After going viral last week and getting picked up (and released) by the police this week, Ted Williams is now going to rehab. Who convinced him? Dr. Phil, of course. Williams is living the entire celebrity lifecycle in one month!

Last week, pictures of Stephanie Seymour frolicking in the ocean with her 18-year-old son set the blogosphere aflame. Now, Peter Brant II takes a break from high school to put all of us—and our celebrity industrial complex—to shame.

CBS just signed its second TV deal based on a Twitter account, and inked Ashton Kutcher to produce. Hollywood now officially has a monster crush on movies and TV serials about websites.

[A flash of light erupts as the stars approach the paparazzi on the red carpet at the premiere of The Housemaid at the Cannes Film Festival today. Image via Getty]

Jersey Shore turned out to be a major cash cow for MTV, club promoters, photo agencies, and any innocent bystander who a cast member happened to attack. But now that everyone wants a piece, will they bleed it dry?

Mariah Carey and Nick Cannon renewed their vows earlier this week, and now Tori Spelling and Dean McDermott are are planning on doing it. Someone please put an end to this!

Lewis Lapham is back in Harper's Magazine with a new screed telling the media to break free from the celebrity-industrial complex and go after hard news. "The recycling of gossip is easier than the assembling of facts." Ouch. [Harper's]

Jessica Simpson does not brush her teeth. Like, ever. The Celebrity Industrial Complex thinks this is big news you want to know. Really, do we have nothing else to talk about?

With her latest stab at relevancy—a new single and a VH1 show—Jessica Simpson is yet again being shoved down our collective gullet. It's time for this uninteresting, talentless person to take a hike. Forever!

Lindsay Lohan is "on hiatus" from her power-publicist Leslie Sloan-Zelnick, reports the website Crushable. So the actress will have to explain suing a taunting milkaholic baby and getting fired from an escort job on her own. She's a very creative communicator! Update: We've been told that Lohan has been on hiatus with her publicist since last summer and Sloane-Zelnick has been typically directing reporters to contact Lohan's lawyer instead.

The Academy Awards have become more about the clothes and less about the awards themselves. Too bad all the ensembles are bland creations some stylist picked out. It's time to free ourselves from the tyranny of the Worst Dressed List!

Alec Baldwin is hot right now. He is an outspoken Hollywood liberal beloved by the media and cultural elite. But in his private life, he's a bit of an asshole. What are we going to do about Alec?

Marc Jacobs, the prancing prince of fashion week, is spouting off about how his show is "not going to have celebrities," because they're "boring." Sorry, Marc, but that is bullshit. You are too reliant on stars to quit them now.

I am proud to announce that Gawker.com has hired a new columnist: really fucking good guitar player, digital cleanser and chronic masturbator John Mayer. I know it's true because I read it on the internet.

Perhaps the weirdest attack John McCain made against Barack Obama in 2008 was his brief summer campaign charging that Obama was a celebrity. Because Americans, you know, like celebrities. And this year's Republicans have finally learned that lesson.

Former Star reporter Kate Major, who fell in love with Jon Gosselin, who managed to become friends with Shit Parent of the Year Michael Lohan before leaving Major, who is now letting Michael Lohan move into her place. [NYDN]

Thousands of young, impressionable girls move to Los Angeles hoping to make it big every year. Why did Ke$ha break through? And what does it say about us as a culture that she did?

When Tila Tequila first popped onto the scene, she was the harmless, if ugly, face of fame's grim seduction. In the wake of "fiancée" Casey Johnson's death, she now represents everything wrong with our modern era.

When there are two beautiful teen stars both named Taylor—Swift and Lautner—the Celebrity Industrial Complex demanded they start dating. If only the Complex could successfully manage a teen girl's heart, because Swift called it the whole thing off.

That's the conclusion that Rob Shuter comes to in the Huffington Post when he says that the tabloid covers that carried his famous face didn't move at the newsstand. Well, let's see how Brittany Murphy fares this week.