Finally, white people have the non-native American mascot they deserve.

A new University of Washington poll found that many Tea Partiers believe "lesbians and gays have too much political power," and that despite hating our new commie government, they want Medicare and Social Security to remain in place.

In the continuation of an annual ritual that has become the Writers Guild's version of Groundhog Day, WGA West president Patric Verrone has finally emerged from his Third Street burrow to publicly flip through the pages of the 2007 Hollywood Writers Report on diversity, and, discovering that minority writers have made "scant progress" since last year's holiday, quickly retreated back inside, indicating that we're in for 12 more months of disproportionate white male representation in the scribe sector. We won't bore you with the statistics, but know that if you're a Caucasian with a penis and a copy of Final Draft, things are still looking pretty good for you.

The Assimilated Negro is the issuing authority for your own personal Ghetto Pass, helping you safely navigate among the people and places of browner territories.