A crucial part of the mourning process for a network forced to euthanize a hopelessly enfeebled, Nielsen-sick primetime child is the speedy removal of its web presence, a compassionate measure that stops heartbroken programming executives from obsessively surfing over to the show's page in hopes a message promising "ALL NEW EPISODE THIS SUNDAY AT 10 PM! " will magically appear.
· Why does it take the threat of a strike for people to start cranking out the truly genius ideas? Fox has ordered a script that could generate a Prison Break spin-off set in a women's penitentiary, a project that would be perfect for Michelle Rodriguez once she concludes some previous obligations. [THR]
· ABC's Cavemen inches ever closer to joining Viva Laughlin in the Fall season's "bold TV experiments canceled too soon to see how terrible they could eventually become" club, drawing its lowest key demo ratings to date. Somewhere, Hugh Jackman's wife sheds a tear in sympathy. [Variety]
And almost as quickly as it began, it's over: Anchorwoman, Fox's bold reality TV experiment in which they sought to find out what happens when a busty L.A. bimbo with zero broadcast journalism experience is placed behind a local news anchor desk (instead of some other busty bimbo plucked from the state beauty pageant circuit), has been pulled from the network's schedule after posting "dismal" ratings its premiere night. In its place will be Til Death reruns. As sad as the news is, no one can say the writing wasn't always right there on the wall—or, more specifically, the Fox Fall Preview '07 website: "How will it all turn out? Only the ratings will tell, so stay tuned for the next ANCHORWOMAN: Lauren Jones." (On a personal note, we watched, and actually enjoyed it—particularly potential breakout star Stormy the Weather Dog, who is infinitely funnier than Brad Garrett, and at the very least should get a talent holding deal out of this.)
· The TV Academy continues cracking down on "the rampant proliferation of the producer credit" by capping comedy series Emmy nominations at 11 and drama nods at 10 for a second straight year. How bad had things gotten? "Business affairs execs and studios were giving people producing credits just because they could," says one nameless Academy official. This outrage ends now. [Variety]
· The Toronto Film Festival officially surrenders to Hollywood. [THR]
· We hate to do this after just one episode, but when the trades are throwing around words like "dismal" to describe a new show's ratings, the CancellationWatch must begin: Fox's Anchorwoman draws only 2.7 million viewers and a 1.0 rating in the 18-49 demographic, less than half of the numbers pulled by competition on NBC and CBS. [Variety]
· Buy your tickets now: Rosie O'Donnell will be opening the New York Comedy Festival. You won't want to miss what she's got planned for that giant photo Elizabeth Hasselbeck this time! [THR]
· In a much-clamored-for reunion of Shrek the Third castmates, Justin Timberlake is joining the cast of Mike-Myers-doing-a-funny-accent-comedy Love Guru. [Variety]
· The moviegoing public's hunger for threequels has proven so lucrative that studio executives have taken to using three hundred-dollar bills at a time to wipe themselves in celebration of their incredible run of summer success. [Variety]
· Will Hollywood's mad rush to get projects into the production pipeline before a possible strike result in movies which are shittier than normal? Answer: Yup, almost certainly. [THR]
· Warner Bros. is planning a live-action, big-screen version of the Hanna-Barbera cartoon Johnny Quest. Not that anyone asked us, but there's no way this gets made without Timberlake attached to star, right? [Variety]
· Just 2 million dedicated moviemaking fans tune in to Fox's absurdly low-rated—but still alive and kicking!—On The Lot on Tuesday night, as the show quickly approaches its goal of having a single viewer for each dollar in the competition's $1 million top prize. [THR]
· Imagine visionary Brian Grazer will superproduce the tentatively titled series The FBI for Fox, a project that should finally satisfy Grazer's burning desire to do "a thing about the CIA or the ATF or NSA or whichever one of those places with the cool initials will let me sleep on the floor of their offices for a few months so I can soak up the atmosphere. And maybe shoot a gun." [Variety]
· Ricky Gervais will star in Early Retirement, a pitch Warner Bros. bought about a a workoholic who—get ready for it—quits his job to spend more time with his family, a decision we're sure has uproariously hilarious, unforeseen consequences. [Variety]
· Hollywood StrikeWatch: The AMPTP reaches a deal with the Teamsters and several craft unions, freeing them up to dedicate all of their attention to convincing the Writers Guild that the internet is just a silly fad that will never generate reliable revenues. [THR]
· Paramount becomes the fifth member of this year's "billion dollar club," and is already busy designing the trades ad touting itself as the Highest Grossing Non-Sony/Warner Bros./Disney/Fox Studio of 2007. [Variety]
· Amazingly, Fox's On the Lot has still not been canceled, though its viewership is now limited almost exclusively to the friends and family members of the remaining contestants. It's a real shame, because Penny Marshall's largely incomprehensible stint as guest judge last night was really something to see. [THR]
· Where Are They Now? Former Children's-Birthday-Wrecking, Alcoholic Party of Five Clowns Edition: Scott "Bailey" Wolf signs a talent holding deal with ABC. [Variety]
· While it seemed that Steven Spielberg had ended the race for the Democratic presidential nomination in throwing his support behind Hillary Clinton, an undeterred Barack Obama has gone above the Hollywood kingmaker's head by getting Oprah Winfrey, the beneficent daytime TV deity Herself, to host a fundraiser for him at her Montecito compound. An expected $14 billion will be raised for the Obama campaign in a single night when Winfrey commands the heavens to open up and shower bundles of hundred-dollar bills upon her chosen candidate. [Variety]
· In the short term, the stockpiling of projects in anticipation of a multi-union strike may increase the number of entertainment industry jobs, but overall, the threat of a walkout could cause an employment slowdown whether or not the guilds and producers usher in the End of Hollywood Days with a prolonged work stoppage. [THR]
· CBS sets its fall schedule, but will hold risky musical drama Viva Laughlin until October 21 in order to buy more time to figure out how the hell to market the show to inevitably confused audiences. [Variety]
· Despite having his TV show let go to make more room on the schedule for caveman-related programming, George Lopez doesn't seem to be having too much trouble finding movie work. [THR]
· Beleaguered Fox/Spielberg collaboration On The Lot now only being watched by accident. [Variety]
· ABC's Steve McPherson on Monday's announcement that pal Kevin Reilly is headed to Fox: "I hear when they fire me, he's going to come run this place," McPherson said. He then continued, his face rapidly draining of blood, "Haha, I'm just kidding guys, my job is completely safe. Guys? Guys? We're fixing Cavemen, I told you that yesterday!" [Variety]
· Every basic cable Christmas special should find a place for former 90210 star Shannen Doherty, whose very presence announces the arrival of a magical Yuletide spirit. [THR]
· Finally: Desperately Seeking Susan: The Musical! Featuring, bizarrely, music from Deborah Harry and Blondie's back catalog. Will the story still play with "Heart of Glass" instead of "Into the Groove"? Developing... [Variety]
· Fox's beleaguered On The Lot, airing a night earlier than usual because of tonight's All Star game, comes in fourth place in its timeslot against only rerun competition. Even we didn't watch it last night, and it's our job to monitor its death-throes. [THR]
· Speaking of Fox, the renegade network plans to use its Emmy awards telecast to launch its fall season, a week before Nielsen's officially decreed start date for the ratings race they will largely concede until the next season of Idol premieres. [Variety]
· Universal buys the rights to Vanity Fair article about Barbaro, Gone Like the Wind, for triple-threat-hack Peter Berg to direct. Somewhere, our buddy Will at Deadspin faints dead away with delight. [Variety]
· On the Lot CancellationWatch: Fox's unkillable Nielsen invalid draws just 2.3 million viewers, despite a return to an earlier format in which its contestants were challenged to direct comedy shorts featuring bank-commercial-quality humor levels and production values while racing against a ticking clock. (Adrianna Costa CleavageWatch: Covered up, again.) [Ed.note—Don't worry, despite the creepiness of that image from TheLot.com contestant Jess Brillhart is not dead, she was just dismissed from the competition at the top of the show, in blatant disregard for reality TV convention. ] [THR]
· Stalag 17: It's Spike Lee meets Broadway meets WWII prison camps! [Variety]
· The NBA will remain on ESPN, ABC and TNT through 2016. Pop quiz: Who won the recent, scarcely watched NBA Finals? [THR]
· Tom Cruise and longtime enforcer Paula Wagner will drop by the Cinema Expo in Holland to promote Lions for Lambs, as well as Valkyrie, the movie whose shoot the German government isn't too excited to be hosting. [Variety]
· Another sign the Hollywood apocalypse is nigh: FX pays about $16 million for the cable TV rights to Wild Hogs. [Variety]
· Obsessed with honoring the possible end of The Apprentice by building the Greatest Trump-Branded Reality TV Empire In The World, Donald Trump follows up the recent announcement of Fox project Trump's Tramps with one for his new Pageant Place at MTV, which will document the descent of various Trump-owned beauty contest winners into Trump-upsetting drug abuse and bisexuality. [Variety]
· Fox is reporting its best-ever upfront ad sales numbers. Thank you, American Idol, for making everyone forget about a pretty disastrous Fall season! [THR]
· This week on the not yet canceled On The Lot: 2.4 million confused viewers tune in to see Carrie Fisher get sassy with a cute contestant, watch a horror film about a crazed, unlicensed tree surgeon let loose in an orchard full of blooming victims, and wonder why producers reversed last week's decision to show more of host Adrianna Costa's cleavage. [Variety]
· Wayne Brady will host the Fox summer karaoke game show Don't Forget the Lyrics!, in which contestants are challenged to—wild guesses, anyone?—not forget the lyrics when their teleprompters go dark. [THR]
· Crass commercialism threatens to destroy the creatively pure world of fake YouTube video diary series LonelyGirl15. [Variety]
· Despite Fox's attempts to boost the struggling On the Lot's fortunes by editing the show into a more compact, once-a-week, we-will-give-five-dollars-to-anyone- who-can-explain-what-the-fuck- is-going-on-at-any-given-moment format, the show draws just 3.1 million viewers in what we assume will be one of its last airings. We did, however, enjoy Michael Bay's guest judge appearance, during which he repeatedly shared his moviemaking philosophy of "get a good editor and cinematographer and they'll cover for your lack of talent," then seemed barely able to restrain himself from hitting on the director of his favorite film. [THR]
· Shadowy Hollywood Foreign Press puppetmaster Phillip Berk is replaced by five-time president Jorge Camara, who assumes the important tasks of coordinating his organization's locust-like decimation of the industry's free buffets and the handing out of meaningless awards to shitfaced actors. [Variety]
· The Agent Dance Mini Edition: UTA poaches agent Sarah Clossey from Paradigm, potentially absorbing a middling client list that includes Amanda Peet's Shouty NBS Boss and The One Jim Could Never Love As Much As Pam. [THR]
· Peter O'Toole joins the cast of Showtime's The Tudors for seven episodes as Pope Paul III, a performance that's preemptively been nominated for an Emmy. [Variety]
· Judd Apatow Comedy HegemonyWatch: The Apatow-produced, Seth Rogen-starring Pineapple Express is given a summer '08 release date following the success of Knocked Up. [Variety]
