Every year, Americans are treated to a long procession of assemblies in which Hollywood's most creative minds boldly suggest there is intrinsic entertainment value in watching people give prizes to themselves. On Sunday, we passed the first of these. And yet, for the 71st straight year, the most deserving martyrs of all—the actors pretending to be humans on our favorite reality shows—went uncanonized.
St. Camille Donatacci of Jersey has heard your prayers, children, and will return to the Real Housewives a martyr, forced to tarnish her golden shoulders by rubbing them against those sullied by Maloofian greed.
Camille Grammer, the villain-turned-goddess of The Real Housewives of Beverly Hills, will not be returning to the Bravo series next season. There is some speculation that Bravo decided to get rid of her, but given what she told US Weekly, it sounds like they just didn't want to pay what she was asking.
If the Republican debates are the second greatest televised spectacle about matters that are only slightly abutting reality, then the Real Housewives of Beverly Hills reunion specials are the first. Here is a ranking of how each woman fared in last night's fiasco.
Last night when fortifying myself for the Real Housewives of Beverly Hills reunion, I realized it had a lot in common with that other great reality show of this year: the Republican Debates. Yes, there will be a million of them, everyone in attendance is ridiculous, nothing will get decided, and there will be a lot of yelling across the room.
According to some dodgy sources, Camille Grammer, the only person to ever improve her image by doing a second season of a reality show, doesn't want to return to the Real Housewives of Beverly Hills for season three. What a shame.
There are those moments where your life changes in an instant and you don't see it coming: a mugging, an accident, the phone call that a family member has died. You were just having a wonderful day and then—slam—something snaps and all the gears come tumbling out of the watch in a comical and tragic disarray. That's sort of what happened to Taylor and Russell last night. The carousel finally stopped.
Last night Adrienne Maloof got her Bravo sponsored commercial for her Vegas property, The Palms, and Lisa Van der Pump got sweated on by a male stripper. If only what happened in Vegas stayed there, but it leaked all over our television screens.
Last night was a good old-fashioned Western in the rolling hills of Beverly. There were cowboys and showdowns and horses and homes on the range and even some wenches in fancy corsets. But when high noon came none of the little dogies could get along.
Last night we finally saw something. A glimmer, a spark of life, a bit of fire in the eyes of Miss Camille Grammer. Where did she come from, this fierce and dynamic creature, and where will she go next? We are captivated.
After much berating, the Kardashian klan kracks and starts telling lies. Lindsay Lohan returns to court. Hugh Grant has a baby after a "fleeting affair" with a mystery woman. Denise Richards and Richie Sambora reunite. Wednesday gossip plays with semantics.
Demi Moore wears her ring but walks alone. Soulja Boy ended up in jail last night. Nikki Reed's wedding dress has 100 diamond buttons. Emma Watson returns to college. Tuesday gossip speaks softly and carries precious gems.
Tina Fey has another daughter. Kate Moss' wedding pictures are here. Mel Gibson wants to see more of his kid. Vote for Saturday gossip in the Ames Straw Poll!
Kelsey Grammer pleads "hacker" after an evocative mass email about his ex-wife. Christina Aguilera's diva antics drive Adam Levine insane. Kim Kardashian lives vicariously through a tween. TGIFriday gossip.
Megan Fox's "woman empowerment" rendered her incompatible with Michael Bay. Gwyneth Paltrow seeks genius tutor for children. Scarlett Johansson breaks up with Sean Penn. TGIFriday gossip.
As the gossip hurricane rages on, Maria Shriver stands brave and resolute with her friend Oprah. Meanwhile, the Grammers are having a custody dispute, a Tiger Woods mistress is telling stories, and Kirk Cameron is not Stephen Hawking.
Britney Spears is deprived of that which she loves. Ryan Phillippe contemplates quitting acting. Lindsay Lohan fears she is the victim of a "witch hunt." Monday gossip is trapped in a prison of carrots and health.
Down Periscope actor Kelsey Grammer and his newly ex-wife, Real Housewives of Beverly Hills star Camille, bought their Avon, CO ski home in 2002 for $5.35 million, and are now selling it, in the ash-strewn aftermath of their very public divorce, for $7.9 million. "Let's make a profit off this bitch!" — Everyone involved in this marriage from the get-go.
