According to research from the Calorie Control Council, the typical Thanksgiving meal weighs in at about 4,500 calories and 229 grams of fat. Might as well add a few more glasses of wine to make it an even 5,000 calories.

Take a long, deep breath and look out on the bountiful expanse, for we are at the top of this roller-coaster ride we call America. Our apex comes in the form of the Krispy Kreme Sloppy Joe, and though our swift decline will accompany a deep rumble in our bowels, we should have no regrets. This is what we were always meant for.

A new study has found that Americans are absolutely terrible— I mean way, way off— when it comes to estimating how many calories are in their fast "food" meals. It's probably better that way.

Abortion bans! Mouse hemophilia! Diabetes growth! Botox alternative! HIV testing! Undercover patients! Drug warnings! Weight loss! And having AIDS just got a little harder! It's your Monday Health Watch, where we watch your health—dangerously!

Gorillas are so much like us! Not in the sense that they're magical creatures filled with empathy and understanding or whatever; in the sense that the ones who live in the U.S. are fat-asses dying of heart disease who love to throw up eat their own vomit in order "to taste sugar again and again." Really! Heart disease is the number-one killer among the type of gorillas that live in the U.S., and zoo gorillas really do barf up their meals and eat them again, apparently four times an hour on average—even though their diet consists entirely of totally delicious-looking, definitely healthy and not-at-all gross red vitamin biscuits!

Denver's mayor takes the stairs! Full Figured Fashionistas have nice hair! Fat TV shows, there and there! Calorie knowledge is rare! Exercise is mental flair! It's your Wednesday Fitness Watch, where we watch your fitness—from our airy lair!

Pretty soon, you will have to wear a bathing suit, outside of your house. Will you look like a babe/hunk? Not if you are eating the nine chain restaurant meals or 20 drinks that are the "worst in America."

Ladies: are you psychotically obsessed enough with your physical appearance? Fear not! Scientists have now determined exactly where you're failing in your quest to not be a fat, disgusting cow. They'll make you insane yet!

The Way We Live Now: Making the hard choices. Maserati or Benzo? Expensive Yankees tickets or very expensive Yankees tickets? Hamburger or the whole cow? Macaroni or less macaroni for the same price?