Question for insane advice columnist Cary Tennis: "Should I ask you for advice?" Response: "Some days I ask myself if I want to live and the answer is eight pelicans going north in a gray sky." In other words, "No."

Salon's Cary Tennis is a clinically insane advice columnist. Lately he's been hearing from recent graduates whining about the job market (Remember the Harvard grad who couldn't hold a fast-food gig?) Today it's an ice cream-slingling J-school grad.

Today's question for incomprehensible Salon advice-giver Cary Tennis comes from someone who writes "I am 25 AND I HAVE A HARVARD DEGREE!" So what is the problem?

Cary Tennis: "I like to try new things. It means that often I do not finish old things. I have another thing wrong with me, too. Sometimes I don't like to try new things." What?

Salon's Cary Tennis and Slate's Prudence both hand out advice. Today, they happened to answer the same letter from a guy conflicted about spending his inheritance from grandma. Let's compare and contrast their responses.

"Dear [crazy Salon advice-giver] Cary [Tennis], I am a college journalism professor." Guaranteed winner.

"What about the physical effects of hot-sauce-laced sperm in a woman's vagina?...if thousands or millions of totally uninformed young men go around putting hot sauce in condoms, who is to blame?" [Cary Tennis, naturally]

Some prolix young woman wants to know, "How do I stop being a know-it-all?" But this poor, foolish girl went looking for answers from Salon's cheese-and-nutball advice columnist Cary Tennis. A professional know-it-all!

Quiz: Some people you knew back in your hometown send you friend requests on Facebook. You don't really like them. Do you A) accept requests, B) deny requests, C) have an existential crisis?

Cary Tennis, professional adviser: "Right now I'm just thinking stuff and don't know why. What I'm thinking is, hell, yes, you should tell her. I don't know why and I don't really even care why, it's just what I think." [Salon]

"Also, the dolphin represents to you not just your link to our ancestors in the sea but your wishes for your own penis, a penis that wants to swim in public and be displayed, that wants to jump through fiery hoops to the applause of mothers and fathers and children alike." [Salon]

Salon's clinically insane advice columnist Cary Tennis today gets the chance to respond to the most stereotypical post-college question imaginable. A 24-year-old girl moved to LA to get into the film industry, found out it was shady, and got bummed out. Now she can't decide whether to move home to Florida and save up some money, or go backpacking across Thailand on a spiritual journey. We've all been there! Ann Landers gets 46 letters identical to this every week. So how does our friend Cary handle this easy setup? With his trademark brand of scary, dissociated ramblings indicative of an advanced case of schizophrenia or excessive mescaline use:

Cary Tennis: Your Source For Stone Cold Crazy Advice. The Salon advicemonger and generally confused and confusing man today receives a sincere question from a girl about her hard-partying friend, who gets drunk and cheats on her boyfriend, most recently by having "consensual, unprotected sex with one of the Marines" that she met on a night out. What should she do to help her friend? Cary Tennis makes sure she regrets that she ever asked that question. Because Cary Tennis can read her friend's mind:

Sometimes I miss print. At least then, there were space constraints. The internet knows no editing. Today on Salon, constantly wrong-headed advice columnst Cary Tennis fields a 1,300 word question from a melancholy Ivy League student whose primary problem is that she's kinda homesick and no one pays any attention to her in her huge faceless elite East Coast school. She misses misses the West Coast! She doesn't even want to go into publishing anymore! Also, roommate drama! Tennis's advice: exercise. Yes, YouTube is great, but this column wouldn't have happened in the pre-Web world. [Salon]

"So do this: Take out a sheet of paper and draw two intersecting circles. On one side draw a penis and on the other side draw a vagina. In the intersection put the penis and the vagina."
–Salon advice columnist Cary Tennis, today. [Salon]

When we last checked in on Salon's crazy columnist Cary Tennis, he was angrily telling all his online critics to leave him alone. And he hasn't heard anything from us since! Unfortunately, outside criticism was the only thing keeping Cary tethered to reality. Its absence has him backsliding, as evidenced by his response yesterday to a rich guy asking if he should leave the suburbs because he hates it, even though he has a new, expensive house. What about the commuting situation, and the volatile housing market,and his wife's career? So many factors to consider. Is he being rash? And Cary Tennis replied: Why not move to my imaginary Fantasy Land, instead?

Salon advice columnist Cary Tennis uses today's column to respond to his numerous vitriolic online critics. To sum up, people who criticize him are stupid and mean and when they die no one will care. "Perhaps they are accustomed to owning the world and naming the chairs. They see a person sitting in the advice giver's chair who is not doing it the way it has always been done, and they are infuriated, and they believe that they own that chair and they know who should be sitting there. It's as if they want to call the club membership to a vote." Also making fun of Cary reinforces the class system! Seriously, someone needs to explain what he's actually going on about here. We lost him a couple paragraphs before "Lack of self-knowledge is truly a luxury of the self-absorbed." Stop naming the chairs! [Salon]

Salon's advice guy Cary Tennis has never, to our knowledge, actually given good advice. It's almost as if people write to him so as to know what paths to avoid. But seriously, Jan. 9th letter is too something to something. Title: My molester financed my college education. Now I'm depressed and suicidal and very few people know. The letter was signed, "Three O'Clock in the Morning All the Time." Well! TOCITMALT, rest assured your biggest problem isn't molestation or suicide. It's that your writing to Cary Fuckin' Tennis for advice! Come on now! This is the man who once advised a woman who wanted a witty man thusly: "Keep in mind that basically you want a kid and you want some wit. You want some wit and you want a kid. Wit. Kid. Wit. Kid." Um, that doesn't mean anything at all. Also, neither does Cary's Advice to TOCITMALT.

One week apart, Slate's Dear Prudence and Salon's Cary Tennis answer the same dumb letter, about how to deal with a religious child who thinks you're going to hell. Neither of their answers are illuminating or entertaining in the slightest.

A troubled young man relates a recent unpleasant experience to Salon agony aunt Cary Tennis. The poor fellow was stranded on the tarmac after his flight was canceled when a trauma occurred.