants (wouldn't you?), though there's nothing to indicate a suicidal overdose. [R&M (bottom)]
• Bruce Willis will say just about anything so that you don't call him a Republican. [Lowdown]
• Mary-Kate Olsen protects her mystery dirtbag boyfriend from the Richards sisters' vaginas by aggressively sucking face at Bungalow. [Page Six]

As the world contemplates the contents of the highly compromising snapshots that managed to convince the Oceans 13's cast to grace Scott Caan's recent 30th birthday party/photography exhibition with their exalted, A-list presence, tales of its top-tier celebrity hijinks continue to trickle down to the masses. After Friday's news of Angelina Jolie's estranged-parent-avoiding, SUV sit-in, comes this NY Daily News report, in which the rascally George Clooney hatches a plot to further erode any sense of authority replaced dad-unit Bruce Willis might feel he still wields over his own children:

We're not sure what it is about Sunday newspaper insert PARADE magazine that gets big stars to share some of the most personal aspects of their lives—perhaps they feel the open-door policy of the Ask Marilyn column offers an emotional safe zone not available from more "prestigious" media outlets—but in this week's cover story, Ashton Kutcher gushes about his note-perfect marriage to Demi Moore, his unconditional adoration of his three stepsistersdaughters, and his tight, if slightly strained, rapport with their dad, Bruce Willis:

• Guyz Nite [Guyznite.com]

It's already been a big day for erstwhile international megastar Bruce Willis, as Fox has announced that the fourth installment of the long-dormant Die Hard franchise, Live Free or Die Hard, will open over the Fourth of July holiday weekend in 2007, momentarily releasing Willis from his recent career purgatory of endlessly circling the globe and pretending to enjoy hugging sweaty men in rented raccoon suits. But in less happy news, TMZ.com reports that Willis has filed suit against a childhood friend whom he had hired as a full-time scrapbooker (come on, anyone who's anyone in Hollywood has one), but whom allegedly repaid the actor's generosity by absconding with some of Willis' photographed and videotaped memories, peddling an unflattering book full of "falsehoods and lies" about Willis to publishers, and extorting him with his cynical aspirations of being a tell-all author. The story offers no hint as to what these lies might be, but one can only hope they contain clues to unlocking the mystery of why Willis bought boybandish singer Aaron Carter $1 million in gifts, or, at the very least, where he had Cybill Shepherd's body buried after the wrap party for Moonlighting. We are genuinely sad for Willis, for no faded star should have to have the happy occasion of the announcement of his desperation comeback vehicle marred by the ugliness of a personal lawsuit made public.

• Vadim Perelman, the director of Uma Thurman's next film, In Bloom, has been arrested in Connecticut on sexual assault charges — but Thurman's not blinking. A paycheck is a paycheck, even if the stub is covered in bodily fluids. [Page Six]
• Christie Brinkley continues to endear herself to the press, giving pink lemonade, water and cookies to the reporters camped outside her Hamptons home. Of course, she had her assistant actually hand out the treats — Christie isn't going to go out in this weather. [NYDN]
• If and when Cuba becomes free, expect every boutique hotelier to head down there and ruin the place. [R&M]
• If you suggest that Star Jones and Al Reynolds are getting a divorce, bitch will sue you within an inch of your life. [Page Six]
• Bruce Willis is claiming a childhood friend is shaking down the actor for $100K and a car. That's it? Jared Paul Stern shakes his head in disappointment. [TMZ]

· Pictured: At the Paris premiere of Over the Hedge, Bruce Willis was initially relieved that photographers finally wanted him to pose with a co-star other than the raccoon, but quickly became uneasy when a publicist explained to him that the French fans assembled at the event were demanding that he receive a handjob from Verne the turtle. Always the consummate pro, Willis gritted his teeth and submitted to a brief, yet vigorous, manual stimulation.
· We're all for the still-hot Sophia Loren getting naked, but a couple of old ladies taking off their clothes does not constitute a "mature pin-ups" trend.
· Jeremy Piven wants no part of your blunt, young punk, unless it contains some weed.
· If you ever think of giving us a gift, a Tom Cruise bobblecouch would be kind of perfect. Yes, that's a hint.

A scandalized reader supplies us with yet another shocking tale of an actor using his elevated status as Famous Person to secure preferential seating in a packed theater at the AMC Century City 15 multiplex. This time, professional raccoon escort Bruce Willis was the individual availing himself of the venue's "velvet tape" seat-saving amenities:

When an actor signs his first fame contract and gleefully accepts the three-hundred blows with an oak paddle that officially initiates him into the brotherhood, no one tells him that in the twilight of his career, weeks of his life will be spent travelling the world to hug a smelly, non-union schlub in a raccoon costume, and that each embrace must seem like the first, joyous clench of fading star and enormous woodland creature.

In a courageous legal action that may once and for all deliver the famous from being preyed upon by opportunistic paparazzi loitering outside trendy La Cienega starfucker eateries, Bruce Willis is suing the photographer who claimed the actor "stiff-armed" him on his way inside Koi on June 13. Anthony Goodrich, the paparazzo in question, offered a videotaped testimonial of his version of the events to TMZ.com. Days later, video of the actual event surfaced, revealing the "stiff-arming" to be more of an "accidental arm brushing," followed by a profuse apology from Willis. The suit, available on The Smoking Gun, claims Willis "merely raised his hands to shield his eyes from the flash of the cameras of the stalker-paparazzi," that Goodrich's claims were "false and defamatory," and that Willis is seeking damages in the amount of "no less than One Million Dollars." Or, in paparazzi terms, two clear pictures of proud daddy Brad Pitt dipping the Chosen One's footsies in the Pacific Ocean, or one photo of Teri Hatcher caught mid-bite in the act of cannibalism.

Hollywood PrivacyWatch celebrity sightings are submitted by our readers. Send yours to tips[AT]defamer.com (please put "sighting" or "PrivacyWatch" in the subject line) and let everyone know about the time you saw Bruce Willis accidentally tumble into a wormhole and pop out in 1985.

• Bruce Willis in a Japanese Energy Drink Ad [Japander/YouTube via Jossip]

Colombia's president can order its army to stand down, as onetime action hero/hotheaded drug czar Bruce Willis has called off a US attack of the South American nation to cripple the illegal cocaine trade. He tells Rush & Molloy:

• Bruce Willis settles conflict between U.S. and Colombia, tells our troops to stand down. [R&M]
• Peggy Siegal gets whisked about the country via private jet while Liz Smith must suffer the indignities of airport security. Truly, there is no justice in this world.[Liz Smith]
• If you want to read an item that features both "Sting" and "fantasy sex parties," go ahead. We won't judge you. Although we're pretty sure God will.. [Page Six]
• Britney Spears is probably not pregnant, based on the logic that she was seen drinking a Cosmo. And we all know how responsible a mom she is. [R&M (2nd item)]
• Is Howard Stern's hair real? Is your life so empty that this is actually a question that concerns you? If you're Lloyd Grove, the answers are no and yes, respectively. [Lowdown]

· Sean Connery's pretty active for an old dude, not even letting a little tumor removal stop him from suing a country club for about half a million bucks.
Philosopher-queen Lindsay Lohan on coitus: "Sleeping around is not something that interests me, but the act of love is an amazing thing, It's groovy. You've gotta have some fun and let those emotions out." And should those emotions need to come out in a bathroom stall at Mood, so be it.
If you think we're bent out of shape about Crash, wait until you read what Brokeback source material author Annie Proulx has to say about the film's robbery. Warning: Bile may actually shoot out of your monitor and stain your work clothes.
Colombia's ambassador to the United States isn't too thrilled with anti-cocaine crusader Bruce Willis' invasion plan.
· Maureen Stapleton may have passed, but she'll always be Johnny Dangerously's mom to us.

· The best part about actors having to give so many interviews to promote their just-released movies is that the likelihood of them saying stupid things greatly increases, giving us priceless moments like Bruce Willis proposing that we invade Colombia to stop the cocaine trade. Thank you, 16 Blocks!
British tabloids: Stop trying to attach your second-rate tabloid skanks to our Scientology war brides. Thank you.
· Hey, furry lobster!
· If this picture of Sharon Stone doesn't chill you to the bone, you are a) visually impaired, or b) don't have any bones.
Vin Diesel only deploys the kryptonics when the showtunes fail. [last item]
Thighs Wide Shut turned two years young today. Stop by and share some cake.

• Bruce Willis, who seems to think he's an expert on everything these days, likens the Colombian drug trade to terrorism. Put your nose where your mouth is, homeboy. [Scoop]

• Uma Thurman and petit hotelier Andre Balazs have parted ways; no more free rooms at the Mercer for her, we're afraid. Like she cares. [Page Six]

• In a display at their Barneys boutique, stationery company Mrs. John L. Strong is showing off actual stationery from A-list clients, including the addresses of Ann Curry, Lauren DuPont, and the Osbournes. Money can't buy class, but it can sell you out. [Lowdown]

• A Boston restuarant refuses to serve alcohol to teen actress Amanda Bynes. Poor Bynes; if only she had remembered to wear her Lohan costume, she could've gotten suitably wasted. [Page Six]

• Now that Millenium owns Reebok Sports Club/NY, only the prettiest employees are visible to customers. It ensures better weight loss results, really. [R&M]

The Smoking Gun has gotten its hands on a host of budgets from M. Night Shyamalan's gotcha! ouevre, and despite the fact that we know movies are too expensive and stars are wildly overpaid and spoiled, we're still amused and appalled anew by Bruce Willis' $1.5 million package: