Chantix doom! Colon cancer! Fetus drugs! Stem cells! Late talkers! The stroke belt! And women dropping dead at any moment! It's your Tuesday Health Watch, where we watch your health—counterproductively!

Having spent New Year's Day drinking champagne with fabulous celebrities and sexing chestnut-haired Bates lacrosse players sitting on a sofa in Chicago watching TV, I saw a lot of commercials. Specifically ones with scary disclaimers. Like the Taco Bell diet.

You should stop smoking, doctors say. Here, we have medications to help you stop, doctors say. But oh—these medications could make you kill yourself. What the hell is science good for?