In November of 2006, Nicklaus Lovelady wrote a shocking column about Barack Obama for the Henry Daily Harold in Henry County, Georgia. The column was a first-hand account of the despicable behavior of Senator Barack Obama during an appearance at the Southern Illinois University Edwardville. Lovelady, covering the event for a local paper, apparently had his eye on "a pretty young thing" interning with a rival paper. But when he tried to ask Senator Obama a question, Obama humiliated him in front of everyone and ruined Lovelady's chances of going home with the pretty intern.

Great news for Obama: "Majority of Allegheny prostitutes are on the Democratic side." This is a fantastic piece of investigative journalism by the Pittsburgh Tribune-Review. See, they found 675 people convicted of prostitution-related crimes and then looked up their voter registration information. Look what else they discovered:

Senator John McCain will appear on the popular "sketch comedy" television program Saturday Night Live this weekend. McCain hosted the show in 2002, so he's no stranger to their fun-loving antics. The only difference is that this time out, McCain is, we're told, running for president, and the election is on Tuesday. So, sure, hanging out in New York City sounds good, why not. Barack Obama was rumored to be considering an appearance too, but it seems like he might spend the weekend before the election campaigning in swing states? He has spent enough time on network TV, thank you. (Though someone could still make a stilted, unfunny, stunt cameo during SNL's Monday night prime time election special! Keep hope alive!) [AP]

The LA Times would like you to meet the undecided voters. There are a lot of mean rumors about these undecided voters, like about they're stupid and ill-informed and dear god what world do you live in where you can't figure out if you want a hawkish old Republican or a moderate young Democrat in charge. But let's hear from an undecided voter in her own words: "I have cats, but I love dogs, and I've been thinking about it like five years already if I should adopt a dog." Ha, she lives in Florida, too!

Pamela "Atlas" Geller Oshry is a conservative blogger previously notable only for having vlogged in a bikini, once, and for being totally obsessed with mustachioed former UN ambassador John Bolton. Today, she announced that Barack Hussein Obama is not, as previously reported, the son of Barack Hussein Obama, Sr., but rather the illegitimate son of Malcolm Little, a.k.a. El-Hajj Malik El-Shabazz, a.k.a. Malcolm X. Yes, she is serious. Honestly? It is too much work to comb through her insanely long and convoluted post in order to write some sort of summary, so we'll just post some random excerpt from her fascinating investigation:

Ashley Todd is the moronic young college Republican who thought it would be a fantastic idea to, while volunteering for the McCain campaign in Pittsburgh, stage her mugging and facial mutilation by a large black Obama supporter. She drew a B on her face, backwards, because she did it in the mirror, and the rest is history. She is an American Hero. Paraded before the press in handcuffs, a faint B still visible on her face, we all knew no jail could hold Ol' B-Face. And we were right! Todd has been released from jail and will be "required to undergo mental health treatment." Then her record will be expunged, so she can still act as campaign manager for Bristol Palin's historic 2036 presidential campaign.

Shock! Barack Obama's Aunt Zeituni, described lovingly in his memoir Dreams From My Father, lives in Boston "in modest circumstances," according to the Times of London. Zeituni Onyango lives in public housing in South Boston, and tells the Times she is praying for Obama. She's even donated money to his campaign! It's not clear whether the Obama campaign or the candidate know she's in Boston, though her unwillingness to speak to reporters until after the 4th suggests that someone knows, right? Onyango is Obama's father's half-sister. The Times also tracked Obama's mysterious "Uncle Omar" to Boston, where used to run a convenience store. Then he was evicted and now they don't seem to know where he is. Obama's many, many relatives on his father's side are of great interest to the British press, for some reason. Back in August, the Telegraph reported that Italian Vanity Fair found Obama's half-brother living in obscurity in Kenya. Why does the British press care so much? What does it matter? It is kind of sad, yes, that many of Barack Obama's distant relatives live in poverty. This is perhaps why he is such a wealth-redistributing socialist? Once Obama is elected, of course, he will seize Joe the Plumber's mansion and use it to house his many, many illegal immigrant relatives.

The presidential campaign has been going on for, what, 10 years now? The sad campaign reporters are all about to collapse. Take CNN's Candy Crowley, who writes the following on a Post-It to look at as soon as her three alarms go off and she wakes up, weary and confused: "What city is she in? What time zone? What time does she have to be out of the hotel room the next morning? What day is it?" Crowley pleads with a New Republic writer (do follow that link, it's an awesome story) that she just wants. To go. To a simple. Grocery store. Please! And the New Yorker's Ryan Lizza described a harrowing scene on board Barack Obama's stinky airplane:

This is the hot new trend of late October: openly racist white people for Obama! It began with random tales of canvassers talking to voters who plainly said they were "voting for nigger." Now, this kind of amazing photo of a home in Indiana with an Obama sign and a Confederate Flag has been making the rounds in the Tumblrverse. There are more illustrative anecdotes below! Politico's Ben Smith wrote a story rounding up the stories of voters who "wouldn't want a mixed race marriage" for their children but are still voting for Obama. It featured this awesome Paul Begala quote:

Tonight, Barack Obama will appear on your television screen for 30 minutes in order to convince you to vote for him next week. He'll be on CBS, NBC, Univision, Fox, MSNBC, and BET. (But not ABC! Tune in for Pushing Daisies!) Obama's half-hour TV buy tonight has some historical precedent, of course; Ross Perot did it, and look where it got him! But for a good look at how far the Democrats have come, let's all go back to 1983, when the Democratic National Committee hosted, yes, a telethon. It, uh, it didn't go so well. In fact it went unbelievably, comically awry. As the 1980s began, the Republicans introduced and perfected their massive, modern fundraising apparatus, utilizing direct mail and donor targeting to build a database of party supporters willing to shell out cash whenever and wherever it was needed. In 1980, the GOP raised millions more from hundreds of thousands more than the Dems could manage. And they kicked the Democrats' asses. So, heading into the 1984 elections, the Democrats knew they needed a lot of cash to compete. The GOP had more than a million active donors, the Dems had almost 300,000. So the Democratic National Committee somehow decided that a star-studded telethon on NBC would solve the problem. They spent $5 million on the program, hoping to raise an initial $10 million over 18 hours on Memorial Day weekend. And it was a star-studded affair! As the AP reported:

Barack Obama's finally taken a shot at Republican Vice Presidential charade Sarah Palin, America's Favorite Halloween Joke-slash-Future of the Republican Party. The official campaign ad repeats the fun old McCain quote about how he doesn't understand that "economy" thing and his VP pick will probably have to help him with math. Then, cut to Palin winking. Remember how she can't even wink correctly? It was stupid when George W. Bush winked in debates, but at least the man can actually wink. Palin flinches. When it comes to the economy, can America handle flinching? Until we read otherwise, we're going to assume this is one of those ads that are just sent to political journalists and not necessarily played on real tv? There isn't even any talking in it. Click through to watch, and also read a preview of a zinger to be delivered in North Carolina today! Click to view From Obama's prepared remarks for a rally in Raleigh, today:

The Times got to watch a very special one-minute trailer for Barack Obama's half-hour informercial, set to air tonight on NBC, CBS, Fox and various other networks. And it sounds like a total dork-fest. No flying saucers, fashion makeovers, musical guests, or variety show gimmicks, as the media elite has helpfully suggested. No, it looks like we're getting tons of "strings, flags, presidential imagery and... Americana," plus a whole lot of white people:

Barack Obama is a stimulating speaker. The Daily Show is of course an entertaining and provocative show. Barack Obama on the Daily Show less than a week before the election? Stomach-knotting, sweat-inducing and nerve-wracking. It will be hard for supporters to laugh during Obama's confirmed appearance on the news-comedy show Wednesday if they spend the whole time cringing at the thought of the Democratic presidential nominee making some sort of gaffe that would blow his commanding lead over rival John McCain. Opponents, meanwhile, will be far more ready to laugh at Obama than with him. (Video from Obama's Aug. 2007 appearance is after the jump)

So what did Barack Obama say when questioned about the weird and terrible plot on his life by those idiot neo-Nazis the ATF busted? He was not angry or outraged or even really sad or shocked. He just said, "I think what has been striking in this campaign is the the degree to which these kind of hate groups have been marginalized." He's, uh, totally right! There was a tendency in New York, among liberals used to assuming that the elections are all stolen anyway, to assume the Obama campaign was doomed before it began because of his blackness, plain and simple. There was, similarly, a dark speculation, sometimes in the form of macabre joking, sometimes serious paranoia, that Obama would not survive the campaign if he got too close to the prize. What that didn't take into consideration was that as he looked more and more electable, more people liked him. Honestly, some thought Iowans were more likely to shoot him than vote for him. Then he proved them wrong, and the paranoia lifted, slightly. And the fact is, with the economy in the toilet, those bitter and ignorant poor whites are finding their distaste for Republicans is beginning to supersede any distaste for Blacks they might also feel. Crazy white power types found their numbers swelled a bit by the immigration "debate"—remember the Minute Men? they were certainly on TV a lot!—but now, the crazies are almost resigned to an Obama presidency. It's actually kinda shocking how few death threats we've heard about, especially considering the attention this patently ridiculous one received in the media. (Though we'd figure the ATF would be more likely to crow about breaking up an assassination attempt than the Secret Service, who tend to prefer to keep things quiet and not encourage the crazies.) But don't get too complacent! A Missouri Nazi tells The Guardian that a couple more Nazis will still promise to kill Obama, and Andrew Krucoff finds proof that Mississippi is still, you know, Mississippi. But Obama's right—they're marginalized. The debate's shifted immeasurably, even from a couple years ago. As a fine measure of how far we've come, the GOP has to use code words for "Muslim terrorist" this year instead of just reminding us of his conventional, acceptable Blackness. God bless us all!

Months ago, Michelle Obama was considered a scary liability. She was an aggrieved angry Black Woman, and America, oddly, is terrified of black women. The original code was "sarcastic." It meant castrating. Threatening! (Well, actually it just meant "sarcastic," but the people who parse these sorts of things read into it all their own weird baggage.) And here she is, a couple months later, our probable next First Lady, on Jay Leno, talking about her all-J. Crew outfit in a subtle (but not sarcastic!) dig at Ms. Genuine Real American herself, Sarah Palin. How did she manage the image reversal? Just kinda by being a slightly nicer version of herself! We all remember in February, when Michelle Obama accidentally revealed that she wasn't very proud of America. This led Mickey Kaus to lead the Charge of the Idiotic Racially Charged Language Brigade, declaring that Michelle's "default position is set to 'Aggrieved'" and further claiming, once again, that she belittled and castrated her weak husband by occasionally joking about him snoring. (Seriously, these people are insane.) But the "proud" remark cemented an early reputation for being a liability to the campaign, and led to Michelle facing some of the weirdest and most damning whisper campaigns of the election. She is on tape ranting about "whitey." She called up an imaginary African news agency to deliver an utterly insane rant about her many racist enemies. And, you know, she eats Iranian caviar. But gradually, the media discovered that voters liked Michelle Obama. Well-meant concerns about how threatening and scary she was were unfounded—she was comfortable on The View, on Ellen, even on The Daily Show. And while she's being careful with her words on these shows, barely talking politics at all, and acting, for lack of a better word, safe, there's not really any evidence that she's ever been a dangerous aggressive fire-breathing radical. (Angela Davis and Sistah Souljah are apparently the only Black Women most pundits know.) And so, like the "Obama is a Socialist Radical 1960s Terrorist" smear fails because it just doesn't square with the reality of his demeanor, words, and actions, the "Michelle Obama is an Angry Black Woman" story doesn't really line up with her good-natured demeanor, obvious loving relationship with her husband, and devotion to her amazingly adorable kids. Now, Michelle Obama is safe enough to pal around with Leno, the blandest man on TV, and safe enough to address swing states. Progress! New to Campaigning, but No Longer a Novice [NYT] Related Reading: Who Are Black People, And Why Are They So Angry? Terror At Michelle Obama Doing "God Knows What" In the White House

Ye gods, somehow it will only get worse from here. In Des Moines, as Sarah Palin spun a wonderful science fiction tale about the terrible post-apocalyptic Red Dawn communist future Barack Obama has in store for us, a rally-goer seemed to shout a racial slur. (It sure sounds like "he's a nigger," to us, at about 30 seconds in.) Meanwhile, the ATF says it's uncovered a plot by two neo-Nazis to rob gun stores and shoot 100 black people. Also part of their plan? An almost comical "assassination" of Barack Obama:

[Update: Now with a minor correction, and also an awesome Ted Stevens statement!] Ted Stevens is guilty of violating ethics laws, and not understanding how the internet works. Hah, just kidding, it's just the fraud stuff. His insane jury, made up of Alaskans DC residents [deny them congressional representation and see what happens, Senators] who kept having violent outbursts, found Stevens guilty of seven charges of corruption. He doesn't have to step down from the Senate, of course, and he's still running for reelection next week. He has said he will not step down. Which is awesome. What with the presidential election going on, we've barely had time for prominent congressional Republicans to face embarrassingly public trials and indictments, like in 2006! In 2006, America watched in glee as Republican congressmen Randy "Duke" Cunningham, Bob Ney, and Tom DeLay all faced indictments on the eve of the midterm elections. Resignations and bitter GOP infighting soon followed! Ney refused to resign until days before the election! Oh, then Florida congressman Mark Foley, uh, had some sort of scandal involving sexy, sexy underaged male pages. Also there was this Jack Abramoff guy! It was an exciting time, sort of. Now we are so busy with Barack Obama being a socialist and John McCain being old that Ted Stevens getting kicked out of the Senate, finally, after 200 years, seems like some happy afterthought. So. Corrupt Alaska Republican fucks his own party and loses an election. Who knew Alaska would matter, this year?

There is a spectre haunting the Conservative commentariat—the spectre of socialism! Barack Obama just might be the President, and should that happen, he will immediately redistribute all the wealth and hand over control of the means of production to the workers. Also the government will round up whitey and send him to reeducation camps run by the creepy YouTube singing children! We know all of this is true because Obama told a pretend plumber that he would "spread" the man's pretend "wealth around." Also he proposes some sort of "progressive income tax" policy and he said the words "redistribution of wealth" once on public radio. "Public" is code for Communist! This is seriously the dumbest attack yet in a season of incredibly dumb attacks. Over the summer, the McCain campaign presented Barack Obama as "a celebrity," a neat, slightly po-mo attack on Obama's popularity. It was, at least, an argument with some resonance in our tabloid-y popular culture. It didn't destroy Obama's brand, but it hurt it. But the desperate and confused McCain campaign never again came up with a coherent attack line on Obama that pleased anyone but the truest of believers. And that is how we got to "palling around with terrorists," a neat line that manages to incorporate 9/11 dread of four years ago and, more importantly, the culture wars of the 1960s, which make guest appearances in every American election. But this year, of course, no one gives a shit about the 1960s, at all. For the first time since the '60s ended, in 1972! So the McCain camp has switched to an attack last used effectively in the 1920s. As Hendrik Hertzberg explains:

This is wonderful. Commentary, which is basically the most Ridiculous Serious Journal Ever, has decided to tentatively endorse a Palin/Bachmann 2012 ticket! That would be Sarah Palin and Michele Bachmann, the Minnesota Congresswoman recently in the news for asking that Barack Obama and her fellow Congresspeople all be investigated to determine which ones are anti-American. She floated this idea on television, of course. She was previously famous for kissing President Bush creepily, baby-farming, and hiding in a bush while she spied on a gay marriage protest. Now Bachmann is apologizing and the GOP has basically cut her off and left her on her own. Related: Michael Weiss explains that you are not allowed to compliment W. H. Auden or use the phrase "fossil record" in the pages of Commentary. [Commentary via Andrew Sullivan]

National Review's The Corner is the best blog in America if you enjoy abject despair, self-delusion, denial, desperation, and embittered finger-pointing. As yet more conservatives defect from the McCain camp, Cornerites press on, demanding that the media investigate Obama's birth certificate and calling Democrat-endorsing Conservatives traitors to the cause. Today, National Review Online ran Kathleen Parker's amusing column on how McCain selected Palin because he wants to bone her. National Review Online editor (editor! she's in charge of the site!) Kathryn Jean Lopez posted to The Corner a bitchy, bitchy preemptive response to the column without mentioning it by name or linking to it. It's a wonder. Enjoy! [The Corner]