Welcome to Idiots of Yesteryear, a new series wherein we’ll remember the klutzes, cretins, and bumbling dunderheads who populate the cobwebbed dunce’s corners of the American past. In this great nation, for every gallant General Washington, who could not tell a lie, there is a doofy George W. Bush, who could not finish chewing a pretzel before trying to swallow it. Here, we will celebrate the blowhards, the two-timers, and the wretched scamps; we will honor the feckless morons and malevolent jerks who made our great nation in their images. Forgotten morons of history, we salute you.

Pigs' testicles. Joni Ernst has held them in her hands. And chopped them off. Won't you please consider voting for her to be the United States senator from Iowa?

Alan Turing, the legendary British computer engineer and codebreaker who killed himself two years after a 1952 conviction for homosexual activity for which he was punished by chemical castration, received a royal pardon on Monday from Queen Elizabeth II.

According to KRQE, two hit men from New Mexico were arrested as part of an elaborate plot to murder and castrate Justin Bieber last month. The plot was reportedly hatched in a New Mexico prison, where convicted murderer and rapist Dana Martin recruited then-fellow inmate Mark Aaron Staake to carry out the gruesome crime (which was to involve strangulation with a paisley tie, apparently Martin's calling card) along with three other similar murders.

A German man was frustrated with the police's inability to stop his 17-year-old daughter from seeing her 57-year-old boyfriend. So he took matters into his own hands, and cut off the boyfriend's balls with a bread knife.