Late Wednesday night, a collective shudder made its way across the nation as Heidi Cruz was forced to recount the very moment she realized that, in marrying Ted Cruz, she had entered a soup-filled living hell. Or as Campbell’s Soup put it in an email to Gawker, “a great idea.”

Food product conglomerate Campbell's is having a shaky year selling food products, which the company blames on a "seismic shift" in how people eat. Campbell's solution: to grab onto every last trendy food trend and ride those babies till the wheels fall off.

Let's get a few things straight right off the bat. Number ONE, the "Millennial" generation is the best generation, because they are currently the most fuckable-looking, and therefore their every whim and desire must be obsequiously catered to by the corporate forces seeking to exploit their "cool" factor for profit; Number TWO, all food must be recast in the image of whatever a corporation imagines the Millennial Image to be; and Number THREE, soup is great, mmmm, soup. We must have some Campbell's Millennial Soup.