In a month already rife with scandal, the Internet has somehow managed to unearth perhaps the greatest controversy in recorded history: Beloved cereal mascot Cap'n Crunch is not, in actuality, a Captain.

Whether you're a child, an adult desperately trying to cling to the bygone symbols of childhood, or simply have a poorly developed palate, the fact is, you love Cap'n Crunch™ brand breakfast cereal, despite all of the good reasons not too. Well, good news, corn syrup fetishists: contrary to published reports, your beloved cartoon-clad corn byproduct nuggets are not disappearing.