Starbucks jobs are now reserved for Yale grads; the rest of us have to try and obtain menial but absurd positions with Kanye West.

New York's cover story this week takes a look at Caroline Kennedy's disastrous foray into politics, and provides some excellent insight into what derailed her quasi-campaign for governor. What may be more striking, though, is the cover of the magazine, which features a black and white photo of Caroline with a red tear that appears to have been hastily drawn on top of the picture. Seem a bit familiar? Indeed it does!

The publisher of the New York Times is seeing a married-but-separated woman he met several months before announcing his own marital separation. This proves he never slept with Caroline Kennedy. What?

Journalism is complicated. New York Post statehouse hack-in-chief Fred Dicker has been leading the pack in Caroline Kennedy-related anonymous smear stories. And now he's basically outing his own anonymous source, to criticize the Governor. What?

It's time for another bitter shot fired in the impenetrable politico-media war over Caroline Kennedy's failed Senatorial bid! Today, more on Caroline's "secret reason" for dropping out. To the press, this is manly fun:

Oh boy, now that Caroline Kennedy will officially not be New York's senator, the real fun begins: time for Gov. David Paterson's people to trash her anonymously! He never liked that bitch anyhow, sources say:

Caroline Kennedy will not be a Senator, and her aborted attempt at being appointed one basically destroyed the reputation of the last Kennedy left who anyone liked.

"Gilli" what now? Kirsten Gillibrand does not have a household name like "Kennedy" or "Clinton," yet she somehow got her crafty hands on a New York senate seat, reportedly.

Thus far there are five major competing theories as to why Caroline Kennedy pulled out of the Senate race so suddenly and mysteriously. We list them, and give exact statistical odds, below:

Well now, the "Why did Caroline Kennedy Drop Out?" parlor game grows ever more interesting! The latest reasons being floated: nanny issues, tax issues, and all the dang gossip on this very website:

Could Caroline Kennedy have given us any clearer indication of her lack of qualifications for the Senate than her disastrous exit from the race? Here is the (new!) alleged timeline of her decisionmaking process:

Caroline Kennedy ran a disastrous quasi-campaign for Hillary Clinton's Senate seat before deciding to bow out last night. Initially she refused to answer reporters' questions; when she eventually changed her approach and opened up, she demonstrated such little skill for dealing with the press that even some of her supporters started to wonder if she was up to the job. Kennedy now says she abandoned her bid for the Senate because of "personal reasons," which one Kennedy insider suggested was due to Caroline's concerns about Ted Kennedy's declining health. The much more plausible theory, of course, is that she bowed out when she heard she wasn't going to get the nod from Gov. David Paterson: making the decision herself provided her with a much more graceful exit. It was one of the only wise moves Kennedy and her team have made in the last few weeks. All of the blunders that have embarrassed her since she kicked off her campaign? Here are two people you can already start blaming: Kevin Sheekey and Stefan Friedman.

Look: It's a glorious, bona fide press brawl! Caroline Kennedy's withdrawal from senate consideration touched off the rivalry between New York and D.C. news desks. New York won.

Caroline Kennedy made it official, confirming she would no longer seek a U.S. senate seat "for personal reasons." Those personal reasons likely have a lot to do with Teddy Kennedy.

Caroline Kennedy has been telling people she pulled out of senate contention due to uncle Ted's deteriorating health. But that was apparently after she learned she wouldn't get the gig anyway.

Uh. David Paterson was going to appoint Caroline Kennedy to the Senate tomorrow, or this weekend, but now he can't, because she dropped out of the "race."

The Post is reporting that Caroline Kennedy just informed Gov. David Paterson that she is withdrawing her name from consideration to replace Hillary Clinton in the Senate due to "personal reasons." The Post describes the news as "stunning," which may be because the paper said the selection of Kennedy was "certain" just two days ago. But assuming the news is true, you can direct your bottles of congratulatory champagne to Andrew Cuomo at the following address: Office of the Attorney General, The Capitol, Albany, NY 12224-0341. [NYP]

Remember how everyone was arguing about Caroline Kennedy getting a Senate seat for like a week? And then everyone forgot about it? That was David Paterson's cunning plan!

It appears that Sarah Palin's post-campaign career activities will consist exclusively of bitching about the media. In a new interview she takes on Katie Couric, Tina Fey, Caroline Kennedy, and all you jerks watching at home:

Caroline Kennedy is not only close friends with the publisher of the Times, Maureen Dowd "knows" her as well, so the senate hopeful got a love letter from the Times columnist, for sucking.