Last week, three tourists watching a staged "Old West"-style gunfight in the South Dakota tourist town of Hill City were shot. Like, actually shot! One of those victims was Carrol Knutson, a visitor from Minnesota. And if there's one thing Carrol Knutson knows, it's this: she was shot by a god damn bullet. "Hospital staff told her a bullet shattered her fibula," for one thing. So she just, you know, came to that conclusion. Whoa there, little lady!

What's the most efficient way to dislodge a bullet stuck in your head? By sneezing it out, of course! Which is exactly what one Italian man did over New Year's.

You know those stories about soldiers who carry bullet-stopping Bibles in their breast pockets? A guy in Harlem got shot today, but the cellphone in his pocket stopped the bullet. Maybe God found out that we call phones "Jesus" now?

A Polish man was shot in the head five years ago. Only, he was really drunk, and didn't realize until doctors X-rayed him. This year. Think back to all the times you've been drunk: Have you maybe been shot before?

Healthy bullets! Healthy gay blood! Healthy weed! Healthy ticks! Healthy yoga! Healthy ketamine! Healthy magazines! And completely unhealthy sperm of the deceased! It's your Tuesday Health Watch, where we watch your health—but not that closely, that's gross!

After Eric Cantor is done apologizing for lying about his office being shot at, he should probably do something to address the gun problem in his district—which is apparently so bad that bullets are raining from the sky.